HUMOR

[terence193]

Hey PPl

I started this thread for some humor...
Please post your jokes here...

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Have Fun

[uniquestar]

http://www.daniweb.com/forums/thread77206.html

[sneekula]

Child: "Mom, why do you have strands of grey hair mixed in with your dark hair?"

Mother: "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

Child after some thinking: "Mom, why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

[GrimJack]

<> I finally got the cash register to open and drawer shot out spilling change all over the floor. I was on my hands and knees picking up change when the phone rang, I stood up to answer it and smacked my head on the still-open register drawer. When I got to the phone it was your mom asking me how to use an anal suppository - so I told her.

[digitalocksmith]

The future of google:

[IMG]http://photoserver.ws/files/3lh8kaan6y4z6j2g8chb.jpg[/IMG]

[sneekula]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the wife's reply.

[bumsfeld]

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

The Reply:Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

[Lardmeister]

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to hearing specialist who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that gave him perfect hearing again.

The elderly man went back after a month to see the specialist who asked him, "Is your family pleased with your perfect hearing?"

The elderly man said, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

[sneekula]

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

[GrimJack]

I just ran across this (old) joke:
"Man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, whenever I fart it sounds like this", and demonstrates. There is a drawn out noise that sounds for all the world like "Honda!". He does it again, and again it sounds like he's calling out the name of the Japanese manufacturer. "What is wrong with me, doc?" (In all jokes, doctors are called "doc". It's required.)

The doctor hems and haws for a few minutes and consults a learned tome, and then asks, "Have you been drinking absinthe lately?" For those who don't know, that's a nasty alcoholic drink that is banned in many countries. "Well, yes, I have," replies the hapless man. "Well, that explains it!" the doctor triumphantly says. "Absinthe makes the farts go 'Honda!'" "

[Lardmeister]

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Oh no, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

[Lardmeister]

Q: "How do you make the average blonde laugh on Friday?"
A: "Tell her a joke on Monday!"

[steven woodman]

Whats the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

..............................You cant unload a truck of bowling balls with a pitch fork.

[Ene Uran]

A husband and wife went to the marriage counselor. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they ever had in the 20 years of marriage.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their long marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the counselor got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately, as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The counselor turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off with you on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

[bumsfeld]

There was this blonde driving down the road. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in the nearby field, rowing her boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes very bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind!"

[bumsfeld]

Lady Helen went to her priest with her major problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, Lady Helen brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and were quietly praying in their cage.

She put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

The male parrots looked at each other and burst out "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[Lardmeister]

“I’ve sure gotten old,” said my grandpappy. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees.

I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, and have such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t even remember if I’m 56, or 69, or 87!

But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

[fierykido]

this joke does not oringinate from me.its just to make every one have a laugh.

a couple have a memory problem and cannot remember well.the doctor advised them to write down everything they need to remember on a piece of paper.a night, the wife said to her husband,"go and help me cut a piece of straw berry cake.go on write it on a piece of paper.""i don't need it."says the husband as he headed off to the kitchen.
when the husband came back with a plate of grilled fish, the wife scolded her husband ,"i told you to write it down in a piece of paper didn't i? i wanted a packet of fries!".

[sittas87]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

Now you know!!

[maydhyam]

THIS IS A GOOD AND SIMPLE REASONING!!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running."