Joke... HILARIOUS!!

[Portgas D. Ace]

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor!?

"where's my tractor!"

HAHAHHAHAHAHA it get's me every time!

[Portgas D. Ace]

Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left it! Ha

[Portgas D. Ace]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?? NOIDEA!!

[almostbob]

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs
still no idea

[Portgas D. Ace]

What did the ghost say to the wall?
Hey just passing through.!

[Portgas D. Ace]

Whilst waiting to use the ATM an old lady asked me if I could check her balance... So I pushed her over.

[BitBlt]

A man and his friend were hunting in the woods. They weren't having any luck finding anything, so the friend suggested they split up. So the man bumbled through the thickest part of the forest and eventually came upon a sunny meadow. In the middle of the meadow was a large flat boulder. On the boulder was a beautiful woman, sunning herself. The man walked up to her, and she looked at him. She liked what she saw. He liked what he saw. So he said to her, "Are you game?" She said "Yesss...." So he shot her.

[predator78]

Why is the ghost from deathly hallow constantly trying to butt in line. He's just trying to get ahead.

[abelLazm]

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

[BitBlt]

I was gonna post a joke, but it was too tasteless. Maybe later.

[Portgas D. Ace]

To most christians, the bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll the the bottom and click "I agree."

[predator78]

HAHAHA ok that brings us the the mormon jokes hopefully no offence is taken as I am a non practicing mormon.

So God and a man are taking the tour of heaven. God takes the man to a hall way with doors on each side. They walk.... The man notices noises coming from one door. He turns to God and says "sounds like a party...". "Yes my son, that is the Christian's. Wild bunch." They continue on along the way God points to various other rooms with mild descriptions. Eventually God stops the man and replies "shhhh..." and begins tip toeing past a door. The man asks "God, what are y ou doing?" God replies "My son, this is a very special room." The man ponders "Well who is in there?" God states "This is where the mormons reside, we must be quite they think they are the only ones here.."

[hotmatrixx]

To most christians, the bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll the the bottom and click "I agree."

nice.
I like to think that I am a 'practising christian'. yes, I do read that book. about a 1/2 chapter a night. Then spend 2h researching the passage. it has an intrinsic depth to it that a straight 'readthrough' will never reveal. very interesting.

anyway..

"What's the difference between a duck?"

"One of its' legs are both the same."

[almostbob]

I like to think that I am a 'practising christian'.

How long do you have to practice before you get it right??

well it is a joke thread, send all compaints to the moderators by clicking the "flag Bad post" button at left

[vegaseat]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny!

[sergent]

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

[predator78]

HAHAHAHA oh my not sure if this thread just took a turn for better or worse but I think I'm gettin closer to a heart attack now. :)

[BitBlt]

Noah's ark had just gone aground, and as he threw open the gangplank, he spoke to the animals. "God has commanded...go forth and multiply!"

Of course, the animals wasted no time at all in getting out of there, having been cooped up for 40 days and 40 nights. As Noah was sweeping up, he noticed a couple of snakes huddled forlornly in a corner.

"What are you two still doing here?" demanded Noah. "God said to go forth and multiply!"

One of the snakes, practically in tears, said "We can't! We're adders!"

Ba dum bum.

[cjohnson1]

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

[abelLazm]

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT