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Q: "How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?"

A: "Two - one to turn the bulb, and one to shake him/her off the ladder and then sue the ladder company."

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There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they are plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and the third is that they will do things that you just can't get rats to do.

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his big book and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here right away!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs out loud and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer? They are all down here!"

1

Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.

The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced, "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."

Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it -- if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

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A lawyer was driving his shiny new BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my shiny new BMW, I love my shiny new BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My shiny new BMW! My shiny new BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Gold Rolex! My Gold Rolex!"

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How lawyers do it:

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

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Q: "What can a goose do, that a duck can't do, and a lawyer should do?"
A: "Stick his bill up his pooper."

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Q: "What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?"
A: "The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes."

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Dave, nice sense of comedy.

Q: "What's the difference between God and an attorney?"
A: "God doesn't think he's an attorney."

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A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The new statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $150.00."

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Fred walks into the post office one day and sees one middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

Fred's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?' "

"But why?" asks Fred.

"I'm successful divorce lawyer."

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One gang of robbers broke into the lawyer's club. The legal lions gave them one fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"

1

A building full of lawyers was held hostage. The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

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This is true story
In our city, One dog died immediately after biting a judge , stay away from them.

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Q: "Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?"
A: "To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service."

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A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. I'll get him into the course. So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'so, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer........)

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Q: "Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?"
A: "No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print."

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edit: nvm, comment I was responding to was in response to one post in particular

Edited by BestJewSinceJC: n/a

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