Lawyer Joke of the Day

[sneekula]

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and
asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

[vegaseat]

Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Professional courtesy.

[sneekula]

Good News:
A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.

Bad News:
There were three empty seats.

[sk8ndestroy14]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone. I heard from a guy I met at an airport, of all places.
Q: You're in a room with a lawyer, Osama Bin Laden, and Saddam Hussein and you have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

[EnderX]

How many Lawyer Jokes are there in the world?

Three. The rest are all true stories.

[sneekula]

An engineer, a physicist and a lawyer were interviewed for
a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of
questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer
excused himself, and made a series of measurements and
calculations before returning to the board room and announcing,
"Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the
same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused
himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards
and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was
interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all
the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone
was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked
"How much do you want it to be?"

[MidiMagic]

California has 2/3 of the lawyers in the US because New Jersey got to choose first. They chose toxic waste instead.

[vegaseat]

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

[Dave Sinkula]

Q: Before signing the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you listen for a heart beat?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So when you signed the death certificate you hadn't taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?
A: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
-- Cross of Coroner by Defense Atty

[MidiMagic]

Satan filed suit against God.

God said he could easily win.

Then Satan said, "Oh, really? Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[sneekula]

California has 2/3 of the lawyers in the US because New Jersey got to choose first. They chose toxic waste instead.

Oh yeah California, where your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag, and your lawyer is Perry Mason on pot.

[sneekula]

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do, and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

[Dave Sinkula]

http://socialistsquirrel.com/archives/322

You might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer — who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes sir.’

Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[MidiMagic]

Where there's a will, there's a lawyer's bill.

[ZZucker]

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person
assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets
arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

[sneekula]

A local lawyer defending a drunk driver couldn't show up in court because he had been arrested for drunk driving.

[EnderX]

"Did you hear? Old man Smith's found a way to insure the lawyer's don't get any more of his money than his kids do."
"How'd he do it?"
"He left half his estate to one of the best lawyers around, provided the other half gets to his heirs intact."

[sk8ndestroy14]

I had a mock trial competition yesterday and at the end the judge said that one of our witnesses that played an officer did a good job because it's usually hard because officers come off as cold or unlikeable to juries in a courtroom. The funny thing is that witness' dad was a real cop and he was there in the courtroom when they said that, in uniform. Then the judge realized what she just said and got all embarressed. (By the way, we won and get to move on to regional competition. I played the part of defense lawyer so I felt pretty good. If we win this we go to the state competition and then on to the national competition.)

[vmanes]

99% of lawyers make the the other 1% look bad.

[Lardmeister]

99% of lawyers make the the other 1% look bad.

Well, my dad is a very successful lawyer and has helped a lot of people in his life. Something he and I are proud off. Looks like this thread is more about envy, by folks who have an unsuccessful and poorly paying job.

[EnderX]

No, it's about the stereotype of who/what a lawyer is.

According to the stereotype, Lawyers:

a) manage to get rich, but without any 'real' effort behind it.

b) are, effectively, forced to be dishonest by their profession.

c) are generally not seen as benefiting their fellow man in the same way that, say, a doctor does.

[Dave Sinkula]

a) manage to get rich, but without any 'real' effort behind it.
b) are, effectively, forced to be dishonest by their profession.
c) are generally not seen as benefiting their fellow man in the same way that, say, a doctor does.

...but enough about John Edwards. :rimshot:

[sneekula]

Well, my dad is a very successful lawyer and has helped a lot of people in his life. Something he and I are proud off. Looks like this thread is more about envy, by folks who have an unsuccessful and poorly paying job.

Hey Lardmeister, the reason there are lawyer jokes is that the lawyers laugh at them the hardest!

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

[ZZucker]

The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk.

[EnderX]

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller.
The other's a fish.

[sneekula]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan
appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a
proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the
rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues
will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of
money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul,
your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents,
and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law
partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then
asked, "So, what's the catch?"

[vegaseat]

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

[vegaseat]

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

[vegaseat]

A man is innocent until proven broke.

[C. A. Cross]

What do you get if you cross a lawyer with Satan?

No changes occur.