0

Don't Marry a Computer Engineer

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband : Syntax Error. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found . . .
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do someshopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters . . .
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband : It's by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband : File in use . . . Try later.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband : Unknown Virus.

I lol'ed at this one. Haha! :D

3

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. . .

Dad: "Son, where were you today?"

Son: "At school, dad."

(Robot slaps son.)

Son: "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!"

Dad: "What DVD?"

Son: "Toy Story."

(Robot slaps son again.)

Son: (Shamefacedly)"OK, it was a porno."

Dad: "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

(Robot slaps dad.)

Mom: (laughing)"He's certainly your son!"

(Robot slaps mom.)

0

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. . .

Dad: "Son, where were you today?"

Son: "At school, dad."

(Robot slaps son.)

Son: "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!"

Dad: "What DVD?"

Son: "Toy Story."

(Robot slaps son again.)

Son: (Shamefacedly)"OK, it was a porno."

Dad: "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

(Robot slaps dad.)

Mom: (laughing)"He's certainly your son!"

(Robot slaps mom.)

LOL! :D

-2

Alright, as a math student, I only have math jokes but if you know any mathematicians or have ever sat in a math lecture, I think you'll appreciate this one.

---

In a graduate level math course, the professor is at the beginning of a very complicated proof. He writes three or four lines at the beginning and then turns to the class and says, "And as you can see, from here on, it's obvious. See you all next week."

The students get up to leave but one student who was sitting in the front row continues to stare at the board as the other students filter out through the door. Sheepishly, the student goes up to the professor and says, "I'm sorry professor, but I don't quite see how the proof is finished from there -- could you explain..?"

"Of course," says the professor. He goes back to the board and continues to write - and write, and write. He fills up all of the blackboards, erases the first one again, and finally comes to an end after twenty minutes. He turns to look at the student who has been staring intently at the board the whole time.

"Oh," the student says. "That WAS obvious!"

2

You'd have read this earlier. But for those who missed these...

Answers of a School student. :?:

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

:D :icon_rolleyes:
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

0

Once a man who didn't know English went to his friend for help. His friend said, "From now on say Yes to everything". The man agreed and went to the market.

Dress Seller: Do you want a dress?
Man: Yes
He bought a set.

Ice Cream Seller: Do you want Ice cream?
Man: Yes
He bought an ice cream.

The man went to a boxing arena where a boxer was practising.
Boxer: Do you want to be knocked out?
Man: Yes
The Boxer punched him hard on his face. The man went back to his friend and complained. The friend said "From now on say No to everything". The man agreed and went again.

Dress Seller: Do you want a dress?
Man: No

Ice Cream Seller: Do you want Ice cream?
Man: No

The man went again to the boxer. The boxer was planning to go home after a long day.
Boxer: Why are you here? Don't you remember yesterday's punch?
Man: No

Boxer punched him again. The man went back in tears and he refused to listen to his friend. The friend said "Ok last try. You say Good, Thank You to everyone and leave it." The man hesitated but agreed to try one last time.

Dress Seller: Do you want a dress?
Man: Good, Thank You.
He gets a dress.

Ice Cream Seller: Do you want Ice cream?
Man: Good, Thank You.
He eats an ice cream.

Finally he goes to the boxer. The boxer is sitting with his head in his hands.
Boxer: [crying] I'm so finished. My career is ruined.
Man: Good-
Boxer gets angry and punches him.
Man: -Thank You.

0

Here's an evil trick to play on kids:

You: Hey, kid! Say "Knock, knock".
Kid: Okay. Knock, knock!
You: Who's there?

Watch the reaction! Priceless!

0

A young boy was lost in a mall. He ran over to a police officer “I’ve
lost my dad!” he said. ‘What’s he like?’ the cop asked. ‘Baseball and beer’

Edited by Sam367: n/a

0

ok i need someone to answer this
what is the plural of rice?

So do you say "Rice" is singular?
I hope "Rice" is plural ;) :P

0

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

0

Farmer ordered a Milking Machine.

Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm, but can't remove it. So he reads the manual and faints...

It says "Auto Release After 2 Galloons"

0

At first, as all websites, Facebook had an 'enemies' button, just as the 'friends' button, but soon after the grand opening of the website, it's core was failing due to the fact that no1 could put Chuck Norris on their enemy list, not even on a virtually list.:D

0

A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars

0

On a rainy mansoon day Chuck Norris went to field to play cricket.

Rain stopped due to play!!

0

Dual Heart Attack

Some one received 2 SMS from his Girlfriend.

SMS 1 : Let's break up now, It's all over. Good bye.
*after a minute*
SMS 2 : Sorry dear, that was not for you.

2

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to hell.

Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and see

How everybody is doing there." She called and talked for about 5 minutes,

Then she asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Five million dollars".

The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

------------------------

Thief was so jealous! She starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the my group

Members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil

How much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Ten million dollars".

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

---------------------

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call my IT friends too",

He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various

Technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he

Asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "No Need to pay".

Programmer is stunned & says "Why ??"

---------------------

Devil says "Calling hell to hell is Free!!! "

0

Well, you almost lost me there, whether the politician and the thief were both women, both men, of both both... heh:D, but nice joke...
Here's another 1:
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door...:P

Edited by Lucaci Andrew: n/a

-1

Saw this yesterday..

While editing a video, we put in an Elton John song as a placeholder for the music.

Client (upon realizing that the music bed was Elton): Did we really get Elton John to record a song for our video?

Me: It depends. Was your video budget recently bumped up to 5 million dollars?

Client: No.

Me: Then, no.

3

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone in the weeks that followed, Chinese scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the Chinese papers read: "Chinese scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese."

One week later, the Greek newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 800 meters, Greek scientists have found absolutely nothing."

They have concluded that 3000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.

0

There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

1

I just got a robo-phonecall from Barbara Bush telling me that Mitt Romney's wife would make a fine First Lady.

Edited by vegaseat: a

0

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now! :ooh: :?:

0

Very Scary:

You are walking a scary forest at night at 12 o'clock.
Wind is blowing, making scary noises.

On the branch, of tree in front of you is deadbody, one eye out.
You are walking nearby tree suddenly the body fell on you

now Calculate the force with which body fell on you?
Also calculate kinetic energy, when body is at height 6ft 4inch from ground
(take g=9.8m/s, mass= 66kg)

0

Teacher: Whoever answers the next question correctly can go home.

Suddenly a boy throws his school bag.

Teacher: Who threw the bag?

Student: Me...............Now I'm going.........yippeeeeeee

0

A Ant sits on an Elephant & he died.

how this can be possible???????

Physics Student:

Assume that elephant's name is Ant & Ant's name is Elephant

Physics can prove anything..

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