Your favorite clean joke - Page 2

[WolfPack]

An Indian was sitting with a Pakistani and an American in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police
entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but
they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.

But, as it was their National Holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be
released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing
for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's
birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before
your whipping."

So the American guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a
thick pillow to my back."
This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through.

The Pakistani guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on
my back".
But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went
through again.

Before the Indian fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him
and said: "As you are from a very poor and small country, and your
cricket team is terrible:cheesy:, you can have two wishes!".

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replies.
"My first wish is: " I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his
face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answered.

[goldeagle2005]

God, that has got to be one of the most hilarious jokes I have heard in a long time. LOL

[WolfPack]

God, that has got to be one of the most hilarious jokes I have heard in a long time. LOL

Heh. The fact that you Indian must have helped. :mrgreen:

[goldeagle2005]

well, just a wee bit. ha. No, it was a good one, really.

[Zenham]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink 'Bob'?"

[goldeagle2005]

Did you hear about the guy who died making crossword puzzles for a living?

He was buried 6 down and 3 across!!!

[sail_knot]

A man his wife thier child and a dog are at a talent agency for auditions.
The man takes his wife in his arms and begins to dance with her. The child is grabbed by the dog and they begin to dance also.
The wife grabs the dog and child and spins them around as the husband lays on the floor and apparently has a convulsion.
The dog looks at the man with a grin and decides to join him.
The child is so interested that he grabs his mothers waist and they collapse to the floor on top of the man and dog.
The dog gets all excited and wags his tail.
The woman and child do the same.
The man is now rolling under the dog, his child and his wife in a complete hysteria of languid joy.
/C: <edit for content>
They all stand up and bow.
The Talent Agent looks on in amazement and asks them,"Ok its original, what do you call it?"
They answer in harmony,
The Aristocrats!

[pritaeas]

I was speeding down the highway when I suddenly see a police car behind me, so I speed up. After a while, unable to get rid of him I pull over. When he's beside the car he says: "Well, I've stopped a hell of a lot of speeding drivers today and I am about to go home. Give me a very good excuse, and I'll let you go." "Well", I say, "My wife left me recently for a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back!."

[WolfPack]

Question : Why do they call it PMS?
Answer : Because Madcow is already taken.

[Chaky]

Bill Gates sits in his boat and fishes. And pulls one fish after another from the water, keeping big ones and releasing small ones.
Accidently he caught a gold fish (one that fulfills three wishes) and released it back in to the water without giving it a second tought. The fish, suprised, asks him: "What about three wishes?"
Bill Gates looks at it and replies :"OK, OK. What will it be?"

[UrbanKhoja]

there was a policeman walking down the highstreet - two guys catch his attention, the first guys is chewing batterys the 2nd guys is bitting fireworks, he decideds to arrest them both and bring them down the station - he charges the first guy and lets the second off!!! LOL

did you ever hear about the guy who was arrested for walking through a marquee - he was charged with `walking with-in tent` haha LOL

[UrbanKhoja]

there was a diver, he goes on holiday abroad for some interestong dive spots, so he goes to the dive shop, gets out the old credit card and gets the best gear in there, and goes diving, after a while he spots another man, also diving, but in trunks, and he was beating him down, so he thought to himself `im have the best there is - i cant let him beat me` so he speeds up, but the guy in trunks still beats him, so he asks the guy - how did you do that?, he replys, do what?, dive so fast?, im not diving - im drowning!!! lol

[sofaq]

In a worldwide survey UN asked a question:

:?: "Would you please give your Honest opinion about solution to the Food Shortage in the rest of the world?":!:

:sad: Drastically the survey failed because :

:idea: Africans don't know the meaning of 'Food'.
:idea: Indians don't know the meaning of 'Honest'.(Except meeeeeeee....:cheesy: )
:idea: Europeans don't know the meaning of 'Shortage'.
:idea: Chinese don't know the importance of 'opinion'.
:idea: People of central-east(?) countries don't know what is 'Solution'.
:idea: South American people don't know what is 'Please'.
& lastly....
:idea: Americans don't know what is 'Rest of the world'.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

:cheesy: :cheesy: I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.All the names & statements used in this joke are just fictitious.So, don't take it seriously,& let's make this thread a place to laugh:cry: :cry:

Maybe a ficticious story, but you make a very true point

[Piper!]

What do you get when you mix a Sheep with a kangaroo?

Wooly jumper :rolleyes:

[Piper!]

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

[The Geeky Kid]

well, as i posted earlier, search google for failure, pretty cool first result?

[WolfPack]

A novice lion tamer was being interviewed. “I understand your father was also a lion tamer,” the reporter queried.
“Yes, he was,” the man replied.
“Do you actually put your head in the lion’s mouth?”
“I did it only once,” said the lion tamer, “to look for Dad.”

A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and shot a record number of ducks, aided by a dog named Salesman. The following year he returned and asked the lodge’s owner for Salesman again. “That hound isn’t good anymore,” said the dog owner.
“What happened? Was he injured?”
“No. Some fool came down here and called him ‘Sales Manager’ all week. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark.”

After lecturing her six-year son on the golden rule, the mother concluded, “Always remember that we are here in this world to help others.”
The youngster thought this over for a minute and then asked. “What are the others here for?”

[John A]

Are you a comedian or something? Awesome jokes!

[WolfPack]

Heh. Wish I was. No I was just doing a random search in google when I stumbled upon these.

Killed on service:
------------------
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Twin Confusion:
---------------
A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Microsoft Windows 98's secret:
------------------------------
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows 98 on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows 98 CD, and to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746 F2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20 616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

Who said it:
------------
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"

[kickoff3pm]

Chap goes into a bank and pulls out a knife.

He walks up to the casher then bends down and cuts of the bottom of his pants.

Hands them over to the casher and says -

There's a turn up for the books

[FireSBurnsmuP]

(I never remember the good ones)

Why did the cactus cross the road?

'Cause he was stuck to the chicken.

[WolfPack]

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over on Christmas Eve day and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in the Province Christmas Safety Competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I goin get a driver’s license," he answered.
"Oh, don’t listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger’s seat . . . "He’s a smart ass when he drunk."
This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car, we gon spen Christmas in jale."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it ‘crass di barder yet?"
The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver and said: "I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand a word of it. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."

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A Guyanese man is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam — when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Guyanese ignores the Trinidadian who, nevertheless starts a conversation.
Trini: "You Guyanese folks eat the whole bread?"
Guyanese: (in a bad mood): "Stupid, of course."
Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) " We don’t. In Trinidad, we only eat what’s inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Guyana.
The Trini has a smirk on his face, and the Guyanese man listens in silence.
Trini: " Do you eat jelly with the bread?
Guyanese: " Of course we do."
Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don’t in Trinidad, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jelly and sell the jam to Guyana."
Guyanese: "Ayo use condoms in Trinidad?"
Trini: "Why of course we do" (with a big smirk).
Guyanese: "And wha ayo a do wid de condoms aftuh?"
Trini: "We throw them away of course."
Guyanese: " Abe na do da. In Guyana we put dem in a containa, melt dem down into chewing gum and sell them to ayo Trini people . . . nice talkin wid u."

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An elderly Floridian called 9/11 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says, "she got in the back-seat by mistake."

[mesamb1]

did you here the one about the dyslexic who walked into the bra?

[UrbanKhoja]

well, as i posted earlier, search google for failure, pretty cool first result?

thank you soooo much :cheesy: , that made my day :lol:

[UrbanKhoja]

one of my friends tripped and fell over his hoover earlier today, was quite serious so i just rung the hospital to see how he's doing, they said he's `picking up nicely` - :lol:

[crunchie]

s car go = escargot = snail in French.