1

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Don't know, but it might have something to do with a play called "Springtime for Hitler" :icon_mrgreen:

0

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property,
the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry
alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is
what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool,
swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire.
My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and the CEO starts walking away. Suddenly, he hears a loud splash,
turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the
alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out
just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my
life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO,
panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"

0

Ken Stein heard a mouse in his bedroom one night. So he went out and bought a mouse trap. As he was pushing the trap under his bed in the evening, he realized that there was no cheese in the fridge.

He cut a picture of cheese out of an old magazine and put it into the trap. It worked! The next morning there was a picture of a mouse in the trap.

0

Saturday morning Bob got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
He cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 7 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

0

Give a man a fish, and you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him fishing equipment for the rest of his life.

0

Give a man a fish, and you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him fishing equipment for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit out in a boat drinking beer all weekend.

0

(Digging way back in my joke file)

Mrs. Richardson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant.

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Richardson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.

0

A frisky male lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The elephant simply stomps on the lion and then rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer doesn't mean you have to get so upset about it!"

Edited by vegaseat: n/a

2

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .


It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

0

Things to try:
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

1

Before Tom Cruise, Chuck Norris was approached by makers of "Mission Impossible". But he found the movie title insulting.

0

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

0

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

0

A Person Who Kills Your Ills By Pills, And Kills You With His Bills.hahahahah

I heard that one before, but thanks for bringing it back to my attention again :)

4

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.
She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''
The doctor said ''$300''
She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''
He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''

6

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

Votes + Comments
Burn to Bill Gates...
0

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

Making fun on others using a suggestive mature theme; not a good joke Michael...

2

The lady gets into the taxi and asks to be taken to the Airport, and so the driver pulls out slowly into the traffic. It was an extremely smooth drive, but he seems to be taking his time. She gently taps the driver's shoulder and asks how long the journey will be.

As soon as her hand touches his shoulder, the surprised driver quickly looks at her hand and lets out a deafening roaring scream. The taxi veers off the road onto the pavement, he struggles to control the taxi, just misses a street light, and stops just before it hits some outdoor tables and chairs of a Cafe.

The driver looks back at the woman and shouts angrily, "Don't you ever... ever do that again!" He now realises the woman is shocked and upset. Trying to compose himself, after a minute or so he says to her, "I'm sorry, I should not have reacted like that... It's just that this is my first day as a taxi driver... in my last job I drove a Hearse."

0

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

0

Making fun on others using a suggestive mature theme; not a good joke Michael...

I will try not to do that again ;)

0

There is no try. Do. Or do not. - Yoda

I don't see the joke in the quote, rather than yoda saying it in his own voice with his "awesome" grammar.

0

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

Nice joke, but naughty!

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