2

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues again. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, that begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $200,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash, tax free too. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere half million!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Votes + Comments
:D tad funny
0

Q. "How did the programmer die in the shower?"
A. " The programmer read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat."

Edited by sneekula: n/a

1

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus walked through a very posh hotel lobby. There, in front of them, was a $100 Dollar bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

!tsixe t'nod owt rehto eht ,esruoc fo atnaS

1

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus walked through a very posh hotel lobby. There, in front of them, was a $100 Dollar bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

!tsixe t'nod owt rehto eht ,esruoc fo atnaS

!eno taht no hgual em ekam did uoy tub ,krow em edam uoy ,KO

0

Compute likelihood quantum-mechanical gravitational tunneling from Earth to Jupiter
Check whether I am safe, or need to gain weight.

0

well how about these.. :cool:


Cigarette:
A Pinch Of Tobacco Rolled In Paper With Fire At One End & A Fool At The Other.

Love Affairs:
Something Like Cricket Where One-Day
Internationals Are More Popular Than A Five Day Test.

Marriage:
It's An Agreement In Which A Man Loses His Bachelor Degree
And A Woman Gains Her Master...

Divorce:
Future Tense Of Marriage...

Lecture:
An Art Of Transferring Information From The Notes Of The Lecturer
To The Notes Of The Students Without Passing Through "The Minds Of Either".

Conference:
The Confusion Of One Man Multiplied By The Number Present...

Compromise:
The Art Of Dividing A Cake In Such A Way That Everybody Believes He Got The Biggest Piece.

Tears:
The Hydraulic Force By Which Masculine Will-Power Is Defeated By Feminine Water-Power.

Dictionary:
A Place Where Divorce Comes Before Marriage and Success Before Work...

Conference Room:
A Place Where Everybody Talks, Nobody Listens & Everybody Disagrees Later On.

Ecstasy:
A Feeling When You Feel You Are Going To Feel A Feeling You Have Never Felt Before.

Classic:
A Book Which People Praise, But Do Not Read.

Smile:
A Curve That Can Set A Lot Of Things Straight.

Office:
A Place Where You Can Relax After Your Strenuous Home Life.

Yawn:
The Only Time Some Married Men Ever Get To Open Their Mouth.

Etc.:
A Sign To Make Others Believe That You Know More Than You Actually Do.

Committee:
Individuals Who Can Do Nothing Individually And Sit To Decide That Nothing Can Be Done Together.

Experience :
The Name Men Give To Their Mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An Invention To End All Inventions.

Philosopher:
A Fool Who Torments Himself During Life, To Be Spoken Of When Dead.

Diplomat:
A Person Who Tells You To Go To Hell In Such A Way That You Actually Look Forward To The Trip.

Opportunist:
A Person Who Starts Taking Bath If He Accidentally Falls Into A River.

Optimist:
A Person Who While Falling From Eiffel Tower Says In Midway "See I Am Not Injured Yet."

Pessimist:
A Person Who Says That O Is The Last Letter In ZERO, Instead Of The First Letter In Word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser:
A Person Who Lives Poor So That He Can Die Rich.

Father:
A Banker Provided By Nature.

Criminal:
A Guy No Different From The Rest... Except That He Got Caught.

Boss:
Someone Who Is Early When You Are Late And Late When You Are Early.

Politician:
One Who Shakes Your Hand Before Elections And Your Confidence After.

Doctor:
A Person Who Kills Your Ills By Pills, And Kills You With His Bills.

I like it! Thanks!

1

BART: Creationism says that cavemen never existed.

HOMER: Good riddance! Their drawings suck and they look like hippies!

0

BART: Creationism says that cavemen never existed.

HOMER: Good riddance! Their drawings suck and they look like hippies!

0

From The Onion:

Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

"I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I am already standing on grass."

Moreover, the Sumerians were taken aback by the creation of the same animals and herb-yielding seeds that they had been domesticating and cultivating for hundreds of generations.

Edited by GrimJack: n/a

0

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People"

1

Due to the bad state of the economy Exxon-Mobile has just laid off another 25 Congressmen.

0

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People"

I remember a t-shirt with a blurred, make-up caked look that read "I ran into Tammy Fay at the mall"

2

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howeU r89nvyowmc63Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

1

Barman says' Sorry we don't serve strings here'
string goes outside
bends himself
twists
loops
pulls himself through the hole
then shakes his head till all kids of fibres come loose
goes back in the bar
"I'll have a beer"
barman said "Didn't I tell you we dont serve string here?"

string said -"I'm a frayed knot"

1

Bill Gates was riding a small private airplane in a remote region, along with some economists and a wilderness hiker. The hiker marveled that the world's smartest man was riding in the same plane.

All of a sudden, the pilot and copilot ran from the cockpit, grabbed two parachutes from the rack, and jumped out of the plane. Inspection showed the left engine was on fire, and that there were five people left on the plane, and four remaining parachutes.

They were discussing how to decide who got the parachutes, when Bill gates said, "The world needs my genius. He grabbed a pack and jumped out of the plane.

The hiker said, "I'm the least valuable, so the rest of you can go."

One of the economists then said, "That's not necessary. We have enough parachutes now. The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing your knapsack."

0

Bill Gates was riding a small private airplane in a remote region, along with some economists and a wilderness hiker. The hiker marveled that the world's smartest man was riding in the same plane.

All of a sudden, the pilot and copilot ran from the cockpit, grabbed two parachutes from the rack, and jumped out of the plane. Inspection showed the left engine was on fire, and that there were five people left on the plane, and four remaining parachutes.

They were discussing how to decide who got the parachutes, when Bill gates said, "The world needs my genius. He grabbed a pack and jumped out of the plane.

The hiker said, "I'm the least valuable, so the rest of you can go."

One of the economists then said, "That's not necessary. We have enough parachutes now. The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing your knapsack."

Oh darn, another one of those rather frequent DaniWeb double posts. sorry!

Edited by Ene Uran: double post

0

So, picture this man, on his stomach, each hand and leg hand-cuffed to the for posts of the bed, on his back is a woman in leather, spiked heels, cat-o-nine-tails flailing while she jumps up and down on him - and he says

"so this is love!"

0

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two men were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

0

Hospital regulations required a wheel chair for patients being discharged. A student nurse found one elderly man already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly allowed the young nurse to wheel him to the elevator. On the way down the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Edited by vegaseat: n/a

0

Three old men are walking in the park and here is their conversation:
"Windy, isn't it?"
"No, it's Thursday!"
"So am I. Let's go get a beer!"

0

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility

To forget the people

I never liked anyway.

The good fortune

To run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight

To tell the difference.

Edited by GrimJack: n/a

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