A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're
actually being screwed.

What did the mathmetician say when he finished his christmas dinner?
root-1/root 64 (I over 8)

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

I changed my password to INCORRECT so when I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is INCORRECT"

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his new computer and asked him what word would you like to use as your password.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word she entered in the password.
She then almosted died laughing at the computers response.
PASSWORD REJECTED
NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Swim a tortile, on her panzer a she-snake.
The tortile thinks: drop her down - she'll bite me.
The snake thinks: bite her - she'll drop me down/

So is the woman friendship.

I bought some second hand shoes from a drug dealer
I dunno what he laced them with
But
I've been tripping all day

A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking,
prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, "I'm sorry, but you
have only 12 hours to live".

Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her
husband and states, "I want to spend this whole evening having wild
and crazy sex."

To which her husband exclaims, "That's easy for you to say. You don't
have to get up in the morning!"

When NASA started sending astronauts into space they were confronted by a small problem.
None of their ballpoint pens worked in space.
They spent a decade and 12 million dollars designing a pen that would work below -300 degrees in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.

Sorry but this is a modern myth. Russian cosmonauts use pens. The floating bits of graphite and pencil shavings would be extremely hazardous in a weighless environemt packed with sensitive equipment, not to mention lungs.

No joke ...
I still have my "0 Gravity" Spacetec pen made by Fisher (Bolder City Nevada).

A US Marine, a British soldier and a French Legionnaire are
captured by cannibals. They put up a grand fight, but there
were just too many and they were overwhelmed.

The cannibal chief says that they will be eaten, and their skins
used to cover the tribe's canoes, but since they had proven
themselves to be truly awesome fighting men, as a sign of
respect they would be allowed to kill themselves, rather than
the usual practice of being tortured to death.

The three were presented with a selection of implements with
which to do themselves in.

The French Legionnaire selected a knife, shouted, "Viva la
France!" and cut his own throat.

The British soldier chose a pistol, shouted, "God save the
Queen!" and shot himself in the head.

The US Marine picked up a big fork, and started stabbing
himself in the chest while shouting, "FUGG your canoe!!"

Some country song titles I like to see:

"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"

"I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2"

"I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well"

"I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"

"I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On
My Back In My Bed As I Cry Over You"

"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him"

"She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger"

"You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"

"Mama Get A Hammer There's A Fly On Papa's Head"

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

"Good girls are bad girls that never get caught."

"Laugh at your problems, everybody else does."

"You cause happiness whenever you go."

"Jesus loves you, but he is the only one."

After a three-year long study, the National Science Foundation announced
the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.

  1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is
    BASKETBALL.
  2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
  3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
  4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
  5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
  6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
the balls you play with.

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the
first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on
the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm
sure your wife will get over it soon enough."

The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true, but I can't get
over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

A programmer gets on a train to go to New York. There is a farmer in his green overalls next to him. To pass the time, the programmer decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first."

The farmer thinks for a while.

"Okay, what has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?"

The programmer is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the programmer takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the programmer.

"I don't know either."

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

An old lady came across a magic lamp one day and the genie told her he
would grant her three wishes. She wished for youth, which she recieved,
and she wished for fortune, which was also granted, but she couldn't
think of a third wish.
One day, as she was relaxing by her pool, she saw her dog playing in the
yard and she thought of her third wish. She told the genie, "My dog,
Fido, has always been so good and faithful. I wish for him to be a
young, handsome man for me to marry."
There was a puff of smoke and a young, handsome man stood before her.
The genie then vanished.
The woman couldn't believe her eyes. "Fido is that you," she said in a
soft voice."
"Yes, it's me," said the man, "and aren't you sorry you had me fixed."

commented: You made me fell off my chair +0

The pickup line with a 100% success rate

hey, Does this smell like chloroform to you ?

Unix is like sex. Until you have had it, you are not sure what all the fuss is about. After you have had it, you wonder how you ever lived without it.
Edit: I think I have used this somewhere before. Oh, yeah, my signature.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card, "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and call the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake
and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm
really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers
with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
location.'

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

commented: lol +0

Teacher: "Kids what does the chicken give you?"
Student: Meat!
Teacher: "Very good now what does the pig give you?"
Student: Bacon!
Teacher: "Great! now what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: Homework!

commented: I actually told that one to my teacher, she laughed +0

Programmers while coding:
"It doesn't work... Why?"
..
"It works... Why?"

Algorithm
noun
Word used by programmers when they do not want to explain what they did.

A programmer is told to "go to hell", he finds the worst part of that statement is the "go to"