Tickle Your Funny Bone

[jingda]

You can post any humour or jokes in this thread.I will start first. You have to post the theme first followed by the joke. Let's played this as a reward basis, if you think any humour is funny and tickle your funny bone vote it up. Have fun

Theme: Church Humour

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighbourhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbours were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic. They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, " You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighbourhod was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighbourhood men could not believed their noses! What was going on? They called each other and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, " You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[jingda]

Theme: Simply humourous

Little Johnny was sitting in a food court looking at the photos of his classmates when it slipped from his hands and landed under the sari of an Indian lady who was seating next to him

In all innocence, the boy went to the lady," Auntie," he said naively, " Would you lift up your sari?"

" Don't talk nonsense," the lady shouted, " why must i life up my sari?"

" To take photo."

[jingda]

This one is funny

Theme: Funeral

A story was told of a businessman who visited a florist shop to order flowers for a friend who was opening a new business in a new location. The floral shop owner was unusually busy on that day and she was busily filling orders from other customers as well, while she took the businessman's order and information

Later that day, the man arrived at his friend's grand opening at the new location. But he was horrified to see a big floral wreath with his name printed below, that said, " With deepest sympathy during this time of sorrow."

In her busyness, the florist had sent the wrong wreath which was meant for a funeral.

The businessman was fuming mad. He called the florist to explain and asked" What kind of service is this? Do you know you sent the wrong wreath? Do you have any idea how folish you made me look?"

" I'm terribly sorry," the florist said apologetically," I was so busy with so many other orders when you came by that day that i got the orders mixed up. You see, what happened was that your order of a wreath to congraluate your friend for the opening a new business in a new location, was mixed up with a wreath that was meant for the funeral. But your situation wasn't nearly as bad as it was at the funeral home where i sent your actual wreath to. That card which was sent by mistake to the funeral wake said, " Best Wishes in Your New Location."

[jingda]

Food humour

Little Bobby loves to say grace at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: " Thanks you, God for this gracious food. Amen. "

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them be good. The parents were thrilled that he was praying from the heart.

But after the ' Amen ', he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. " I should have said a longer prayer," he said, " My food is still too hot."

If anyone have any funny humour, you can also post it here

[jingda]

Theme: Monastery

A man was driving down the road when his car broke down near a monastery. he went to the monastery, knocked on the door, and said, " My car broke down. Do you think i could stay for the night ?"

The monks graciously accepted him, fed him dinner, and even fixed his car. AS the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound. The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said," We can't tell you. You are not a monk."

The man was dissapointed but thanked them anyway and went about his merry way.

One month later, the same man was driving and his car broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks accepted him, fed him dinner and fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard one month earlier. The next morning, he asked them about the noise but the monks replied," We can't tell you. You are not a monk."

The man said, " Please tell me. I am dying to know. If the only way i can find out what the sound was is to become a monk, i am willing. but how do i become a monk?"

The monks replied, " You must read through the entire Bible 10 times; memorise 500 verses from the scriptures; work in an orphanage to serve the children for one year and spend another year in a poor country to feed the poor. When you have done all that, then you will become a monk."

The man went about his tasks. Three years later he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery.

He said," It has been tough but i have carried out all the 4 requirements that you have told me about."

The monks replied," Congratualtions. you are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks led the man to a wooden door where the head monk said, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said," May I have the key."

The man asked the key to the stone door.

The monks gave him the key and he opened it to only find a dorr made of ruby.

He asked for another key from the monks who provided it. Behind that door was another door made of sapphire. So it goes on and on. Until the man had went through doors made of emarald, silver, topaz and diamond.

Finally the monks said this is the last key to the last door.

The man was relieved. He unlocked the door and turned the knob and behind the door was amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But i can't tell you what that sound is because you're not a monk

[jingda]

Theme : History

The following weer answers provivded by a 12 year old school children in a history test.

- Ancient Egypt wa inhabited by mummies. They lived in the Sarah ( Sahara ) Dessert ( Desert ). The climate of the Sarah ( Sahara ) is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

- The greeks were hightly sculptured ( cultured ) people, and without them we would not have history. The greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

- In the Olympic Games, Greek ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits ( discus ) and threw Java ( javelin ).

- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak ( stake ) and was canonised by Bernard Shaw

[Portgas D. Ace]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor??

"Where's my tractor!"

[abelLazm]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[bumsfeld]

Theme: Power of the Office

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 12, 1999) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks Federal Judge T. Grinch to "hereby order Mr. Clause to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Governor Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he calls the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nuthin'."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure NOW," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave this weekend.

"We need red suits and sleighs, not lawsuits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by the news of the pending legal action against him.

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."

[sneekula]

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."