Q: "How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?"

A: "Two - one to turn the bulb, and one to shake him/her off the ladder and then sue the ladder company."

superb, cant stop laughing

There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they are plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and the third is that they will do things that you just can't get rats to do.

Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his big book and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here right away!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs out loud and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer? They are all down here!"

Lawyers have feelings too!

Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.

The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced, "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."

Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it -- if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

Zetlin, very good story!

A lawyer was driving his shiny new BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my shiny new BMW, I love my shiny new BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My shiny new BMW! My shiny new BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Gold Rolex! My Gold Rolex!"