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Some funny jokes
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Q: "How many folks does it take at GM to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Two, if the bulb is large enough."
A: "Two, if the bulb is large enough."
No one died when Clinton lied.
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Join Date: Feb 2004
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Q: "How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb
THAT'S NOT FUNNY
THAT'S NOT FUNNY
Last edited by GrimJack; May 6th, 2009 at 11:35 pm.
Imagine a world without hypotheticals....
“Remember this distinction: The Donner Party was on track. They were not on schedule."
“Remember this distinction: The Donner Party was on track. They were not on schedule."
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies..
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies..
Don't own a gun but I'm going to join the NRA.
I figure anything that irritates liberals is worth my support.
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Looking for an exciting graduate degree? Robotics and Intelligent Autonomous Systems (RIAS) at SDSM&T See the program brochure here.
I figure anything that irritates liberals is worth my support.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for an exciting graduate degree? Robotics and Intelligent Autonomous Systems (RIAS) at SDSM&T See the program brochure here.
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A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
No one died when Clinton lied.
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Originally Posted by sneekula 
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
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Q: "Are you going to Frank's funeral?"
A: "Why should I? He is not going to mine."
A: "Why should I? He is not going to mine."
drink her pretty in burbank
Write a New Note
Yes, You Are a Genius!
=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo-oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?" --Lee Lacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Yes, You Are a Genius!
=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo-oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?" --Lee Lacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
(^.^) Art, Sci. & play had merged into the magical activity of programming (^.^)
-heroes of the c.r.
-heroes of the c.r.
Funny Thought for the Day - Miscellany
Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
(^.^) Art, Sci. & play had merged into the magical activity of programming (^.^)
-heroes of the c.r.
-heroes of the c.r.
Not So Deep Thoughts
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and overtake them.
Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and overtake them.
Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
(^.^) Art, Sci. & play had merged into the magical activity of programming (^.^)
-heroes of the c.r.
-heroes of the c.r.
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