Check This Out

New Windows errors
Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Encountered
Winerr 001 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 002 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 003 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 004 - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 005 - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 006 - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 007 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 008 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 009 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 010 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 011 - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

Goodness!! i know TONNES

There are 6 executives, 3 working for Apple, 3 working for microsoft..
(This isnt THAT geeky a joke, so dont get your hopes up)
They were all travelling on a train to a conference, and the apple engineers bought three tickets and sat down on their seats, and got comfy, the microsoft engineers however, bought one ticket, the apple engineers asked them "How on Earth are all three of you going to get on the train with one ticket?" The microsoft engineers replyed, "Wait and see..."

So when it came to the time the ticket conductor to check the tickets, the microsoft engineers all darted to the bathroom, and hid in the toilet, the ticket conductor knocked on the door, "Tickets please" and they passed the one ticket through the door, and on the conductor went.

The Apple engineers were impressed by this, and decided to do the same on the journey back. So the apple engineers bought one ticket but this time, the microsoft engineers didnt buy one at all, the apple engineers enquired as to how, the microsoft engineers said "Wait and see" So both groups went to their respective toilets, and as the train pulled off, one of the Microsoft engineers left the cubicle, ran to where the apple engineers were, knocked on the door and said "Tickets please"

TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF


For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It

takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield, IL.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person

called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in I was assured by the other two judges (Native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your

driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,

now my backbone is in the front part of my chest I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn

out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very

impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a

strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that

her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it

from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me

to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when

I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I

should make note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight

in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll

know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it

was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

We might have figured out why windows crashes so much
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he/she yanked up to Heaven three influential humans; Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed.
"You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world."
Then, with another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called in his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly.
"The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is Gods really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after all.
The worse news is Gods mad and is going to end the world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news.
The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed.
"The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 98."

Here's some cartoons --
http://www.daniweb.com/techtalkforums/thread12587.html

Nice Pics

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

Some similar ones

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Doritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."