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News of the Weird (gawd, I love life in Seattle):
"Heyyyy, Like 'Arf-Arf,' Man": Nestor Waddell had to rush his 11-year-old Labrador mix, Jack, to the vet in May when he started acting strange during a walk, which had taken him into some bushes. The vet concluded that Jack had discovered and devoured some dry, harvested marijuana. According to Waddell, "(Jack's) eyes were kind of glossed over. ... When he was trying to walk, he was looking at his paw, and then looking at the ground and then trying to get his paw to reach the ground, but was unsuccessful." [KING-TV (Seattle), 6-10-09]

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Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?

(Source : iGoogle)

1

THIS IS LIKE THE 4 MILLIONTH TIME AN IDIOT USED THAT SAME QUOTE

It was not funny 40 years ago and it is not funny now

Do not blame your inanity on google

Votes + Comments
Agreeeeeeeed
2

Now yes I'm sure there are jokes for "Wintards" etc, but thought these were funny. Not all Mac users are Mactards, so is in no way aimed at the common user :)

Cleaned these up from original site, but you'll get the gist ;)

1) An Apple computer user who takes any opportunity to advertise to the world they are 'better' than everyone else because they use a mac, even if this statement has nothing to do with the current conversation.
User 1> Does anyone know why my P4 is having heat issues when I use (program)?
Mactard> HaHa Use a mac!! My mac is better than you're PC anyday! I am so cool because i have an iPod!
User 1> Anyone else? Anyone who isn't a mactard?

2)A computer user with 3 fingers and a thumb stuck up their butt, and therefore only needing one button on the mouse.
Frank: "I can't cope with all these buttons on yer mouse"
Steve: "well pull the rest of yer fingers out 'yer butt you MACTARD"

3)A mac user who has no understanding of computer hardware, engineering or what makes computers fast, and thinks their mac is the best computer ever because it has a finely polished GUI.
mactard:My mac is soo fast because it uses all of its resources to render the shadows on my window buttons.
Listener: Wow. You are mactard.

4)Mac users who think they are better than people who use PCs, and think they know everything about Macs, but in reality don't know much about anything and just like feeling superior to others.

Windows User in Mac Lab: "Dude, this is so annoying, every time I touch the sides of the mouse it keeps spreading all of my windows out."
Mac User: "Oh, here you can turn that off in System Preferences. Let me show you."
Mactard: "HAHA! The PC has made you dumb. Expose is the best thing to grace this planet, you just don't know how to use it cause you're dumb!"
Windows User and Mac User together: "STFU ALREADY DUDE."

5)A computer user who has forgotten (or is ignorant of) the true purpose of the computers existence. A mactard is oblivious to the fact that the computer is a tool for doing legitimate work but is enamoured by how cool his MAC looks.

mactard to windows user:"hey dude check this out, I have 60,000 pictures in this folder and iMistakenIdentity has identified my face in 20,000 of them. Check this out....oh, that's my brothers naked butt....wait check this one out....oops that's not me either - how did that get in there. Hang on I'll find a picture that has me in it.
windows user to mactard:So where are you at with the sales report for the CEO?
mactard to windows user:I haven't started my PC yet. Hey come check out this new song by lil-weeny.

6)Someone who could be classified as retarded, yet still possesses enough knowledge to make others believe he is capable of difficult tasks, thus creating suffering from his ineptitude.

Typically encountered in the workplace, MacTards can be dangerous and unpredictable. Unlike someone who is merely retarded and familiar with their limitations, MacTards have great confidence in their ability.

Nick: “We both just got fired for letting Pete put the books away?"
Dave: "How?"
Nick: “Somehow while putting them on the shelves he ended up lighting our office on fire.”
Dave: “I told you not to leave those matches and oily rags down there around that MacTard.”

Votes + Comments
^.^cool
Wicked sick dude.
0

Q: "Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?"
A: "Because you have a short stop between second and third."

1

Q: Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

A: Because B shells were to small and D shells to big.

(Ok, this works better when spoken.)

Votes + Comments
^.^
0

Got it... did have to read out-loud though :)


Q: Why does Steve Jobs pay top-dollar to have all his turtle-necks custom made??

A: Because his head is not only too big for the off-the-rack models, but due to the massive deviations required by the tailor's templates, they charge for the inconvenience :)

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well how about these.. :cool:


Cigarette:
A Pinch Of Tobacco Rolled In Paper With Fire At One End & A Fool At The Other.

Love Affairs:
Something Like Cricket Where One-Day
Internationals Are More Popular Than A Five Day Test.

Marriage:
It's An Agreement In Which A Man Loses His Bachelor Degree
And A Woman Gains Her Master...

Divorce:
Future Tense Of Marriage...

Lecture:
An Art Of Transferring Information From The Notes Of The Lecturer
To The Notes Of The Students Without Passing Through "The Minds Of Either".

Conference:
The Confusion Of One Man Multiplied By The Number Present...

Compromise:
The Art Of Dividing A Cake In Such A Way That Everybody Believes He Got The Biggest Piece.

Tears:
The Hydraulic Force By Which Masculine Will-Power Is Defeated By Feminine Water-Power.

Dictionary:
A Place Where Divorce Comes Before Marriage and Success Before Work...

Conference Room:
A Place Where Everybody Talks, Nobody Listens & Everybody Disagrees Later On.

Ecstasy:
A Feeling When You Feel You Are Going To Feel A Feeling You Have Never Felt Before.

Classic:
A Book Which People Praise, But Do Not Read.

Smile:
A Curve That Can Set A Lot Of Things Straight.

Office:
A Place Where You Can Relax After Your Strenuous Home Life.

Yawn:
The Only Time Some Married Men Ever Get To Open Their Mouth.

Etc.:
A Sign To Make Others Believe That You Know More Than You Actually Do.

Committee:
Individuals Who Can Do Nothing Individually And Sit To Decide That Nothing Can Be Done Together.

Experience :
The Name Men Give To Their Mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An Invention To End All Inventions.

Philosopher:
A Fool Who Torments Himself During Life, To Be Spoken Of When Dead.

Diplomat:
A Person Who Tells You To Go To Hell In Such A Way That You Actually Look Forward To The Trip.

Opportunist:
A Person Who Starts Taking Bath If He Accidentally Falls Into A River.

Optimist:
A Person Who While Falling From Eiffel Tower Says In Midway "See I Am Not Injured Yet."

Pessimist:
A Person Who Says That O Is The Last Letter In ZERO, Instead Of The First Letter In Word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser:
A Person Who Lives Poor So That He Can Die Rich.

Father:
A Banker Provided By Nature.

Criminal:
A Guy No Different From The Rest... Except That He Got Caught.

Boss:
Someone Who Is Early When You Are Late And Late When You Are Early.

Politician:
One Who Shakes Your Hand Before Elections And Your Confidence After.

Doctor:
A Person Who Kills Your Ills By Pills, And Kills You With His Bills.

This one is funny!LOL!

0

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

0

Q. "What did the Mexican firefighter name his son?"
A. "Hose A."

And that young boy was always so happy to go to a ball game in the USA, because everyone was so concerned that he got a good seat. They all sang to him at the beginning, "Jose, can you see?"

0

I've been catching up on this thread and I am only on page 34, but haven't seen this one yet and thought you might enjoy it. It's supposedly from an actual support conversation with Word Perfect years ago, which is when I ran into it too--man I feel old--LOL. Here it is:

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

CSE: What sort of trouble?

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer: Nothing.

CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer: How do I tell?

CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer: What's a monitor?

CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer: I don't know.

CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer: Yes, I think so.

CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

CSE: Dark?

Customer: There's a power outage.

CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.


I tell you I laugh every time I read that last line... Hope you enjoyed it too...

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I thought this was pretty funny...

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Opps, what kind of man he is!!!

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Before marriage:
She : Hi
He : Oh, I've been waiting this ...
She : You want me to go ?
He : no, Not at all
She : do you love me ?
He : of course, big time
She : you picked the wrong woman ??
He : no, why do you say that ?
She : you wanna kiss me ?
He : every time I see you !!
She : you wanna slap me ??
He : are you crazy ? never
She : can I trust you ?
He : yes
She : My love
...
after marriage
Read the same text upwards ...

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I Think You are married , hehehehehe
---------------------------------------------------

"
Wife : Beggars are frauds!

Husband : Why?

Wife : I gave 2 $ to a blind beggar and he said god bless you beautiful lady. How he know I am beautiful!?

Husband : Sure he is BLIND!

"

Edited by Vineeth K: n/a

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" Come Like A Horse !
Sit Like A King !
Go Like A Winner ! "

Sorry !! Actually this was written in a Public Toilet !!!

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Boss:
Someone Who Is Early When You Are Late And Late When You Are Early.

Exactly!!

Why is always the case???

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What is the height of fashion ??

- One year old child asking his mother for a low waist diaper !!

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" Husband lost his Checkbook ! ;
Wife : ' Be careful , anyone can put your sign .. '
Husband :' I am not fool , i have already signed all pages !!! ' "

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Opportunist:
A Person Who Starts Taking Bath If He Accidentally Falls Into A River.

Or we can call him a optimipist!

0

Marriage:
It's An Agreement In Which A Man Loses His Bachelor Degree
And A Woman Gains Her Master...


LOL!HAHHA :D

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