Jokes

To understand recursion.
You must first understand recursion.

If colleges really want to prepare high school students for today’s job market then they should only accept students who have “at least 2-3 years college experience.”

"Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"

A bed is just a place you put your body when you aren't using it.

Your dog doesn’t know you can make mistakes. So when you trip over him in the dark, he thinks you got up just to kick him in the head.

My resolutions for the year 2016:
I will stop smoking.
I will stop drinking.
I will stop sexing.
And I whish I could stop telling lies.

Police Control at 2 o'clock at night

An elderly man was stopped at 2 AM by police and asked where he is going this time of the night.

He replies, " I 'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse , smoking and staying up late , and the effect that it has on the human body. "

The policeman asks further : "Really? Now who would give such a reading at this time of the night ? "

The man replies, " My wife . "

just loving it

I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

Why did the corn call the police?

Because it was being stalked.

Sorry if this was too corny for you.

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.
His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you."
And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice.
The voice says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there's baseball in heaven.
The bad news You're pitching on Wednesday."

A Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

four religious truths:
1. - Muslims do not recognize other religions.
2. - Jews do not recognize Christ.
3. - Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
4. - Mormon's do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course.
Mac putted out and walked back to the cart.
As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to to his playing partner’s bare rear end, was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.
The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: “What was the bet?”

My wife says she thinks we should sleep in separate beds.
I've chosen Karen, at number 23

At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.

Men wrote : 'I love sex.'

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.
"Go!" she screamed.
"Please can we just talk about it first?"
"Go on, I'm listening."
I sat down and began, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

what is the difference between a hippo and a zippo
one is very heavy
the other is a little lighter

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

A priest is sitting with his monseignur chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the priest said.
“When did you use this awful language?” the monseignur asks.
Answered the priest: “Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee.”
“Is that when you cursed?”
“No, monseignur,” says the priest. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the monseignur.
“Well, no,” says the priest. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed elder priest.
“No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked monseignur, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two priests were silent for a moment.
Then monseignur sighed and said, “You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn’t you?”

An 80 year old man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "I just had sex with twin 25 year old women.".

The priest says, "I don't think you are from my congregation. Are you Catholic?"

The man says, "No. I'm Jewish".

The priest says, "then why are you telling me?"

The man replies, "I'm telling everybody."

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks,

"Will I be acquitted?"

I couldn't find that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots so I asked the kids if they had seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday!!.

I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam idiots on eBay'.
That was 3 months ago, and it's still not arrived yet!...