HUMOR - Page 3

[maydhyam]

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A thought.' It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of..'

'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.

'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.

'Hmmm, let me see...... A blink!,' said the second man. 'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!', said the interviewer. The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed.'

The interviewer then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

'Well,' said the third candidate, 'out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'

The interviewer was very impressed with the third candidate's' answer and thought he had found his man.

'It's hard to beat the speed of light.', the Interviewer said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the same question.

'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the fouth man.

'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh, I can explain,' said the fourth man. You see, the previous day I wasn't feeling too well and ran to the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, there was shit my pants.'

The fourth man got the job.

[sittas87]

A woman is on her deathbed, with her husband at her side. She keeps trying to tell him something, but he keeps saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispers, "I need to make a confession before I die; I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweety," replies her husband, as he wipes the tears from her cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Thats a good one

[bumsfeld]

A 94-year-old guy was arrested in a vice sweep for soliciting a hooker.

This is what happens when Medicare covers Viagra.

[maydhyam]

And you thought you were having a bad day!!!

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.'

[Lardmeister]

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?

A. To keep ghosts inside at midnight
B. There was extra money
C. Because people are dying to get in
D. To lower the water bill

[Ene Uran]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

[sittas87]

Check this out

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Try This. It's Pretty Cool !

Just try this...............It is from an orthopaedic
surgeon...........................
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to
see if you can outsmart your right foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed
in your brain!!
1. While sitting where you are , at your desk, in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!!! And there's nothing you can do about it. You and I both
know how stupid it is, but before the day is done, you are going to try it
again, if you've not already done so. hehe

[ZZucker]

One day a perfect man and a perfect woman were driving in their perfect car. They saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were, they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

[ZZucker]

Two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit droppings.

The first boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the second boy, ''eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So the first boy ate a couple of them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the seond boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

[marketingworld]

I came across here, and maybe you'll like this one:

One day, an atheist was asked by his son a prayer. He left this note on his bed: GOD IS NOWHERE. The child, after seeing it, read it this way: GOD IS NOW HERE.

Have a fruitful day!

[sittas87]

I came across here, and maybe you'll like this one:

One day, an atheist was asked by his son a prayer. He left this note on his bed: GOD IS NOWHERE. The child, after seeing it, read it this way: GOD IS NOW HERE.

Have a fruitful day!

very inspiring

[GrimJack]

You're inspired by a bad pun? OOF! You must enjoy Family Circus cartoons.

[sneekula]

One more funny bumper sticker:

[ZZucker]

Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.

Now to something really funny:

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his organ and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[sneekula]

Did you hear about the welfare doll?

You wind it up and it doesn't work.

[tiger86]

A very upset IT came to me one day and said "I wish I could just stop all the hackers in the world at once." I chuckled and said " There is an easy solution to that." The IT begged for me to tell him how and I refused for months, he bought me a car, a yacht, and finally a private jet then I told him " Just take away all of their blackhats."

[sneekula]

Cute English:

Sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby ...

The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

[Lardmeister]

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

[Lardmeister]

W. during the third presidential debate: "Mr. Vice President (Gore), in all due respect, it is -- I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this, 100 percent will get it if I'm the president."

[sneekula]

I noticed that the car in front of me at the light had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus".

So I thought about it a bit, and since I love Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very suprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red you fugging ahsshole!!!!"

[sittas87]

I noticed that the car in front of me at the light had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus".

So I thought about it a bit, and since I love Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very suprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red you fugging ahsshole!!!!"

LMAO.hell no, thats so not right

talking about witch...
I once drove behind a scrappy old car and the doubled lanes forced me to drive behind the scrappy lil car, I than noticed at the back of the car a sticker saying "If my car is so slow, why are you reading this"

I than drove past the car

[sneekula]

Q: "What did the blond fellow say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag?"
A: " 'Debbie' ... that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

[sittas87]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

[sneekula]

THIS IS SIMPLY AMAZING

It's pretty cool. Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image. You'll be quite amazed when it comes into view.

{{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++?????????????/////////////%
> > > > ||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""""}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%
> > > > =/////////^^!~~~~~::---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
> > > > =///////^^!~~~~~::----))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
> > > > ====]]\\\\\///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
> > > > $$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%
> > > > =/////////^^!~~~~~::---))))*****+++---?""??@@@@@@@@<%
> > > > ]/\\///////*****<<<<<
> > > > ====]]\\\\\///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~
> > > > //////****==--<<<__ //////***==__)

If you have trouble seeing it, try getting close to the screen, even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes. This usually helps people to see it.

[steven woodman]

cant see anything? looks like thers is shape there kinda like a star with rounded corners?????? I dont know.

[sneekula]

A woman tells her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He fell down the stairs and broke his neck."

"Broke his neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[Ene Uran]

That will get your mind going:

[Ene Uran]

Cause and effect about to happen:

[Lardmeister]

A black man is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the black man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it."

So the black man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a pickup with two workers drives by.

"Man," says one worker to the other, "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are getting hard."

[ZZucker]

Definition of a Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.