1

i love geek jokes... they are those jokes other people wouldn't understand...

lets see this one for example...

A detailed explanation of sex for the computer literate and real life illiterate.

Think of sex as a new protocol developed for real world communication and interaction between members of the opposite sex, much as TCP/IP allows all makes and models of computers to communicate and interface.

In this example, let's represent the woman as a Windows computer. A bit flighty, fun to look at, and occasionally does something useful. In the same way, the man will be represented as a DOS system. Not impressive looking, rough around the edges, but it can get the job done as long as you're patient.
Let's say the DOS system wants to interface with the Windows box. In this case, the two units could be in a crowded bar, represented here as a busy toking ring.

The DOS system attempts to open communication with a simple SMPT style message, in this case, HELLO. The Windows box generates a random number via an unknown internal process, and in some instances, responds with a similar HELLO message.
At other times, the Windows box fails to respond at all, either due to the initial HELLO message being lost in the network traffic, background noise, or due to internal conflicts in the Windows box's memory . In this case, let's assume the initial message was received and responded to.

The next step is a simple handshake in order to verify the connection, and to exchange hostnames and the real world version of IP addresses, known as phone numbers. These IP addresses allow later connections to be established quickly.

At this point, the two computers exchange lengthy information about themselves. In this example, the DOS system has very little system information to disclose, while the Windows box has a lengthy list of system and environment information. So our example would consist of lengthy information from the Windows box to the DOS system. The Windows box will occasionally pause to inquire about system information from the DOS system.

These inquiries also serve as keep alive messages, to ensure that the constant influx of information has not overflowed the limited memory of the DOS system and caused it to time out. The DOS system will then respond with a brief message, at which point, the Windows box is free to continue it's data transmission.

It is important to note that the DOS system must have a large amount of storage, as it will be expected to recall the transmitted information at a moment's notice, with no errors. Any errors will cause an abrupt end to communication for a period ranging from an hour or two to forever.

Let's assume that the initial handshaking and system information exchange proceed without incident, and no packet collisions (arguments) occur. The next step is a physical interface between the two computers. Usually, this is initiated by the DOS system.
The initial connection is known as a SMOOCH. (Simple Male Offering Of Carnal Happiness) Assuming the connection is accepted, it will be returned many times by the Windows box, to ensure that this critical signal is acknowledged. If it is not accepted, the Windowsbox will respond with a SLAP (Stop Leering and Pawing)

In the case of a SLAP message, the connection is abruptly closed -- Permanently !!!

In the case of a returned SMOOCH message, the two systems must be relocated to a private peer to peer network, where more secured communication will take place.

The first step is the removal of all encumbering software in order to ensure more fluid communication. The two systems then merge. There are several steps to this.

First, because both systems have been communicating freely for a while, appropriate anti-virus software must be used to ensure no infection of the opposite system. Once this software is installed, the DOS system mounts the Windows box's read-write. A high flow of data occurs, until the DOS box's buffers overflow, and the connection is terminated. (Note: The DOS system's buffer will not overflow as quickly if the speed of reading and writing is reduced. This allows a more prolonged communication.)

Finally, the DOS system unmounts. For some reason, the DOS system's hard drive has been transformed into a floppy at this point. We are still researching this phenomenon. Perhaps more robust systems will be able to maintain the hard drive status, but for now, this is beyond our reach.

At this point, the Windows box will attempt to reestablish low level communication, however, the DOS system is usually overloaded, and so within half an hour, both systems will enter a low power sleep mode.

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Last Post by iamthwee
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  • I love geek jokes SOOOOOOOO much because they make me feel so much more special than all the other people. Only I can understand them, and the jokes remind me of how awesome I am. The puny-minded nincompoops who don't understand the jokes are wasteful idiots who should be shot. … Read More

  • there are 10 types of people those who can understand this and those who can't. Read More

0

haha... i love this one 'cuz it's so true...

How to keep us (IT Guys) happy:

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

0

Finally, the DOS system unmounts. For some reason, the DOS system's hard drive has been transformed into a floppy at this point. We are still researching this phenomenon. Perhaps more robust systems will be able to maintain the hard drive status, but for now, this is beyond our reach.

At this point, the Windows box will attempt to reestablish low level communication, however, the DOS system is usually overloaded, and so within half an hour, both systems will enter a low power sleep mode.

lmfao. Brilliant.

0

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"

Edited by happygeek: fixed formatting

0

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she"; and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 5 reasons for their recommendation.

  1. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  2. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time, they ARE the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  6. A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.
  1. The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  2. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  3. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
  5. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  6. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
1

A Week in the Life Of a System Administrator
http://www.avdf.com/jan98/images/hrline2.gif

MONDAY
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
TUESDAY
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 am
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9....DARR..K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
WEDNESDAY
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
THURSDAY
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
FRIDAY
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopaedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground colour in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much. 5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

Dazza :cool:

Votes + Comments
0

A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son:

"Dad, what is Windows 95?".

"Well, it's 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit
patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit
microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit
of competition."

2

I love geek jokes SOOOOOOOO much because they make me feel so much more special than all the other people.

Only I can understand them, and the jokes remind me of how awesome I am. The puny-minded nincompoops who don't understand the jokes are wasteful idiots who should be shot.

HEREZ MY FAVORITE GEEK JOKE:

Why was six afraid of twenty?

Because twenty ate four hundred ninety-six!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

People who don't understand that joke are pricks for living in the same universe as me.

Votes + Comments
I don't want to be a prick, so I am going to laugh, now. Hahahaha.
I don't get it.
0

@ darrenw89

really good. i once worked at a company where, i swear, the IT people had a very similar attitude. And i was answering the phone at help desk so imagin the heat i got from end users calling.

@ nichito.

dont let narue hear you make bill gates jokes. she is a fan. the joke is pretty true though.

1

there are 10 types of people

those who can understand this and those who can't.

Votes + Comments
That one kind of palls after the 1011 time you hear it.
0

I love geek jokes SOOOOOOOO much because they make me feel so much more special than all the other people.

Only I can understand them, and the jokes remind me of how awesome I am. The puny-minded nincompoops who don't understand the jokes are wasteful idiots who should be shot.

HEREZ MY FAVORITE GEEK JOKE:

Why was six afraid of twenty?

Because twenty ate four hundred ninety-six!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

People who don't understand that joke are pricks for living in the same universe as me.

Your joke is straight forward and not complicated at all but Oh! Rash!!
Why are you this way?:$ :X

0

I love geek jokes SOOOOOOOO much because they make me feel so much more special than all the other people.

Only I can understand them, and the jokes remind me of how awesome I am. The puny-minded nincompoops who don't understand the jokes are wasteful idiots who should be shot.

HEREZ MY FAVORITE GEEK JOKE:

Why was six afraid of twenty?

Because twenty ate four hundred ninety-six!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

People who don't understand that joke are pricks for living in the same universe as me.

QED

My favourite geek joke is...

Yo momma's so ugly you could roll her face in dough and make gorilla cookies.

Bah ha ha.

Votes + Comments
Muhahaha.. very funny
rrright... *sighs*
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