Your Favorite Joke

[Sabryan]

This is my favorite joke, and what's yours?
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"

[jephthah]

i'm not seeing how there's any fundamental difference between a mercedes, ferrari, or a bentley.

[WaltP]

Not a car guy, eh?

[WilliamJohnson]

Santa was travelling in train. A woman sat on his son's birth and didn't get up..
Santa shouted: "THIS LADY IS NOT GIVING BIRTH TO MY CHILD"..

[Maywyn]

I haven't been here in a long time.
Sorry if I've posted this before
blonde joke...
Blonde is taking a drive in the countryside when she sees something strange in the middle of a cornfield. She pulls over, and gets out to take a look. There in the knee high corn, a blonde woman is in a row boat rowing in the dirt. The oars are just a blur she's rowing so fast.

The blonde driver shouts over, "What are you doing!? Its blondes like you that give us a band name. If I could swim, I come over there to kick you butt!"

[jephthah]

every one of these jokes are terrible.

i want my 2 minutes back.

A Welshman, an Englishman and Jessica Alba were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Jessica Alba and the Welshman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, "That Welsh chap must have kissed Jessica Alba and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Jessica Alba was thinking, "The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Welshman and got slapped for it."

And the Welshman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English b*stard again."

[cwarn23]

I got a joke that is more of a prank which I accidentally did as I forgot my name. This is how it goes. You ring up a local business you know and have talked to before than they ask who is it? So you answer "It's me.". Then they'll say who? You then reply "me". They might ask how do you spell your name. So you spell "m, e.". Then they say "ok me what do you want?" and the person behind them on the phone looks at them like if the person is talking to himself/herself. So then you can say I want to speak to the worker named Bill. Well use a name of a worker that is there. Then they will shout out to back "hey Bill, there is a me on the phone for you." Bill might ask who is it. And the agent would reply "me. Not as in myself but a person called me". True story but funny joke.

[BestJewSinceJC]

How do you forget your own name?

'Little Willy wants to know where he comes from,' said the team captain's wife one evening.
'You're his father - you should tell him.'

The skipper downed a couple of stiff drinks and called little Willy in. For the next half hour, he told him all about the birds and the bees, and then moved on to mummies and daddies . . .

When he finished, he said, 'I hope that's helped you understand, Willy - but, tell me, why did you want to know where you come from?'

'Well,' said the boy, 'I've made friends with this lad at school - and he comes from Birmingham.'

[cwarn23]

How do you forget your own name?

I guess by being nervous or something. I know it's hard to forget your name but when you do you can make a fool of yourself when introducing yourself or vice versa.

[Lardmeister]

She said, 'For my birthday I want something sporty that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

He bought her a bathroom scale.

[vegaseat]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, but each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Donner has to be a female!

According to my GF, only women would be able to drag a jolly fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

[vegaseat]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, but each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Donner has to be a female!

According to my GF, only women would be able to drag a jolly fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

[Sabryan]

Another one:
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[Sabryan]

Another one:
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

[jon.kiparsky]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

[DJ_ExelixiS]

and another one:

-doctor, before the surgery you didnt had a beard!
-I'm not a doctor, IM SAINT PETER!

and another one:

-Doc, i see blue and green dots.
-Have you seen an oculist?
-No, only blue and green dots.

and the last one:

*If swimming helps us to lose weight then what are whales doing wrong?

*Why are we washing the towels that we use to wipe our bodies after the bath, when after the bath we are clean ?

[ApocDen]

not the funniest just my favorite

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

[ih8bugz]

Here it goes! Sorry it's so long.
Two guys are out hiking in very rough terrain, when one falls and breaks his leg so bad that both bones are sticking out. His friend has to go for help, but when he finds it, they can't get to him for a rescue any way, but to hike in after him. His friend agrees to lead a medic in and help with getting him back out. Once the medic actually gets to him, his leg has to be set on site, nothing for pain or anything! The guy doesn't even complain once while his leg is set or he hikes out on it. Finally the medic gets him into the ambulance where he can really start doing some thing for the pain. The medic says to the guy, wow, you have a very high tolerance for pain. Most people would not be able to stand me setting their leg, much less walking on it afterward. That's one of the worst pains I can imagine. The guy responds, oh I have endured much worse pain than that. When I was a teenager I tried to use the bathroom out hunting with my uncle and squatted over a bear trap. The medic agrees that it most assuredly must be the worst pain ever! Then the guy says that even that was not the worst pain that he had ever felt. The medic, thinking the guy is lying, asks what could possibly be worse that that. The guy responds, When I ran out of chain!