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A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

0

Had come across this one last week:--

The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

0

This is'nt a joke but an amazing story..... one of my friends forwarded to me

An unbelievable twist of fate!!!! At
the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic
Science, AAFS
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994....... the medical examiner viewed
the body of Ronald
Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound
to the head. Mr.
Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building
intending to commit
suicide..
----
He left a note to the effect indicating his
despondency. As he fell past
the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither
the shooter nor the
deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers
and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned
-----
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets
out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the
mechanism might not be
what he intended, is still defined as committing
suicide." That Mr. Opus
was shot on the way to certain death, but probably
would not have been
successful because of the safety net, caused the
medical examiner to feel
that he had a homicide on his hands.
-------
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast
emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were
arguing vigorously, and
he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so
upset that when he
pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and
the pellets went
through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one
intends to kill subject "
A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty
of the murder of
subject "B."
-------
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man
and his wife were both
adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun
was not
loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit
to threaten his wife
with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to
murder her. Therefore
the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident;
that is, assuming the
gun had been accidentally loaded.
----
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who
saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior
to the fatal
accident..
----
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would
shoot his mother.
----
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was
guilty of the murder
even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The
case now becomes one
of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.
-------
Now comes the exquisite twist... Further investigation
revealed that the
son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become
increasingly despondent over
the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's
murder. This led him
to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only
to be killed by a
shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
-------
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.
So the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press, (Reported by Kurt
Westervelt)

1

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed as an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed the button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed.

A short time later the walls opened up again and a beautiful much younger woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son and said, "Quick go and get your mother."

Votes + Comments
haha, nice one
0

Scared Straight...For Math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

0

As many of you know, the Ivory bar-soap floats on water, but the floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told them how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

1

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly jumped up and called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help! Help him!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed very hard. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

Votes + Comments
Haha :-D
0

An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint.

1

BC

Nice comic strip, I am still smiling!

Carlos got a letter from the IRS (US tax collectors). Apparently he owed them another $800. So he sent them this letter back, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

Votes + Comments
:D
0

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the highly uncomfortable seats in coach, and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her highly uncomfortable seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

1

How many blonde football players does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift the dang cow up and down.

0

An rich old man was on his death bed. He wanted to take some of his money with him, so he called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $100,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die, so I can take all that money with me to heaven"

At the funeral, each of the men put an envelope into the coffin. Later, riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $80,000 into the envelope because I needed $20,000 for a new alter."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $30,000 in the envelope because we needed a new diagnostic machine at the hospital which cost $70,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $100,000."

0

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to p*ss in the boat!"

0

Crazy Japanese WII Manual :)
LINK HERE

I am sorry, I don't actually see the 'Japanese' part of the humor; what I see is a stupid white guy who can't understand symbolic languages. Would you please explain the 'Crazy Japanese' part?

0

I am sorry, I don't actually see the 'Japanese' part of the humor; what I see is a stupid white guy who can't understand symbolic languages. Would you please explain the 'Crazy Japanese' part?

Gee pal, whats your problem?? Its not the "Japanese" thats funny, its whats on the page..

0

A man went into the fitting room of a local clothing store, after a while he yelled rather loudly, "There is no paper in here!"

0

Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night, nobody will b there.............
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there

0

Q: "What's the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?"
A: "A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside."

0

I wasn't sure where to put this but I was thinking of JW and I am pretty sure he might get apoplectic when he sees this - that would be funny.

0

i got a mail today at office. Found it funny. Wanted to share it with you guys. :)


Frustrated Exam Answers:

See the limits in proton.jpg!!! ultimate… :D

These are nice arjunsasidharan

0

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

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