Republican Humor

[sneekula]

Everybody tells me that Republicans don't have a sense of humor. If you are a Republican, here is your chance to disprove this offending assumption.

I am a Republican, and I can't think of anything related to humor, but I am working on it.

[briansmall]

My my, you are opening yourself up on this one.

(Isn't Bush regarded as a joke?)

[Dave Sinkula]

Everybody tells me that Republicans don't have a sense of humor.

Hm. I've heard the opposite.

There's a lot of jokes out there, most of them are running for office.

[jwenting]

If you want a Republican with himour, Ronald Reagan (may he rest in peace) was a prime example.

[vegaseat]

I heard this from a 120% Republican:

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush to honor his achievements. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. After a month's testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

The stamp was in perfect order.
There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
People were simply spitting on the wrong side.

You have to admit that this is darn clever humour. Of course I don't spit, I use a sponge.

[jwenting]

yes, most Republicans think GWB is far too leftist and has sold them out to the "democrats".

[briansmall]

(spoken by a republican)

"I'd like to see a woman win this time."

[ZZucker]

It is just as important that business keep out of government, as that government keep out of business.
-- Herbert Hoover

[MidiMagic]

1. Sign: DEMOC RAT EXTERMINATORS

2. Why is it that Democrats throw most of the stuff found along the road out of car windows?

3. A man is drowning 50 feet from shore. A Republican throws a 40 foot rope, and requires the drowning man to swim 10 feet. A Democrat throws a 100 foot rope, but then he lets go of his end to run down the beach to save someone else.

4. The problem with Democrat economics is that each Democrat is too lazy to do the math himself, and assumes that some other Democrat did the math that shows the plan works. In reality, the math is never done.

5. How can Democrats blame Republicans for wasteful spending, and in the next breath, promise to support an unnecessary expenditure such as the arts?

6. The easiest job, if you do not want to think, is to become a Democrat politician.

7. How can Democrats portray President Bush as a total simpleton, and in the next breath portray him as such a clever criminal that nobody can catch him in a crime?

8. The one thing missing from most Democrat social programs is a source of income other than a magic fairy that bestows wealth.

9.
Reagan: What is this Pac Man I keep hearing about?

Aide: It's a round thing that eats money.

Reagan: Oh! It's Tip O'Neill.

10. How can a man who has killed someone in a drunk driving accident be a US Senator?

11. Some Democrats dream of a 100 percent tax rate. But the problem with that thought is that nobody would work if they didn't get paid.

12. The only thing that explains some Democrat programs is that Democrats think with their hearts. Their brains have never been used.

13. Since when is violating the tenets of the Politically Correct religion an impeachable act?

[MidiMagic]

Republicans read the financial pages in the newspaper. Democrats use them to line the birdcage.

Republicans always close their blinds, though there is seldom any reason why they need to. Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the US. The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans sleep in separate beds, sometimes in separate rooms. That's why there are more Democrats.

[sneekula]

Republicans sleep in separate beds, sometimes in separate rooms. That's why there are more Democrats.

The good news is that those newly created Dems are the Dems that don't vote

[EnderX]

The good news is that those newly created Dems are the Dems that don't vote

Yet...

[sneekula]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible
a silver dollar
a bottle of whiskey
and a Playboy magazine

"I’ll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up."

"If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. Worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He’s gonna be a Republican Congressman!"

[vegaseat]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees the President dancing around and laughing with joy. Right away Dick is hoping that the war was miraculously won.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?"

"I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[sneekula]

Create Crisis
Raise Prices

[Ene Uran]

This is from my super Republican Uncle:

In Dick Chainy's America we would only have two TV channels. Channel One would be Fox News, and on Channel Two he would personally appear and tell you to quickly return the Channel One!

[Lardmeister]

The Gores and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy!"

[Dave Sinkula]

http://hotair.com/archives/2008/04/29/video-republican-space-rangers/

[Lardmeister]

Progress depends on people knowing they'll be able to profit from their ideas.

[soul500l]

Oh no!

I could not think of anything funny either... Does that make me a Republican?

[Ene Uran]

Oh no!

I could not think of anything funny either... Does that make me a Republican?

Yes, you are doomed to be a Republican!

Another sign:
All your wealth is in the bank and not upstairs.

[vegaseat]

McCain's Straight Talk Express:
"Of course those tax cuts need to remain permanent"
"I voted against the tax cuts"
"I voted to extend them"
"I voted against the tax cuts"
"I have always been for tax cuts"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEtZlR3zp4c

[Lardmeister]

That is a good video, however it is also a major violation of the senior citizens right to have senior moments.

[bumsfeld]

Sheila Graham talking about Ronald Reagan:
"The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished."

[Lardmeister]

McCain was asked how long he thinks US soldiers will have to stay in Iraq. He turned to his shadow Lieberman. Lieberman whipsered, "As long as their oil lasts."

So McCain took a guess and answered, "100 years!"

[sneekula]

Whether or not we can be ever fully safe is up -- you know, is up in the air.
--George W. Bush (10/27/2004 interview with Sean Hannity)

[bumsfeld]

Whether or not we can be ever fully safe is up -- you know, is up in the air.
--George W. Bush (10/27/2004 interview with Sean Hannity)

One of my favorites spoken by George W. Bush in Portsmouth, NH on 11/01/2002:
"These people don't have tanks. They don't have ships. They hide in caves. They send suiciders out."

I also like this one where he compares himself to the Almighty (Los Angeles, CA 03/03/2004):
"God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear."

[bumsfeld]

The classic Bushism by George W. Bush (Washington, DC 04/03/2004):
"I hope I -- I don't want to sound like I've made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

[sk8ndestroy14]

"September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget." -George Bush

[bumsfeld]

GW, when asked about his best moment in office:
"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7 and a half pound largemouth bass in my lake."

Now that is honest humour!