Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Someone might touched his wife

Sort of

True only if you sit!

Notice to Employees:
(includes part-time workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof of illness. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LUNCH
If you really must eat, eat at your desk. Any time spent heating lunch in the microwave will be deducted in five minute increments.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained and paid for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY I
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room ONLY once the contractions are five minutes apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to your departure.

This new benefit program started yesterday and all penalties will be retroactive.

The Management

mother: why you're cryin'?
daughter: I passed on the test...
mother: then why you are cryin'? What subject is it?
daughter: nope.. it's pregnancy test mom.. I'm possitive

ahihihihiihih....

REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

* You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
* You can trade a .44 for two .22’s.
* You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
* If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed
and let you try a few rounds with it.
* Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.
* Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
* A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
* Handguns function normally every day of the month.
* A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”
* A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’re done using it.
* You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without
having problems.
* A handgun doesn’t care how big your trigger finger is.
* A handgun won’t tell all of its friends if you are a “little fast on
the trigger”…

Is The Comuputer a Man or a Woman

language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Basket of Kittens

George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"

She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.

"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"

The little girl says, "Republicans."

Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl; it's really cute." They approach the little girl.

Bush greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine." Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?" She replies, "Democrats"

Abashed, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"

"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."