After speeding his sports car the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going so fast by the curious speed cop.

"I'm not really sure," confessed the drunken driver, "but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already!"

Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you."

A blond walks into a bar all alone on Monday and orders 3 mugs; sits in a corner and drinks it. Next Monday she does the same, and so the next one.

Finally one Monday bartender asks what's it all abt? She explains that her 2 sisters have gone far away and as they were missing each other so much they've made a pact to drink every Monday at the same time wherever they are. Bartender finds it very touching and offers the drinks on the house.

This goes on for a few years, and one Monday the blond walks in and orders 2 mugs instead of 3. The bartender hears this, assumes the worst. Feeling very sad he offers his deepest condolences at her loss. The blond says "Oh no both my sisters are alright, I quit drinking".

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

The 1st Affair :

A married man was having an affair with his secretary... ....One day they went her place and made love all afternoon... ....Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM........The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.......He put on his shoes and drove home.....'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.... ...'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary... .....We had sex all afternoon.' ....... 'You lying *******! ........You' ve been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair :

A middle-aged couple had two beaut! iful daughters but always talked
about having a son.......They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted...... ..The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.......The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son........He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen........ He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby........ Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' ........ The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'


The 3th Affair :

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door........ 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' .......She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder...... .'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' ......! ...'What' s this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.......' Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it
so much I got one for us, too.' .......No more was said, not even when they went to bed........Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.......' Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.' .......


The 4th Affair :

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.......' Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' .........'One Cent?' the man thought..... ..He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' ......'A nickel,' the barman replied..... ..'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' ........The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.' ..! ....The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' .......The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 5th Affair :

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside..... ...He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.' .........'There' s no need to,' his wife replied..... ...
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' .......'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Although we follow scrum now, I can never forget the good ol' waterfall..

Funny lines from Cricket:
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"Whatever talent the team management has seen in Raina, the youngster has done well to conceal it on the international stage."
Krish Srikkanth questions Suresh Raina's presence in the team

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"Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still
zero." -Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar at Madras 1983
Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at
no 4 for that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and
Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at
0/2.And he thought there would be less pressure!

***********************************************************

Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game.
Viv missed a superb outswinger, and Thomas said
"It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces."
Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and
replies,"Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

***********************************************************

Australia fighting for a win nearing the end of a Test Match
Fred Trueman at the crease. The Aus captain has plenty of close-in
fielders, whose shadows fall on the wicket.
Fredie finds this objectionable. 'Ere, if you lads don't back off, I'll
appeal for bad light!"

***********************************************************

The best one
(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie" Bird)
"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for
Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one
couldn't bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton's famous
words describing an equally inept runner; "When he shouts 'YES'
for a run, it is merely the basis for further negotiations!"
Incidentally, Compton was no better.
John Warr said, of Compton "He was the only person who would call you
for a run and wish you luck at the same time." Anyway, when Wells played
for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10.
During a county match, horror of horrors.......both got injured.

*Both* opted for runners when it was their turn to bat.
Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run, forgot he had a
runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone
decided that a second run was on. Now we had *all four* running. Due to
the confusion and constant shouts of "YES" "NO", eventually, *all* of
them ran to the same end.
Note - at this point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor
laughing their behinds out. One of the fielders - brave lad - stops
laughing for a minute, picks the ball and throws down the wicket at the
other end. Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and
calmly informs them "One of you buggers is out. I don't know which.
*You* decide and inform the bloody scorers!".

thanks guys,this is a cool thread.

ROFL...I can't believe I'd be laughing this hard. You really got a nice thread going on here buddies. I'm already teary eyed LOL.

Yeh, ive read this thread start to finish