One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his new computer and asked him what word would you like to use as your password.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word she entered in the password.
She then almosted died laughing at the computers response.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!
When NASA started sending astronauts into space they were confronted by a small problem.
None of their ballpoint pens worked in space.
They spent a decade and 12 million dollars designing a pen that would work below -300 degrees in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.
Sorry but this is a modern myth. Russian cosmonauts use pens. The floating bits of graphite and pencil shavings would be extremely hazardous in a weighless environemt packed with sensitive equipment, not to mention lungs.
A US Marine, a British soldier and a French Legionnaire are
captured by cannibals. They put up a grand fight, but there
were just too many and they were overwhelmed.
The cannibal chief says that they will be eaten, and their skins
used to cover the tribe's canoes, but since they had proven
themselves to be truly awesome fighting men, as a sign of
respect they would be allowed to kill themselves, rather than
the usual practice of being tortured to death.
The three were presented with a selection of implements with
which to do themselves in.
The French Legionnaire selected a knife, shouted, "Viva la
France!" and cut his own throat.
The British soldier chose a pistol, shouted, "God save the
Queen!" and shot himself in the head.
The US Marine picked up a big fork, and started stabbing
himself in the chest while shouting, "FUGG your canoe!!"
A programmer gets on a train to go to New York. There is a farmer in his green overalls next to him. To pass the time, the programmer decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first."
The farmer thinks for a while.
"Okay, what has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?"
The programmer is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the programmer takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the programmer.
An old lady came across a magic lamp one day and the genie told her he
would grant her three wishes. She wished for youth, which she recieved,
and she wished for fortune, which was also granted, but she couldn't
think of a third wish.
One day, as she was relaxing by her pool, she saw her dog playing in the
yard and she thought of her third wish. She told the genie, "My dog,
Fido, has always been so good and faithful. I wish for him to be a
young, handsome man for me to marry."
There was a puff of smoke and a young, handsome man stood before her.
The genie then vanished.
The woman couldn't believe her eyes. "Fido is that you," she said in a
"Yes, it's me," said the man, "and aren't you sorry you had me fixed."
Unix is like sex. Until you have had it, you are not sure what all the fuss is about. After you have had it, you wonder how you ever lived without it.
Edit: I think I have used this somewhere before. Oh, yeah, my signature.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card, "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and call the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake
and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm
really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers
with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Teacher: "Kids what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! now what does the fat cow give you?"