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Can a Cosmic iPhone bring order to your life?

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It has long been affectionately known as the Jesus Phone because of the almost religious following it receives, but can the iPhone really harness the power of the Cosmos to help organise your life? Veteran TV presenter Noel Edmonds, he of Deal or No Deal, Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old and Noel's Christmas Presents fame reckons it can.

Indeed, Edmonds already created something of a fuss about the new age concept of Cosmic Ordering after taking to drawing different symbols on his hand for each show in the Deal or No Deal TV programme. The show became hugely popular here in the UK, catapulting the former-star back into the media limelight after having been largely off the small screen for some years. There was plenty of speculation about the images drawn on his hands, but they were eventually revealed to be part of the whole Cosmic Ordering thing which seems to involve making requests of the Cosmos which are then granted for those who adopt a positive attitude to life.

Positive Apps, the developers of the Noel Edmonds' Cosmic Ordering iPhone App, are keen to point out that "Cosmic Ordering is not a whacky form of prayer" and that they cannot "actually prove that it exists" however they also insist that it "can change your life forever".

Noel Edmonds says, in the blurb for the software at the iPhone App Store, that "Cosmic Ordering has over the past 4 years brought me a fresh, exciting lifestyle full of love, laughter, happiness and success." Not quite sure what he was ordering from the Cosmos two years ago, then, when it was reported that Edmonds was believed to have lost a small fortune as a result of the collapse of his Unique Group business. This was the company that owned the intellectual property rights to perhaps the best known of the Noel Edmonds creations, Mr Blobby.

Anyway, allowing for that apparent blip in the cosmic order of things, what do you get for the £1.19 ($1.92) that the iPhone app costs? I bit the cosmic bullet, dipped into my cosmic wallet and downloaded it to find out. While I was waiting for it to install I read some of the instructions, which seem to revolve around the fact that the Cosmos will not deliver upon your life requests unless you set yourself clear goals, open your mind, body and soul to life's opportunities and "most importantly of all" believe in yourself and your own abilities.

Right, so plenty of get out clauses when it doesn't actually work then. Looks like it will be all my own fault. Sweet. Microsoft should try that one.

The first thing you notice, and you really cannot escape it, is the fact that Noel Edmonds is big in Cosmic Ordering: so big his face fills the entire iPhone screen when you launch the app. I could have done without that, to be honest. Hit the big ? button on the toolbar and you get more Noel, explaining in a video how Cosmic Ordering can change your life. I am starting to wonder if I have actually just bought a Noel Edmonds PR application by mistake here. Ah, hit the 'manage' button and you get the chance to 'Make a Cosmic Order' which I do against a pink and blue background of stars and suchlike. Not being too greedy, I opt for winning the UK National Lottery this Wednesday when the jackpot will be much smaller than either the Saturday draw or the Euro Lottery draw on Friday. Hitting the button to launch my order it vanishes in a star-field screensaver effect, complete with Disney fairy twinkling sounds. I'm not sure if this is important to make it work or not.

So what else does it do? Actually, not a lot. I can sort my orders by category such as health, wealth, happiness etc. I can flag them as being completed, although obviously I will have to wait until Wednesday night for confirmation of my lottery win.

Ah, the penny drops: I've bought a Cosmic ToDo list with pink and blue stars, twinkly sound effects and a video of Noel Edmonds. If you do believe in this stuff, save yourself a quid and just use any free ToDo list app on the iPhone and you'll surely still achieve the same results?

If there was any justice in the Cosmos, Apple would have approved the Google Voice app and the South Park app. Maybe I should send a Cosmic Order requesting approval for those two much more deserving apps, and another for a full refund, before I delete this one from my iPhone?

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Davey Winder

I'm a hacker turned writer and consultant, specialising in IT security. I've been a freelance word punk for over 20 years and along the way I have seen 23 of my books published, produced and presented programmes for TV and radio, picked up a bunch of awards and continue being a contributing editor with PC Pro - the best selling IT magazine in the UK .

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