Jokes - Page 5

[vegaseat]

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

[vegaseat]

The famous scientists of the past were meeting in a corner of heaven to play
hide and seek. Albert Einstein turned his back to the lot and started counting
down from 100. Heaven is kind of flat with little to hide behind, so most of
the scientist ran like crazy to find a place to hide.

Newton however took a crayon and drew a square on the heavenly floor 1 meter
in size, then stepped inside the square. Albert finally managed to count all
the way down to zero and turned around.

"Newton is out!" he yelled.

"I am not out!" said Newton.

"Why not?"

"I am standing on a square meter and everyone knows that one Newton per
square meter is a Pascal, so Pascal is out!"

[ddanbe]

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her
85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel for Thanksgiving.
When she checked out next morning,
the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge
was so high. It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly
aren't worth $450 for just an overnight stay!
I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450 is the 'standard rate,'
so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk
clerk, informed the woman:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained
the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen
one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from the world over
performing here," manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager
replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned,
she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, with the manager unmoved,
she decided to pay; she wrote a check and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is for only $50."
"That's correct. I charged you $400 for sleeping with me,"
she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens!

[Reverend Jim]

A 70 year old woman is walking through the park one day with no one in sight when she hears a voice saying "You will live to be 100". She says, "who is this?". The voice replies, "This is God. You will live to be 100."

Well, since she is going to live another 30 years she decides that she wants to look her best so she gets a face lift, hair implants, liposuction and her teeth capped. After weeks of recuperation she decides to go for a walk to strut her stuff but while crossing the street she is hit by a car. As she is lying in the street dying she says, "God, you said I'd live to be 100. Why did you have the car hit me?"

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

Slightly offensive joke but told in jest.

A man walks into a bar and orders a jack daniels looking glum.

Bar tender: What's wrong?
Man: I just found out my oldest son is gay.

Two days later man walks into the bar and orders a double jack daniels.

Bar tender: What's wrong now.
Man: I just found out my youngest son is gay.

Three days later man walks into the bar and asks for a whole bottle of jack daniels.

Bar tender: Jesus Christ does no-one in your family like pussy?
Man: (sigh) Yeah my wife!

[vegaseat]

Ditto, slightly offensive joke but told in jest...
Q (Husband): "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A (Wife): "You wear briefs, don't you?".

[vegaseat]

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

[vegaseat]

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

[Reverend Jim]

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Good judgment is what you get from experience and experience is what you get from bad judgment.

[vegaseat]

Canadian: Almost like an American, but without the gun.

[Reverend Jim]

And the attitude.

[RikTelner]

Guys, this topic turned to "Unusual Facts" topic. Where are the jokes?

[vegaseat]

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

[almostbob]

Guys, this topic turned to "Unusual Facts" topic. Where are the jokes?

Look in the mirror

[vegaseat]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks, if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The young man leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

[vegaseat]

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

[vegaseat]

Newspaper Headlines:

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.

[Reverend Jim]

The problem with git jokes is everyone has their own version.

[vegaseat]

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

[XP78USER]

LIITLE JOHNNY JOKES MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE

Little April wasn't the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class
One day the teacher call on her while she was napping. "Tell me April who created the universe?
When April didn't stir Little Johnny a boy seated behind her took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

GOD ALMIGHTY! SHOUTED April and the teacher said "very good" then April fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our lord and Saviour? But April didn't stir from her slumber.
Once Again Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

JESUS CHRIST!!! Shouted April and the teacher said "very good" and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked her a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after having her 23rd child?

And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT ****** THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL BREAK IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ***

[XP78USER]

How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has please turn over written on both sides

[woooee]

What do 2 porcupines say when kissing? Ouch, ow, ow.

[ddanbe]

How do two porcipines make love?
Very carefully!

[ddanbe]

A well-dressed man from the city is hunting in the wild. He aims and shoots a duck, that falls on the property of a farm. The farmer in question does not issue the duck, but also the urban dweller does not give in, so the farmer proposes to arrange an old fashioned tradition called a hikstamp "I stamp you as hard as I can in your crotch, then you do same with me. Whoever screams the least gets the duck. "The townsman agrees, so the farmer gives him a huge stamp between his balls. For twenty minutes the cityman is writhing in agony on the ground. Then he scrambles up and gasps "My turn now." "Nah," the farmer says as he turns around. "You may keep that duck."

[vegaseat]

A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing
bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus with his
pockets bulging with golf balls next to a little old
lady.

The little old lady kept looking at his bulging pockets.
Finally, he said, "It's golf balls."

She quickly replied, "Does it hurt as bad as tennis
elbow?"

[Xantipius]

Some russians let out three piglets on an US school territory. They painted on them #1 #2 #4.
The school guard catched them very quickly, but they seeked for #3 for a week.

[XP78USER]

hahhahahahahahhahaha!

[ShouldAt3]

Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

[Reverend Jim]

Would it be possible for us to limit ourselves to posting jokes that do not make fun of the imagined stupidity of particular groups?

In the same vein - I recently returned from my first trip to New York. While there, I attended a comedy club which featured an emcee and four comedians. The emceee felt it necessary to frequently pepper his banter with f-bombs. Too bad because his humour would not have been diminished by their absence. The first comedian was the best of the bunch. I noticed that he did not have to resort to baser subjects or profanity to have the audience rocking with laughter. The second and third comedians, however, seemed unable to talk about anything other than blow jobs and pussy. They, to the credit of the audience, did not get much of a response. I'm sure they felt that their humour was "edgy". Edgy, perhaps. Humour? Certainly not. The last comedian took up the first half of his act talking about the aforementioned two subjects, however, he tried to justify it by pointing out that such talk is generally "inappropriate". That's the comedy equivalent of pointing out that your friend is both fat and stupid, but then following it with "just sayin'".

I think we can aspire to better.

[XP78USER]

Son: It's cold in here!
Father: Go stand in the corner
Son: Why?
Father: The corner is 90 degrees