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HUMOR
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Join Date: Feb 2004
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Originally Posted by sittas87 
Originally Posted by GrimJackWhat do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on your lap??????????
(I made it up back when these jokes were popular and I was young).
Imagine a world without hypotheticals....
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
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lol.so not funny (but then again my jokes sucked even more when I was little )
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever" Mahatma Gandhi
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I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
(one of Rodney Dangerfield's lines)
(one of Rodney Dangerfield's lines)
May 'the Google' be with you!
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Junior Poster in Training
Heres a good one 
:
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants.'
:Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants.'
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Practically a Master Poster
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
Never argue with idiots, they'll just bring you down to their level and beat you with their experience.
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A Jew, a Christian, and Barak Obama were on a boat in the ocean - Barak says "Hey, this joke isn't going to work -- there's no Muslim"
Imagine a world without hypotheticals....
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.
"My dad is real good, he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is real good, he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's real good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 17:00 and is already home by 13:30!"
"My dad is real good, he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is real good, he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's real good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 17:00 and is already home by 13:30!"
drink her pretty
Ene Uran, I can't get that joke... Whats does this mean:
"I've got you both beat. My dad's real good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 17:00 and is already home by 13:30!"
"I've got you both beat. My dad's real good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 17:00 and is already home by 13:30!"
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farooqaaa, The humor lies in the speed - he gets off work at 17:00 and gets home by 13:30, that is fast; but you have to understand, in New jersey - it is possible to have a couple of no-show jobs, this is usually the kind of thing Toni Soprano does for one of his soldiers on the east coast; whereas, in Chicago - it is usually a ward captain who hands out this sort of thing
Imagine a world without hypotheticals....
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,221
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Solved Threads: 138
A woman is on her deathbed, with her husband at her side. She keeps trying to tell him something, but he keeps saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispers, "I need to make a confession before I die; I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweety," replies her husband, as he wipes the tears from her cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
"But honey," she whispers, "I need to make a confession before I die; I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweety," replies her husband, as he wipes the tears from her cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Should you find Irony, you can keep her!
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