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We need to laugh...
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 666
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Practically a Master Poster
"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!"
No, it was not GWB that said this, but Homer Simpson
No, it was not GWB that said this, but Homer Simpson
Never argue with idiots, they'll just bring you down to their level and beat you with their experience.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,550
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."
I upped my sanitary measures, up yours!
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,212
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Pastafarians strike again - this time on Speak Like a Pirate day.
Imagine a world without hypotheticals....
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
You can have my book when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,550
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A Norwegian immigrant took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the local bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the local bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"
I upped my sanitary measures, up yours!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,546
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Did you hear about the shoe factory that burned down?
Over a thousand soles were lost.
Over a thousand soles were lost.
drink her pretty
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 4,433
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Solved Threads: 249
Still funny:
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Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
- The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
- The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
- The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
- The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
- Clams don't have teeth.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
"One of the methods used by statists to destroy capitalism consists in establishing controls that tie a given industry hand and foot, making it unable to solve its problems, then declaring that freedom has failed and stronger controls are necessary." --Ayn Rand
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,286
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
No one died when Clinton lied.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,546
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Solved Threads: 174
A blonde and her boyfriend walk on the beach. he says, "Hey honey, look at that dead bird!"
She looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"
She looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"
drink her pretty
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