Ok, first joke's on me.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. :mrgreen:

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my chest."

Subject: Business Lesson

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund
that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his directionwith the
intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks,
"I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down
to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
"Boy,that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself
with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't
seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's
going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have
to do with their worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of
reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this.
Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He
was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off
and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well
and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells
just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

[1] Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

[2] Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

[3] Live simply and appreciate what you have.

[4] Give more.

[5] Expect less.

NOW Enough of that crap.

The donkey later came back and bit the dickens out of the farmer who
had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the
farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S
LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your rear, it
always comes back to bite you.

A young and successful executive was travelling down a neighbourhood
street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.
He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars. As his
car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the
Jaguar's side door! He slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car,
grabbed the kid who was standing there and pushed him against a parked
car shouting,
"What do you think you are doing, boy?"
Building up a head of steam he went on, "That's a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"
"Please sir, please. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do,"
pleaded the youngster.
"I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."
Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car.
"It's my brother, sir," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out
of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."
Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get
him back into his wheelchair, sir? He's hurt and he's too heavy for
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat .He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair
and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking
to see that everything was going to be okay.
"Thank you and may God bless you, sir," the grateful child said to
him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother toward their
It was a long walk back to his Jaguar...a long slow walk.
He never did repair the side door.
He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that
someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.
Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, God has to throw a brick at you.
It's your choice:
Listen to the whisper... or wait for the brick.

Bill, Hillary and John Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.
Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$100 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his copilot,
"Such big shots back there... I could throw all of them out the window
and make millions happy."

A group of frogs were travelling through the woods, and two of them
fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit.
When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they
were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to
jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept
telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of
the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up.
He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the
crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped
even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs
said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was
deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word
to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through
the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to
kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross
your path.

The power of words....it is sometimes hard to understand that an
encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that
tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times.

Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

Be Special to others

Here's Mine.....

Once 4 friends were traveling through a car. All of them were engineers. One was an electrical engineer, other one was a chemical engineer, third was a mechanical engineer while the 4th was a software engineer from famous company called "Microsoft" (Bill gates wali). Suddenly the car stopped and all of them started starring at each other. Mechanical Engineer said "I think the battery of the car is down. Shall we have a look at it?".

Electrical Engineer said "No No I think the wiring connection must be wrong somewhere".

Chemical Engineer said "I think the pipe that takes the petrol must be choked. If fuel flow is not uniform how our car is going to move?".

Microsoft guy as cool as ever said Coolly "Well well... friends... instead of debating on what has happened I have got a solution that may work. Why don't we close all the windows, open the door, get out of car, get in again, open the windows... and car may just start as it was before."

Check This Out

New Windows errors
Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Encountered
Winerr 001 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 002 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 003 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 004 - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 005 - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 006 - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 007 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 008 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 009 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 010 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 011 - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

Goodness!! i know TONNES

There are 6 executives, 3 working for Apple, 3 working for microsoft..
(This isnt THAT geeky a joke, so dont get your hopes up)
They were all travelling on a train to a conference, and the apple engineers bought three tickets and sat down on their seats, and got comfy, the microsoft engineers however, bought one ticket, the apple engineers asked them "How on Earth are all three of you going to get on the train with one ticket?" The microsoft engineers replyed, "Wait and see..."

So when it came to the time the ticket conductor to check the tickets, the microsoft engineers all darted to the bathroom, and hid in the toilet, the ticket conductor knocked on the door, "Tickets please" and they passed the one ticket through the door, and on the conductor went.

The Apple engineers were impressed by this, and decided to do the same on the journey back. So the apple engineers bought one ticket but this time, the microsoft engineers didnt buy one at all, the apple engineers enquired as to how, the microsoft engineers said "Wait and see" So both groups went to their respective toilets, and as the train pulled off, one of the Microsoft engineers left the cubicle, ran to where the apple engineers were, knocked on the door and said "Tickets please"


For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It

takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person

called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in I was assured by the other two judges (Native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your

driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,

now my backbone is in the front part of my chest I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn

out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very


Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a

strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that

her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it

from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me

to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when

I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I

should make note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight

in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll

know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its


Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it

was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

We might have figured out why windows crashes so much
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he/she yanked up to Heaven three influential humans; Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed.
"You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world."
Then, with another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called in his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly.
"The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is Gods really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after all.
The worse news is Gods mad and is going to end the world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news.
The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed.
"The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 98."

commented: Nice joke Asif_NSU +2

Nice Pics

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

Some similar ones

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Doritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Quite Old, but i still like it).

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a US Navy aircraft carrier (the USS Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:

"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

A person went to a psychiatrist. 'Doc,' he said, 'I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!'
'Just put yourself in my hands for two years,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.'
How much do you charge?, asked the person.
'My fee is $500 per visit.' 'That's awfully expensive, Doc,' reckoned the person. 'Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you.'
Six months later, the doctor and person crossed paths. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me again?' asked the psychiatrist.
'For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for Free!', said the person.
'How do you figure?' asked the psychiatrist.
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!'

Failure doesn't mean - You are a failure,
It means - You have not succeeded.
Failure doesn't mean - You accomplished nothing,
It means - You have learned something.
Failure doesn't mean - That you have been a fool,
It means - You had a lot of faith.
Failure doesn't mean - You've been disgraced.,
It means - You were willing to try.
Failure doesn't mean - You don't have it.,
It means - You have to do something in a different way.
Failure doesn't mean - You are inferior.
It means -You are not perfect.
Failure doesn't mean - You've wasted your life.,
It means - You have a reason to start afresh.
Failure doesn't mean - You should give up.,
It means - You must try harder.
Failure doesn't mean -You'll never make it.,
It means - It will take a little longer.
Failure doesn't mean - God has abandoned you.,
It means - God has a better way for you.

See This

What do you call an Irishman with 12 girlfriends?

A shepard.

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

commented: :) +1