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How do I get over a break up? I am feeling really shitty. My ex girl who was my
first just gave me the "we should be friends" card. Actually we been on and off
lately because of some complicated stuff. But now, I don't want to go back, and since
she broke up( again ), I am not going back if she asks because I am tired of this rollercoaster. But right now I feel really really shitty. Been thinking about her the
whole day. Went to gym to relax my mind, and it worked a little but now the shitty feeling
is back. Any advice from the more experience?

Votes + Comments
Hang in there
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Last Post by firstPerson
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got a hobby or activity that you haven't touched for awhile? restart it. worked for me. Later---

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You will survive, it takes days or weeks, even months, but you'll survive.
Go to gym as much as you can, if it makes you feel better. Be alone couple of days (helped with me). Talk with your friends.

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yeah this just takes time. it might feel like the end of the world and like a whole world of pain but it will get better. after a while, weeks or even days sometimes, you get better and then you wont even blink when you see her and she'll be just another girl in the crowd. try and be with some friends, family or just a very happy crowd at a sports match or something.

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o and i completely forgot. the whole "feel better now but when back to normal life feeling shitty is back" is also normal. it is unfortunately something that we cant run away from. you should just tough it out.

it is also a bit of weakness. if you are really sure about your decision that you dont want her back then this is where you might fall or fail. when you feel like that its when you might be weak enough to call her. it is prob best if you can go somewhere where you wont have contact with her for a week or so. that way you are forced through the pain and that is that. but if you cant then you have no choice but to be strong.

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I'm trying so hard not to contact her. Right now we are friends. But right now,
I'm just remembering the past and how good it was, how much she loved me at that
time, but her complicated ass, gets crazy and starts thinking so so deeply when
she is alone, and has free time, which she has a lot of during the summer. I realize
that only time will heal this pain. I feel so shitty. I hate relationships, well at
least the break up part of it. Thanks guys for the support. I talked about this with
my friends and that definitely made me feel better.

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Hey guys, thanks a lot for the support. I talked to her yesterday, and actually I feel
a lot better after the talk we had. We decided to be close friends, while she does some soul
searching of her self. God bless you guys.

Edited by firstPerson: n/a

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Hi

Let me start by saying that this is none of my business so if you even think that I am wrong then do not follow my advice. I could be dead wrong.

Anyway here goes. being close friends with an ex while she does some "soul searching" is a bad idea. men might be confused about what and who they love but not women. they know if they love and if they do they pursue that love with a passion. especially if they already have some kind of relationship with the object of their love. in adition it takes a lot of negativity (abuse, neglect, being cheated upon etc) for a woman to go against her love. often they obey that love when it is clearly bad for them. so her "soul searching" kind of sounds out of place. especially since you said in the previous posts that she has been acting up for some time now.

the most important part of this situation is the following: this is not about her. this is about you. what do you want. not what does she want. its not even about what is best for the two of you. it is about what do you want. take some time and decide what you want. take all the time that you need. (all week if you must. from the movie ratatoille). go away for a weekend if you have to. go visit your uncle or someone. then away from it all take all your time and decide what you want. if you want this girl back then make sure that you are a priority to her. find out if you are a priority or just the handy stand by option. it is best to find out even before you go away to think and decide. but dont let her know that you have decided to decide. just talk to her to find out. it will be very difficult. even impossible since women are very good at hiding the truth. but try. if you are not a priority to her then forget about it. let her go. bear the pain of the broken heart. you will survive.

if you do not want her back then also let her go.

now let me get back to that priority thing. some women are very good at drawing a guy into a situation where he is basically the safety net or the back up plan in case she cant get what she considers the primary.

in addition. let me make something so clear to you that you cannot possibly have any misunderstanding about it. what a woman says is not what a woman means. do you understand that? should i repeat it? what a woman says is not what she means. now are we clear on that? ask your mother, sister, etc. I dont know if they would tell you the truth though because as i have just said: "What a woman says is not what she means.". Best would be to ask a real close female friend of yours. one who you are very very sure has not the slightest bit of interest in you. there you might get a real answer.

now that we have the "what women say is not what they mean" and "safety net talk" clear let me tell you what i think.

from where i sit it seems to me that she now has the best of both worlds. the one world in which she can make and break as she pleases because she no longer has to be considerate about her boyfriend. and the other world where she has all the security and benefits of a relationship because you are there for her.

my best advice to you is this: let her go. cut her out of your life like a cancer. when you destroy the branches make sure that you also destroy the root and if you start with the root then make sure that you also destroy all of the braches. find yourself another girl and make that girl a priority over this girl. if you really need a female friend then find someone else to be that female friend. just dont rebound on this new female friend. cause this female friend wont appreciate it one bit.

in fact now that i consider the rebound effect it is prob best if you spend some time on your own and not to go to after any girl at least for now.

dont be rude to her or give the cold shoulder or anything. but unless she has some value as a friend (loyalty; you two do some fun things together like hiking etc) forget about the friendship thing. talk to her if you run into her but no more than you would to your baby sister or someone.

of course i could be totally wrong here. you know her better than what i do. maybe she realy needs some soul searching (even though it makes no sense to me). or maybe i am totally misguided here. maybe some other daniwebber should say something just to stop me if i am leading you down the wrong path. especially if that other daniwebber is a woman.

anyway be strong. i speak from experience when i say that there is nothing more cruel and painful than a woman who has decided to rip out your liver. i also know that there are few things more valuable than the campanionship of a woman that loves you. they tend to make great sacrifices for those they truly love. so if things dont work out then go on. be brave and dont ever lose your faith in women. not all of them are cruel. or let me rather say it this way. not all of them will treat you with cruelty.

cheers

Votes + Comments
i am iamthwee and i agree with this post
Very valuable advice. Thank you
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Ok here goes. Thanks a lot for the care and interest Unbidden Ghost. I really
appreciate you taking the time to help a young one.

I'm gonna get straight to the point. She is actually doing some soul searching. So at
the beginning when I meet her, she didn't do anything "fun" as one would say. She was
very strict with herself. She didn't go out. She didn't smoke weed. She didn't drink.
So as we started going out. I got her to loosen up a little more. She always told me
she finds me very attractive, although I get sick of that. So as time went on, she
I got her to drink a little, we went out to clubs or parties, and she even wanted to
see how it feels to get high. So towards the end of this relationship, she really
let herself go. She is a really smart person( 4.0 GPA, major CompSci ), and even
worse, she is a deep deep thinker. She thinks about herself a lot. How much she
as gone away. So how much she has drifted her self. So thats why she wanted to do
some soul searching. She needs to find herself again. I totally respect that decision.

I know I don't love her. Even though she told me she loved me, which is very
confusing. So I don't think I'm gonna chase for her. I'll let her do what she does.
What she said, and I agreed to, is that if we cross path in the future, then we cross
paths.

And as for being friends, she is one of the most trustworthy and nice friends that
anyone could ask for. She is one of those handfuls of friends that one meets in their
lifetime. So I do not think I'm gonna let her go completely.

I do not think I am the safety net, I never even had a thought about that. She is
not that kind of person.

And thanks for this "what women say is not what they mean". I am going to ask a friend about this. Actually I am going to ask a couple of friends. I suspect that
this statement is wrong, well at least with the friends(girl) that I have. But only
one way to find out.


So in all, thanks a lot for your advice. I really appreciate it.

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well if you explain the girl in the way that you are explaining her right now then i suspect that i was wrong and you are right. but that is only because you are describing the girl in this way.

even more i think that she does need to do some soul searching. she prob does love you but now has to decide what is more important. her love for you or her need to be true to herself. she prob realized at one point that she is no longer what she was or thought she should be. remember what i said in the previous post of women needing a lot of negativity before turning against her own heart?

you must remember that i was speaking of women in general. i had no idea that we are talking of this kind of girl. if you had explained it like this from the word go my very advice would have been different. i would have asked you how serious you are about her. your very first post kind of gave me the impression that she is the problem. but i think the problem is you leading her to where she does not want to be.

you are very lucky. your very first girl was the type of girl that the rest of us spend a lifetime searching for. the rest of us normally have to walk a tough and painful path. maybe that is why i gave you such cynical advice. i assumed that she was what one comes across normally.

if she is that type of friend then friendship is prob good. in fact such friends are extremely rare in life. regardless of whether or not they are male or female. them you should hold onto.

anyway i am just saying yeah it does sound as if she is in fact sincere.

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Forget it. She was like the girl I explained. Now she is just another slut. She just
told me what happened during our break. She kissed 1 guy, slept with another, got
drunk, and smoked weed. You dont know how mad I am. I feel like beating the shit out of someone and slapping her slutty, ass in the face so hard. Unbidden, now I see what you
mean, in your 1st post. I can't believe this happened. I'mm beat the shit out of someone.

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hon, (and i dont mean anything by the introduction here) it is just that your situation has hit my heart.
I see so very much of this in my (whispers*) 42 years of life. it is just sad

my mom gave me very good advice when I was younger, but much like everyone else I didnt follow it until later (much later and after much pain)

the advice she gave for me was this:
if you love someone there is NEVER a time to leave them (not even for a moment) whether it be for "soul searching", hard times..different times or any other time!

the relationship should be as deep as the one with your natural family. You do not run out on your family because you need to find yourself..or because you dont like what your brother/sister is doing..or even if your having ruff times..those are the times you stick together! those are the times when you work through it TOGETHER..that is what the foundation of friendships are built off of..and without the foundation, you have no building.

sweetie i can only tell you this, I know it hurts..and it is so very upsetting to be lied to, used and tossed aside..ESPECIALLY by someone that you trust so very much with, it is almost too painful and upsetting for words! tis something you will never forget.

fortunetly though, with all of this hurt and anger..you WILL for sure get over it and one day carry on to something better, so much stronger than you are now. (small conselation i know)

the important thing here to always remember, and I am sure I do not have to tell you what it is, but I will anywayz..if your partner tells you I need space, I need time...we need time...we should seperate for a small period of time, yadda yadda yadda..that is without a doubt the beginning of the end. it is a "polite Dear John" letter. I dont care if it is male or female that is saying this..it all ends the same.

Live by this rule and in the future, it will come to be a help:
I love you, and we can work this out if we give it a chance and an effort..but if you walk out that door and walk away from me..then there is no chance for anything, because no matter how much I love you..I will not let you back in. it is not because I dont want to, it is just because I know that our relationship, the trust we have built will never be the same..and that would just not be fair to you or me.

if you make that a golden etched in stone rule in your endevour, it will serve you well.

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. it is not that even know you, because I dont..LOL..but it is because all of our lives we watched the 70 year old couple happily walking hand in hand and have always known that this life is out there...why not for me..

and each time a relationship goes sour, it adds more and more doubt that this life actually exists

anyways, best thing to do is go to the gym..punch the livin hell outta anything punchable..go have a few drinks...get into a bar room brawl...come home drunk and wake up with a hang over LOL..get it off your chest and move on, to dwell and go in and out of this is a really bad idea.

hope you will be okay soon..

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okay, well maybe the punching and drinking and fighting part of my post was not good advice, but what I am trying to say is this...
you really need to understand that you have to get past this otherwise what will happen is that someday, the right one will come along..and you will be tooo bitter too see it as genuine. you will miss the boat because of harboured anger, and the one that is right for you will also suffer because of this.

believe it or not, there are people left in this world that still have good morals..that still believe in other people. if your so angry when the right comes around to see the realism behind them, then you lose.

hon..no matter where you go, there you are.
there is no such thing as having to run off to find yourself..LOL..go buy a mirror!!
you can find yourself sitting right there at the kitchen table, never leaving the couch so to speak.

it makes no sense, to leave the friend and the trust that you have..to go out into the world by yourself to try to find whatever it is your looking for.

in my opinion this whole "I gotta find myself" senerio is bogus. for several reasons, some of which I have already talked about..but the one thing that really makes no sense to me in all of this "soul searching adventure" is that usually what happens is your "partner" says this and then takes off only to hang around with "friends"..it leaves the other person feeling like "what makes your friends any better than me" "how is this helping you to get to the problem"..to me, this is just a classic way of saying " I am not happy with you, and I gotta go" LOL..which should be just said instead of " I gotta find myself and I gotta get away from you to do it"

maybe you should thank her.
I mean really..if you did that, she would not even know how to even take that!
thank you for saving me YEARS of work, anger, frustration..thank you for showing me early on..before I got tooo deep with you, that you are not the one for me. you did me a favor. Now I can go out and look for someone that will take the smallest bit of trust I give out and build it to something so tight and astronmical. so thank you.
So many people I have seen spend 20 years trying to make something..only to have it rot through at the worst of times..you saved me 20 years of anguish!! thank ya!

the other thing to this is that if you were to really do this, in the long run..when it is all said and done...when she sees what she had and doesnt have now, when the reality hits of what was lost..and how one person after another just doesnt cut it..she will remember the good times with you, she will remember how your relationship was growing..and she will remember how you had enough class to cut her loose..and thank her on the way out! she will want that back. by doing this you are cutting deep. she wont see it, she will only see what she had and can no longer get back.

you can always replace a body..get younger model/older model..yadda yadda yadda..but you can never replace the person..

she will find this out..

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I'm gonna get straight to the point. She is actually doing some soul searching.

Chuckle, chuckle, har har. How old is this kid? 18-25 tops? And she's doing some soul searching... What like decrypting the Rosetta stone or helping the thousands of kids that go hungry in Africa?

So at the beginning when I meet her, she didn't do anything "fun" as one would say. She was very strict with herself. She didn't go out. She didn't smoke weed. She didn't drink.

No... This is how YOU perceived her to be.

What a girl says... isn't actually what she means. We'll revisit this later.

So as we started going out. I got her to loosen up a little more. She always told me
she finds me very attractive, although I get sick of that. So as time went on, she
I got her to drink a little, we went out to clubs or parties, and she even wanted to
see how it feels to get high. So towards the end of this relationship, she really
let herself go.

And she actually LOVED this side of you. This is what she was wanting ALL along. The fact that you did this sooo carefully because you were worried about corrupting her innocence is what drove you two apart.

If you treated her no differently, and pulled her out of her comfort zone without a care in the world you would still be at each other's face, tongue down her throat.

Why the hell do guys have this idealistic innocent version of girls? Sorry kid... this reality just doesn't exist. The bad guy, stirs up so many emotions than the boring guy who treats his girl like a princess. Better stir up any emotion than NONE at all.

And as for being friends, she is one of the most trustworthy and nice friends that anyone could ask for. She is one of those handfuls of friends that one meets in their
lifetime. So I do not think I'm gonna let her go completely.

Spare me the BS. Pass me the sick bucket.

And thanks for this "what women say is not what they mean". I am going to ask a friend about this. Actually I am going to ask a couple of friends. I suspect that
this statement is wrong, well at least with the friends(girl) that I have. But only
one way to find out.

YES... Now we're getting somewhere. Forget what girls say. They live in their own deluded worlds that are mostly dictated to them by their friends or what they read in cosmo. The fact of the matter is they are easily lead. I could probably convince a girl to stand on her head in the kitchen for two hours if I wanted to... Sad but true.

Instead, look at how they behave.

If she says she doesn't smoke or do drugs but looks at you with a cheeky smile... Hell she's up for the crack. You just have to provide the means to make this a reality.

Point in fact. "Actions speak louder than words."

Forget it. She was like the girl I explained. Now she is just another slut. She just
told me what happened during our break. She kissed 1 guy, slept with another, got
drunk, and smoked weed.

And you are surprised?? Look she's just a normal hormonal girl... She was just looking for someone to lead and dominate her. She was totally up for that guy being you but wait...

When she dropped you in the friend's zone how did you react? Did you accept her chick BS excuse and say... 'Yes pppwease don't put me through this emotional roller coaster... My itty bitty heart can't take it anymore. I'm sorry you need to do some soul searching I don't mind being just friends.'

Don't you see? This does NOTHING for her. All it does is gives her the emotional orgasm she craves and she goes off and get rattled by some jerk.

Instead:-

Her: You know, I'm really sorry I think we should just be friends. I need to do some soul searching.
You: Ha ha. Girl you're too funny. Look how cute you get when you get all serious. Soul searching pfft. Look I'm going gym I'll call you later cos we're going out.

Then you walk off, and call her later. If she doesn't want to go out. That's cool. You call her again at a later time with something fun to do. The point is you DON'T react and prove to her you are the ROCK in this relationship and SHE is the one on the emotional roller coaster.

I GUARANTEE you this is what the other guy who laid her did.

You dont know how mad I am. I feel like beating the shit out of someone and slapping her slutty, ass in the face so hard. Unbidden, now I see what you
mean, in your 1st post. I can't believe this happened. I'mm beat the shit out of someone.

Young man, it's OK to feel this way. You say she was your first, so you've got much to learn. It's OK. Go to mirror and pull down your pants. Yes... those are balls you have. Now start using them.

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ahahaha your post is so funny. Actually, this relationship is too too complicated
to even write down, so I'd rather not write down and just forget about it. Now she's
trying to get back with me,and I'm just telling her that there is no way you and me
could ever be together again.But i'm thinking about friends with benifits. We'll see
what happens.

And by the way, no girl really gets to accepts this one, most girls i dated, and just
brushed of my shoulders, but there was something about this one. But its history
now, and now I'm over her. Thanks for the late reply, nevertheless, the reply.

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Get an instrument and be the next John Darnielle.
Get a large mug of coffee and some smokes, and just lie out in a field.
Get a fast bike and ride off, as far as you can.
Go on a 'trip'.
Write her name in blood, on your chest, email it, and see what ensues.

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Now she's trying to get back with me

Cool...Because she still wants to suck your cock-er-spaniel.

The point is, YOU decide where you want to take this.

If you want to cut her off... do it. But don't cut her off and act like a scorned little bitch who can't forgot how badly she's treated you.

Firstly, she broke up with you BEFORE she spread her legs. Technically, that's not cheating. Technically, she hasn't done anything wrong. But from society's point of view she'll feel like a little slut. That's why she has come running back to you. You boyfriend, her girlfriend. This is what makes sense in her little eco-system.

All you have to do to turn this to your advantage is to make sure she KNOWS she's fuked up. You're not going to be her comfort blanket who's gonna settle for sloppy seconds... (I think you already have this under wraps.) You do this by going out, having fun and seeing other girls.

Then you hook up with her again at some point, just as friends of course. Watch a movie, throw a blanket over the both of you... You know the rest.

Whatever you choose, it's your decision. That's the point kids, empower yourselves.

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Get an instrument and be the next John Darnielle.
Get a large mug of coffee and some smokes, and just lie out in a field.
Get a fast bike and ride off, as far as you can.
Go on a 'trip'.
Write her name in blood, on your chest, email it, and see what ensues

lol, I don't know how ur past relationships went, but I got a little hunch that
those advice wont go so well as planned.


>>The point is, YOU decide where you want to take this

Yes, I know.

>>Firstly, she broke up with you BEFORE she spread her legs
lol, your posts are amusing. I guess its true.

>>But from society's point of view she'll feel like a little slut
We'll i haven't told the society and she hasn't told the society, so i'm not sure how
the society knows about our relationship. Nevertheless, she does feel like a slut,
and I told her that it made her look like one as well, among other nasty comments.

>>All you have to do to turn this to your advantage is to make sure she KNOWS she's fuked up. You're not going to be her comfort blanket who's gonna settle for sloppy seconds... (I think you already have this under wraps.) You do this by going out, having fun and seeing other girls

Lol, thats what i'm doing, i'm going to the club with my friends, and having fun.

>>Then you hook up with her again at some point, just as friends of course. Watch a movie, throw a blanket over the both of you... You know the rest

Lol i have a feeling thats whats gonna happen. We got like 4 classes together next
semester, and I know i'm going to ask her for help in those classes because she is
mega smart. So I have a feeling that i am going to be seeing her a little bit more
during the next semester, but the thing is, its hard to have benefits without getting
some emotion involved. Any advice on that?

>>Whatever you choose, it's your decision. That's the point kids, empower yourselves

Point taken, thanks.

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