My father bought an exercise machine to help him lose weight. He set it up in the basement, but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how it was going.

He said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the darn machine.”

There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big party, and

it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers that had a
buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed sewing.

The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run
across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.

And so he did. A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all
right, but he was terribly beaten up.

"Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over there for

the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!"

"Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and that
it would just take her a second. So, I sat down and she began sewing on the
button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent over to
bite off the thread and her husband came in the door."

What did the computer say to another computer?
No thing they are not on a network.

Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?

Some good ones!
The one I like is:
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

According to a news report, a certain private school in Abbotsford, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

Funny, very funny indeed maydhyam!

boy comes in to ask grandma what it is called when one person sleeps on top of the other. feeling that it is her responsibility to be honest with the boy she reluctantly tells him it is called sexual intercourse. Boy leaves and comes back in twenty minutes. He says to his grandma, "Grandma you were wrong! It is called BUNK BEDS, and Jimmy's mom from down the block would like to have a word with you!

[mind the capital letters]
A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER
WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN. HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM
AND SAID "BOSS, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR
GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO
HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE
WITH HIS PAPERWORK, HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED
UP.

HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM, HE FINALLY
UNDERSTOOD. THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE
FROM HIS SECRETARY. WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE
GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "NO, SIR I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW
WAS A MINI COOPER WITH 2 FLAT TYRES!!!

Thanks......hope you all enjoy this as well...

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'