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Juvenile male humor: http://minx.cc/?post=255511
Don't forget to read the comments.

Pretty sick stuff! I wonder where the humor is buried in this?

Now back to the topic at hand:

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."

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A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''

So the Rabbi said ''Okay, then I will perform the circumcision!'' He takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

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Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.

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The worst joke I can think of (which I made up myself):
Q. What's green and has a talk show in the garden?
A. Okra Winfrey!!! *snort*
...I crack myself up sometimes...but don't worry, this is not one of those times.

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Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.

Teacher: Jimmy, if you had seven dollars, and seven friends, and you gave two of your friends a dollar each and nothing to the others, what would you have left?

Jimmy: Two friends.

[Yes, it's derivative.]

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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed, “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

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"Please be quiet," the libarian said to a somewhat noisy fellow in the library, "the people around you can't read."
"They can't?" said the fellow. "Then what are they doing in the library?"

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A man decided to join in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?'" he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

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Stole that from someone's signature.

Q: Why is it easy for a mosquito to become a lawyer?
A: He is already a bloodsucking parasite. All he needs is a briefcase!

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Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints (also called the gripe sheet) as submitted by Quantas pilots (P) and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers (S):

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

Note: Quantas has the best safety record of all major airlines, looks like a little humour helps.

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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

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Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.

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A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pickemup truck on I-75.

Trooper: "Got any ID?"
Driver: " 'Bout what? "

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Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.

You must be referring to John McCain!

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A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

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I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and other grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and telling me, "You're next."

They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?

A: No eye-deer ! (idea)

What do you call a deer with no legs or eyes?

A: Still, no eye-deer!


What about a deer with no legs, no eyes and no reproductive organs?

A: Still, no-F*$king eye-deer!

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A man is playing the piano one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry.

“There, there”, says the pianist “Do you recognise the song?”

“No, no,” says the elephant “I recognise the keys.”

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Q: "What is the difference between a chess player and a civil servant?"
A: "The chess player moves once and a while."

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An anxious husband called the hospital to ask about his wife who was pregnant. Accidentally, he called the cricket stadium. He asked, "How are things?"

He fainted after hearing this reply:
"Fine! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven out by lunch. And the last one out was a duck."

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You must be referring to John McCain!

He He, very true!

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. The elderly man fussed and complained all the long way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

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A duck walks into a bar and said to the bartender, "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says "No," and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back in and says "Got any gwapes?" to the bartender. The bartender says "No," and the duck leaves again.
The third day, the duck comes in and says "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says "No, and if you ask me that one more time, I'll staple your feet to the floor.
The next day, the duck comes in. He says "Got any staples?" The bartender says "No," and the duck replies, "Got any gwapes?"

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Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go.”

Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals that explain their operation and behavior.

Airplanes have strict limits on weight and balance.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.

Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’re already flying, much less looking at.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive (and take off) at the same time.

Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills except in real extreme cases.

However ... when airplanes go suddenly quiet ... just like women, it’s usually not a good sign.

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A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

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