A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Oh no, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Q: "How do you make the average blonde laugh on Friday?"
A: "Tell her a joke on Monday!"

Whats the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?




..............................You cant unload a truck of bowling balls with a pitch fork.

A husband and wife went to the marriage counselor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they ever had in the 20 years of marriage.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their long marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the counselor got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately, as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The counselor turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off with you on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

There was this blonde driving down the road. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in the nearby field, rowing her boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes very bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind!"

Lady Helen went to her priest with her major problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, Lady Helen brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and were quietly praying in their cage.

She put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

The male parrots looked at each other and burst out "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

“I’ve sure gotten old,” said my grandpappy. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees.

I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, and have such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t even remember if I’m 56, or 69, or 87!

But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

this joke does not oringinate from me.its just to make every one have a laugh.

a couple have a memory problem and cannot remember well.the doctor advised them to write down everything they need to remember on a piece of paper.a night, the wife said to her husband,"go and help me cut a piece of straw berry cake.go on write it on a piece of paper.""i don't need it."says the husband as he headed off to the kitchen.
when the husband came back with a plate of grilled fish, the wife scolded her husband ,"i told you to write it down in a piece of paper didn't i? i wanted a packet of fries!".

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

Now you know!!

THIS IS A GOOD AND SIMPLE REASONING!!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running."