(Quite Old, but i still like it).

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a US Navy aircraft carrier (the USS Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:

"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

A person went to a psychiatrist. 'Doc,' he said, 'I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!'
'Just put yourself in my hands for two years,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.'
How much do you charge?, asked the person.
'My fee is $500 per visit.' 'That's awfully expensive, Doc,' reckoned the person. 'Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you.'
Six months later, the doctor and person crossed paths. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me again?' asked the psychiatrist.
'For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for Free!', said the person.
'How do you figure?' asked the psychiatrist.
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!'

Failure doesn't mean - You are a failure,
It means - You have not succeeded.
Failure doesn't mean - You accomplished nothing,
It means - You have learned something.
Failure doesn't mean - That you have been a fool,
It means - You had a lot of faith.
Failure doesn't mean - You've been disgraced.,
It means - You were willing to try.
Failure doesn't mean - You don't have it.,
It means - You have to do something in a different way.
Failure doesn't mean - You are inferior.
It means -You are not perfect.
Failure doesn't mean - You've wasted your life.,
It means - You have a reason to start afresh.
Failure doesn't mean - You should give up.,
It means - You must try harder.
Failure doesn't mean -You'll never make it.,
It means - It will take a little longer.
Failure doesn't mean - God has abandoned you.,
It means - God has a better way for you.

See This

What do you call an Irishman with 12 girlfriends?

A shepard.

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"