Some funny jokes - Page 3

[sneekula]

Q: "How many folks does it take at GM to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Two, if the bulb is large enough."

[GrimJack]

Q: "How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb
THAT'S NOT FUNNY

[vmanes]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies..

[sneekula]

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

[dirt14]

Hahaha, thanks guys.

[jlm699]

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

Bravo! How true!

[Ene Uran]

Q: "Are you going to Frank's funeral?"
A: "Why should I? He is not going to mine."

[ahihihi...]

Write a New Note
Yes, You Are a Genius!
=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo-oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=oOo=
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?" --Lee Lacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[ahihihi...]

Funny Thought for the Day - Miscellany

Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

[ahihihi...]

Not So Deep Thoughts

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and overtake them.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

[sneekula]

Q: "How do you keep a moron in suspense?"
A: "Take a blank card and write "Turn over!" on both sides."

[ddanbe]

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

[Norbert X]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you later.

[ahihihi...]

pay your bill

Boy : I love You....
Girl : I don't..
Boy : think again..
girl : no,i don;t..
boy : waiter get two seprate bills for lunch..
girl : i love you alot..I am saying this..my love ,don;t take little things at heart..:)

who started first?

Father: Dear son This time you have to gain at least 95% marks..
Son: No dad , I will gain 100% this time..
Father:  why r you making a joke..
Son: Who started first …..?????

woman v/s bus driver

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead; I'll hold your monkey for you."

[vegaseat]

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

[GrimJack]

He,he - I didn't get the reference until I read it the 2nd time

Saint-Exupéry rocks.

[ddanbe]

He !
The little prince!
I actually read it in French, so it would be "Le petit prince":)

[GrimJack]

He !
The little prince!
I actually read it in French, so it would be "Le petit prince":)

Back in my youth, I collected Le Petit Prince in about 15 languages and found a woman from each to read it to me - loved that book (and still do),

[ahihihi...]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.

The Programmers' Cheer :

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

"Have you heard about the object-oriennted way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance."

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.
If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.
But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

APL is a write-only language.
In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran

.

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.

Have you heared they are developing an Object Oriented version of COBOL? It's called...Bruce Clement, SIGPLAN Notices, 1992

Programming Languages are Like Cars
Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

What is an example of a never halting program?
Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying "you go first".

Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex
It is on everybody's mind all the time.
Everyone is talking about it all the time.
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are:
doing it poorly;
sure it will be better next time;
not practicing it safely.

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 � inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.Paraphrased after a famous saying by Mark Twain

Software Development Cycle
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.

[sneekula]

Judges can be disappointed, gardeners deflowered, celebrities defamed, horses desired, electricians delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, programmers deprogrammed, dry cleaners depressed, sculptors disfigured, product testers detested, castle architects demoted, stock brokers distrusted, teachers degraded, wind farmers disgusted, insurance agents disclaimed, bankers disinterested, ...

[quicktpgo]

Man "I’d like to call you. What’s your number?"
Woman "It’s in the phone book."
Man "But I don’t know your name."
Woman "That’s in the phone book too."

LOL, she didn't want give u the number!