HUMOR

[terence193]

Hey PPl

I started this thread for some humor...
Please post your jokes here...

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Have Fun

[uniquestar]

http://www.daniweb.com/forums/thread77206.html

[sneekula]

Child: "Mom, why do you have strands of grey hair mixed in with your dark hair?"

Mother: "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

Child after some thinking: "Mom, why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

[GrimJack]

<<long story detailing all the petty grievances of the day leading to - >> I finally got the cash register to open and drawer shot out spilling change all over the floor. I was on my hands and knees picking up change when the phone rang, I stood up to answer it and smacked my head on the still-open register drawer. When I got to the phone it was your mom asking me how to use an anal suppository - so I told her.

[digitalocksmith]

The future of google:

[IMG]http://photoserver.ws/files/3lh8kaan6y4z6j2g8chb.jpg[/IMG]

[sneekula]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the wife's reply.

[bumsfeld]

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

[Lardmeister]

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to hearing specialist who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that gave him perfect hearing again.

The elderly man went back after a month to see the specialist who asked him, "Is your family pleased with your perfect hearing?"

The elderly man said, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

[sneekula]

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

[GrimJack]

I just ran across this (old) joke:
"Man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, whenever I fart it sounds like this", and demonstrates. There is a drawn out noise that sounds for all the world like "Honda!". He does it again, and again it sounds like he's calling out the name of the Japanese manufacturer. "What is wrong with me, doc?" (In all jokes, doctors are called "doc". It's required.)

The doctor hems and haws for a few minutes and consults a learned tome, and then asks, "Have you been drinking absinthe lately?" For those who don't know, that's a nasty alcoholic drink that is banned in many countries. "Well, yes, I have," replies the hapless man. "Well, that explains it!" the doctor triumphantly says. "Absinthe makes the farts go 'Honda!'" "

[Lardmeister]

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Oh no, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

[Lardmeister]

Q: "How do you make the average blonde laugh on Friday?"
A: "Tell her a joke on Monday!"

[steven woodman]

Whats the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

..............................You cant unload a truck of bowling balls with a pitch fork.

[Ene Uran]

A husband and wife went to the marriage counselor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they ever had in the 20 years of marriage.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their long marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the counselor got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately, as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The counselor turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off with you on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

[bumsfeld]

There was this blonde driving down the road. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in the nearby field, rowing her boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes very bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind!"

[bumsfeld]

Lady Helen went to her priest with her major problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, Lady Helen brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and were quietly praying in their cage.

She put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

The male parrots looked at each other and burst out "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[Lardmeister]

“I’ve sure gotten old,” said my grandpappy. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees.

I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, and have such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t even remember if I’m 56, or 69, or 87!

But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

[fierykido]

this joke does not oringinate from me.its just to make every one have a laugh.

a couple have a memory problem and cannot remember well.the doctor advised them to write down everything they need to remember on a piece of paper.a night, the wife said to her husband,"go and help me cut a piece of straw berry cake.go on write it on a piece of paper.""i don't need it."says the husband as he headed off to the kitchen.
when the husband came back with a plate of grilled fish, the wife scolded her husband ,"i told you to write it down in a piece of paper didn't i? i wanted a packet of fries!".

[sittas87]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

Now you know!!

[maydhyam]

THIS IS A GOOD AND SIMPLE REASONING!!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running."

[sneekula]

My father bought an exercise machine to help him lose weight. He set it up in the basement, but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how it was going.

He said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the darn machine.”

[sittas87]

There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big party, and

it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers that had a
buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed sewing.

The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run
across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.

And so he did. A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all
right, but he was terribly beaten up.

"Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over there for

the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!"

"Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and that
it would just take her a second. So, I sat down and she began sewing on the
button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent over to
bite off the thread and her husband came in the door."

[JobMatchNow]

What did the computer say to another computer?
No thing they are not on a network.

[cook]

Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?

[selfhelpebooks]

Some good ones!
The one I like is:
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
:D

[ZZucker]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[maydhyam]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Abbotsford, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[itdupuis]

Funny, very funny indeed maydhyam!

boy comes in to ask grandma what it is called when one person sleeps on top of the other. feeling that it is her responsibility to be honest with the boy she reluctantly tells him it is called sexual intercourse. Boy leaves and comes back in twenty minutes. He says to his grandma, "Grandma you were wrong! It is called BUNK BEDS, and Jimmy's mom from down the block would like to have a word with you!

[sittas87]

[mind the capital letters]
A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER
WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN. HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM
AND SAID "BOSS, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR
GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO
HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE
WITH HIS PAPERWORK, HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED
UP.

HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM, HE FINALLY
UNDERSTOOD. THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE
FROM HIS SECRETARY. WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE
GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "NO, SIR I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW
WAS A MINI COOPER WITH 2 FLAT TYRES!!!

[maydhyam]

Funny, very funny indeed maydhyam!

Thanks...:)...hope you all enjoy this as well...

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'