Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

I'm not sure if I found this funny, or scary.. o_O
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=LWSjUe0FyxQ

Caveman1 (to caveman2): What will you be doing today?
Caveman2: Nothing
Caveman1: But you did that yesterday?
Caveman2: Yea, didn't quite finish

Who says elephants don't have a sense of humor?

Hope not ....
Q: "What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?"
A: "An elephant with diarrhea."

Accidents happen (explains why I didn't get a Xmas present):

Who is the Designer of the Human Body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Q: "How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
There is no answer, just another question:
"Will this be on the next test?"

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
~~~ William Somerset Maugham's dry sense of humour

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

“A man and a woman making love in a park,” the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

“A man and a woman making love in a boat.”

He holds up the third picture.

“A man and a woman making love at the beach.”

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, “It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.”

In outrage, the man replies, “Well, you’re the one with the dirty pictures.”

Here is an old one...

So they were going to hunt for the notorius Foo bird.

As a warning, their leader said, "Remember, if this enormous
bird does it's business and any of it gets on you, you leave it
alone - don't wipe it off, understood?".

So they went deep into the wood, and lo and behold, there
went the Foo bird.

As one rifleman took a shot, the Foo bird swept overhead
and splattered two of them straitaway.

One was so disgusted by the mess he immediately went
to a brook and began to clean it off.

He died immediately.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.