* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
wants to go.

* Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener from hardware section.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo from our pet section.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer, call our Legal services.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest,yet spontaneous. You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer, as somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options - you can save the life of G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question and please give an honest answer.



Would you:
A) Select high contrast colour film
B) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is
told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He
checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly
the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting
to get in? "

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a software engg, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails and then goes to the cafeteria....."