Some press releases grab your attention for all the wrong reasons, although from the PR perspective if it has grabbed my attention it has obviously worked. One such scurried across my desktop the other day: Logitech rolls out its coolest mouse ever, the headline proclaimed.

Oh crikey, thought I, here we go again. Another day another mouse and another press release desperately trying to convince me that my mouse is not any good and this mouse will change the way I work. It is a new mouse revolution, I was promised enthusiastically. I can fly through long documents with hyper-fast scrolling I was assured, hundreds of pages with a flick of my finger indeed. A precision scroll wheel that will spin freely for up to seven seconds they announced, forgetting to explain why this should be of any interest to me at all. I later discovered this means it can apparently scroll through 10,000 pages in that time. But hey, it is fast, smart and fully loaded according to Logitech so it must be worth investigating further.

Therefore, I did.

Apparently, I am informed, the average person scrolls the mouse wheel a whopping 26 feet during an eight hour day, which I can quite believe as I have worn out numerous mice and the scroll wheel is usually the first thing I kill. As an aside, I also kill keyboards with alarming regularity, either completely removing any trace of key markings or more often any trace of key movement. Peripheral build quality ain’t what it used to be. Anyway, back on track, and the mighty mouse. The MX Revolution, to be precise, although a slightly smaller VX version is available for laptop use as well. It is a typical Logitech styled piece of high tech sculpture that, typically, left handers will find frustrating.

Not being a lefty, that does not worry me as much as the fact that it is a wireless, laser, electronically controlled scroll wheel ratcheted, seven-buttoned monster.

Look Logitech, and anyone else who might be reading this and has any input (excuse the pun) into the business of designing mice: I only want two buttons and a scroll wheel, that is it, I do not need any more. I do not need some battery dependant wireless device either, not considering that a cable-connected mouse has never let me down just when I needed it most. Moreover, I certainly do not need a mouse that requires me to RTFM before I can use the thing, OK! For crying out loud, the MX Revolution automatically switches between motor and manual mode, depending upon the application you are using, and will either go into hyper-scrolling free-spinning wheel mode on its own accord or if you push and click the wheel in the right fashion. I have enough difficulty remembering what the left and right buttons do half the time, and would fear for my sanity with such a device. Do I really need, for example, a one-touch search function whereby I can click on a highlighted word to launch Google?

Oh, and I guess I should mention that there is a second scroll wheel, should the hyper-fast super whoopy doo main one not be enough and you grow a few extra fingers at some point.

In addition, do I really need all this to the tune of, wait for it, a hundred bucks?

Well yes, according to Logitech’s vice president of product marketing for retail pointing devices, Ashish Arora who says “by giving people the option of using a free-spinning scroll wheel, Logitech has addressed a source of pain for computer users, who previously had to continuously move their index finger to scroll through long documents.”

Well no, according to the professional writer who prefers keyboard shortcuts where possible and makes use of either an optical trackball device on the desktop or a teeny two buttoned, one wheeled, USB connected retractable cabled optical travel mouse for laptop use (don’t even get me started about touch pads or nipples.)

Sorry Logitech, but as far as this mouse being revolutionary, I smell a rat...