HUMOR - Page 6

[sneekula]

A hole has appeared in the wall of the ladies changing room at the sports club.

Police are looking into it.

[sneekula]

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Texas. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Arizona, where the bulls are cheap, to buy a bull.

She finds an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Texas that says HAVE FOUND THE STUD BULL FOR OUR RANCH, BRING THE TRAILER."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I’d like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"COMFORTABLE." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I’m sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads real slow, when she gets this, she will read out loud COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

[maydhyam]

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

[vegaseat]

If your wife and her lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

[maydhyam]

"The Shredder"

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[maydhyam]

"The Shredder"

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[sneekula]

Professions can be ...

Judges disappointed
Lawyers disbarred
Gardeners deflowered
Tree surgeons debarked
Cowboys deranged
Celebrities defamed
Clergymen defrocked
Taste testers distasted
Wind farmers disgusted
Cardiologists disheartened
Accountants defiled
Electricians delighted
Programmers deprogrammed
Sculptors disfigured
Product testers detested
Castle architects demoted
Conductors disbanded
Musicians denoted
Churchmebers dismembered
Poker players discarded
Contortionists disjointed
Insurance agents disclaimed
Calendar photographers dismayed
Mimes disquieted
Bankers disinterested
Dressmakers distressed
Dry cleaners depressed?
Teachers degraded
Sailors deported
Landlords displaced

[GrimJack]

Doctor: Mr. Jones, you have to stop masturbating.
Mr. Jones: But why?
Doctor: Because I am trying to examine you.

[vegaseat]

Its tax time and a man is sitting with his accountant going through his deductions at the Australian Tax Office (ATO). The ATO representative states that gambling losses are not deductible.

The man says, "But I'm a gambler, if I can prove it, will you allow them?"

Sure, says the ATO representative and yawns.

The man says, "I will bet you $3,000 that I can bite my own eye."

"You’re on," says the ATO representative, "and your accountant is my witness!"

The man removes his glass eye, bites it and then returns it to his socket.

"Kacka!" says the ATO representative wondering how he is going to explain this to his boss.

"I'll tell you what" says the man, "if I can bite the other eye, will you bet another $3,000?".

Pretty sure that the man is not blind, and with the option of squaring his debt, he agrees. The man duly removes his dentures and bites the other eyeball!

[GrimJack]

This was not a joke:
A house-mate of mine was looking out the window and said "look how big and beautiful the orange harvest moon is!"
I said "that is a Union 76 gas station sign"

[dvdreplication]

I dont remember any joke right now but i really enjoyed all the jokes here, i am feeling good. :D

[nick.crane]

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are in a car when it malfunctions and they speed uncontrolably down a hill, finally coming to a stop on a grass verge.

The mechanical engineer says "Lets check if the brakes are faulty".

The electrical engneer says "Lets check for a blown fuse or short."

The software engineer says "Lets push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[Perry.Traw]

YOU GOTTA LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three
wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--- if at all.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

[vegaseat]

It's Father's Day and a father walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"

To which the father matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy, "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

His father replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He then notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." his father answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the father replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March ...

[vegaseat]

Since it is FIFA time, it's Sweden vs Switzerland ...
The Swedish national team left at half time thinking the game was over and the Swiss team got onto the field thinking the game just started.

[vegaseat]

No news is good news!
So send your friends empty envelopes.