Haha i dont have an IT joke, but i had this kind of joke
Once there was dog who is a sex maniac, he raped many of the animal in the forest, he raped chicken, cow, goat, pig etc. Almost all animals were raped and his crime continues for a long time. The animals of the forest are praying when will it stop that one day the lord will hear their prayers and punish the dog for his sin. One day when the cat was wandering in the forest... he saw the dog laying in the ground face down quivering horribly, Then the Cat says "Ha! good for you! The lord has punished you with your sin and deliver a quick death! die fool!". Just as the cat walk away the dog suddenly replies "Who's fool!? just wait i finish raping this ant and your next" ^_^
Dad and daughter are chilling at the house and the Dad comes up stairs and into the daughters room and says "what in the hell are you doing and what is this ??" as he see's a dildo sitting on the nightstand. The daughters starts to yell at him and says daddy damn it, I'm 42, still live back at home, i don't have a man or a partner, i hate living here and i hate my job. Damn it daddy i got to have a life.
So the dad says well ok whatever and leaves.
Everything seems fine and then the next day dad comes home and sits at the bar for a bit.
Well the daughter comes home and seems like a great happy day and see's her dad sitting at the bar all alone and then looks over and notices he isn't alone. She notices he is sitting there drinking a Beer in one hand and has the dildo in his other hand.
and... she says " DADDY what the hell are you doing?".
he say's what the hell does it look like im doing ??
I'm sitting here having a drink with my son-in-law for god sakes.
In the office today, lady said to me, ask the other IT guys! no i can handle it easily! your taking forever, there is no I in team!... no your right, but there is an I in IT and an i in Million which i am earning and you are not so sit down and shutup :) I know, i have good customer service :)
These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howeU r89nvyowmc63Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
Well here is a few jokes Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They just declare darkness the standard
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ __________________________________________
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________________________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________
17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in. __________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? __________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood. __________________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION: LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: What them dang flies do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows
A stranger from the land of Woot came to Master Foo as he was eating the morning meal with his students.
I hear y00 are very l33t, he said. Pl33z teach m3 all y00 know.
Master Foo's students looked at each other, confused by the stranger's barbarous language. Master Foo just smiled and replied: You wish to learn the Way of Unix?
I want to b3 a wizard hax0r, the stranger replied, and 0wn ever3one's b0xen.
I do not teach that Way, replied Master Foo.
The stranger grew agitated. D00d, y00 r nothing but a p0ser, he said. If y00 n00 anything, y00 wud t33ch m3.
There is a path, said Master Foo, that might bring you to wisdom. The master scribbled an IP address on a piece of paper. Cracking this box should pose you little difficulty, as its guardians are incompetent. Return and tell me what you find.
The stranger bowed and left. Master Foo finished his meal.
Days passed, then months. The stranger was forgotten.
Years later, the stranger from the land of Woot returned.
Damn you! he said, I cracked that box, and it was easy like you said. But I got busted by the FBI and thrown in jail.
Good, said Master Foo. You are ready for the next lesson. He scribbled an IP address on another piece of paper and handed it to the stranger.
Are you crazy? the stranger yelled. After what I've been through, I'm never going to break into a computer again!
Master Foo smiled. Here, he said, is the beginning of wisdom.
Master Foo once said to a visiting programmer: There is more Unix-nature in one line of shell script than there is in ten thousand lines of C.
The programmer, who was very proud of his mastery of C, said: How can this be? C is the language in which the very kernel of Unix is implemented!
Master Foo replied: That is so. Nevertheless, there is more Unix-nature in one line of shell script than there is in ten thousand lines of C.
The programmer grew distressed. But through the C language we experience the enlightenment of the Patriarch Ritchie! We become as one with the operating system and the machine, reaping matchless performance!
Master Foo replied: All that you say is true. But there is still more Unix-nature in one line of shell script than there is in ten thousand lines of C.
The programmer scoffed at Master Foo and rose to depart. But Master Foo nodded to his student Nubi, who wrote a line of shell script on a nearby whiteboard, and said: Master programmer, consider this pipeline. Implemented in pure C, would it not span ten thousand lines?
The programmer muttered through his beard, contemplating what Nubi had written. Finally he agreed that it was so.
And how many hours would you require to implement and debug that C program? asked Nubi.
Many, admitted the visiting programmer. But only a fool would spend the time to do that when so many more worthy tasks await him.
And who better understands the Unix-nature? Master Foo asked. Is it he who writes the ten thousand lines, or he who, perceiving the emptiness of the task, gains merit by not coding?
Upon hearing this, the programmer was enlightened.