We need to laugh... - Page 8

[brighty88]

Windows RG Edition

lmao

[jamello]

That was very very very good!

A black man walk in a cafe early in the morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"When I was born I was black,"

"When I grew up I was black,"

"When I'm sick I'm black,"

"When I go in the sun I'm black,"

"When, I'm cold I'm black"

"When I die I'll be black."

"But you sir..."

"When you're born you're pink,"

"When you're sick, you're green,"

"When you go in the sun you turn red,"

"When you're cold you turn blue,"

"And when you die you turn purple."

"And you have the nerve to call me coloured"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

[Ene Uran]

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.

[EnderX]

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.

What's so difficult to understand? You've got to bury them in the style to which they've become accustomed, don't you?

[brighty88]

What's so difficult to understand? You've got to bury them in the style to which they've become accustomed, don't you?

lol true

[vegaseat]

Just a couple of Rodney Dangerfield's famous lines:

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

[sneekula]

A few nice sayings from George Carlin:

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

[Ene Uran]

Some funny stuff from Henny Youngman (may he rest in peace):

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

[dirt14]

I heard it before, at that time, laugh a lot, but now...

[MidiMagic]

A man was given special dispensation to take a bar of gold with him into heaven.

When he got to the gate, Saint Peter saw the gold, and said, "Ah! There's the pavement I ordered. We have a pothole down the street."

[sneekula]

I heard it before, at that time, laugh a lot, but now...

I dislike folks that tell me that they heard this or that joke before! Laugh with all the others and be quiet!

If you don't have anything nice to say, then it had better be funny.

[sneekula]

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

[zelkea]

DEAR DAD:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his

bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw and

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands

and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope

with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and

you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact t hat she is much older

than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods

and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of

having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people

that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better.

She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of

myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a

report card

That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[vegaseat]

Notes from the World Toilet Association meeting:
"It is regrettable that the matter of defecation is not given as much attention as food or housing," Sim Jae-duck, the association's South Korean head, told the meeting at its recently opened lavatory-shaped headquarters south of Seoul.

[ZZucker]

Notes from the World Toilet Association meeting:
"It is regrettable that the matter of defecation is not given as much attention as food or housing," Sim Jae-duck, the association's South Korean head, told the meeting at its recently opened lavatory-shaped headquarters south of Seoul.

Funny, but this has to be a fake news report!

A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card, "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and so call the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake
and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm
really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers
with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
location.'

[Lardmeister]

Posted in the window of a secondhand shop:

We exchange everything - bicycles, washing machies, toys, tools etc. Why not bring your wife along and pick up a wonderful bargain.

[Dave Sinkula]

http://www.thedonovan.com/archives/2008/02/fifty_years_of.html

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful old-growth hardwood forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
Remember, there are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's okay.

6. Teaching Math In 2007

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

h/t Instapundit

[sneekula]

Dave, which part are we supposed to laugh about?

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of all the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished the first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

She was very disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, tried to console her and said, "Don't worry. Some day your prints will come."

[EnderX]

Dave, which part are we supposed to laugh about?

My guess would be all of it at once. Although I think this one was my favorite line...
"Your assignment: Underline the number 20."

[Ene Uran]

...
Although I think this one was my favorite line...
"Your assignment: Underline the number 20."

They sure knew how to teach math in the 1980s.

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.”

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”

“Really?”

“Yes sir. They’ are called darts.”

[vegaseat]

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

[ZZucker]

Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
A: Because not many mice know how to dance.

[ZZucker]

Eleven tons of human hair was stolen from a wig factory in Skokie this morning.
Police are combing the area.

[vegaseat]

Q: How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, if they're small enough to fit inside.

Option 2 ...
Q: How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, that's a hardware problem.

[sneekula]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

[Lardmeister]

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

[racecar]

"14. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him."

And what do you CALL a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter; he isn't going to come anyway.

[ZZucker]

I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my bedroom and was in bed before the room was dark.
--- Muhammad Ali

[vegaseat]

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

After a couple of minutes of silence, the teacher said, "It sort of sounds like what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny dog!" called out Eddie.

[Dave Sinkula]

Juvenile male humor: http://minx.cc/?post=255511
Don't forget to read the comments.