Ok, first joke's on me.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. :mrgreen:

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5
gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my chest."

Subject: Business Lesson



A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund
discovers
that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his directionwith the
obvious
intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks,
"I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down
to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
"Boy,that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself
with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't
seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund
says......................


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard."
>
>
>REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH
BULLS**T

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's
going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have
to do with their worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of
reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this.
Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He
was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off
and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well
and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells
just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step
up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

[1] Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

[2] Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

[3] Live simply and appreciate what you have.

[4] Give more.

[5] Expect less.

NOW Enough of that crap.

The donkey later came back and bit the dickens out of the farmer who
had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the
farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S
LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your rear, it
always comes back to bite you.

A young and successful executive was travelling down a neighbourhood
street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.
He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars. As his
car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the
Jaguar's side door! He slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car,
grabbed the kid who was standing there and pushed him against a parked
car shouting,
"What do you think you are doing, boy?"
Building up a head of steam he went on, "That's a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"
"Please sir, please. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do,"
pleaded the youngster.
"I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."
Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car.
"It's my brother, sir," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out
of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."
Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get
him back into his wheelchair, sir? He's hurt and he's too heavy for
me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat .He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair
and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking
to see that everything was going to be okay.
"Thank you and may God bless you, sir," the grateful child said to
him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother toward their
home.
It was a long walk back to his Jaguar...a long slow walk.
He never did repair the side door.
He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that
someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.
Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, God has to throw a brick at you.
It's your choice:
Listen to the whisper... or wait for the brick.

http://members.chello.at/r.pocek/xpfirewall.jpg

Says it all ....

Bill, Hillary and John Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.
Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$100 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his copilot,
"Such big shots back there... I could throw all of them out the window
and make millions happy."

A group of frogs were travelling through the woods, and two of them
fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit.
When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they
were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to
jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept
telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of
the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up.
He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the
crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped
even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs
said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was
deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word
to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through
the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to
kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross
your path.

The power of words....it is sometimes hard to understand that an
encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that
tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times.

Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

Be Special to others

Here's Mine.....

Once 4 friends were traveling through a car. All of them were engineers. One was an electrical engineer, other one was a chemical engineer, third was a mechanical engineer while the 4th was a software engineer from famous company called "Microsoft" (Bill gates wali). Suddenly the car stopped and all of them started starring at each other. Mechanical Engineer said "I think the battery of the car is down. Shall we have a look at it?".

Electrical Engineer said "No No I think the wiring connection must be wrong somewhere".

Chemical Engineer said "I think the pipe that takes the petrol must be choked. If fuel flow is not uniform how our car is going to move?".

Microsoft guy as cool as ever said Coolly "Well well... friends... instead of debating on what has happened I have got a solution that may work. Why don't we close all the windows, open the door, get out of car, get in again, open the windows... and car may just start as it was before."