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Woah, if you play this CD backwards, you here satanic music.
That's nothing, if you play it forwards, it installs windows :D

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Woah, if you play this CD backwards, you here satanic music.
That's nothing, if you play it forwards, it installs windows :D

Exactly how would one play a cd backwards? Does it require the use of a disgronificator unit?

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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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Found this one on a site I visit fairly frequently. Supposedly a true story; as are most of the entries on the site.

It seems this military base had a massive mainframe computer that handled everything. Every day at about the same time, it would throw spurious errors for about 15-20 minutes, then stop. The techs worked for weeks both remotely and in the console room trying to find the problem. Finally, a tech went tot he actual computer room (hard to get into due to security limitations) and called the console room. The tech in the console room said "it's happenning now," so the tech in the computer room started looking at all the systems. He heard an odd whirring noise in one corner of the room, and asssumed it was a problem with a hard drive, a tape transport, or something similar. When he got there, a lowly Private was waxing the floor with a motor-driven polisher. The cable for the polisher was plugged into one of the outlets inside a computer cabinet. He asked the private "Do you do this often?" "Every day at this time, sir." "Do you always use that outlet?" "Yes, sir--that's the one the Sergeant told me to use." "OK. Would you mind using one of the ones on the wall from now on?" "Whatever you say, sir." The tech locked all the computer cabinets (per policy) and left.

The tech related the story to his boss; the boss called the base commander. Later, the tech asked his boss if the base commander was upset. The boss replied "No; I just told him it was a buffer problem, but it's fixed now."

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An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

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An engineer is in line to be guillotined by the French Revolution.

There is a rule that if the guillotine malfunctions and does not cut the head off, the person has been spared by God, and so goes free.

The three people ahead of the engineer are each let go because the blade did not cut their heads off. Now it's the engineer's turn.

The engineer says, "I think I see your problem...."

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Many years in the future, Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates were brought to heaven and allowed to ask God one question each, to which he promised He would answer truthfully and completely.

Linus walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Linux be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Linux will be completely secure and bug-free in about 10 years." When he hears this, Linus becomes disheartened. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

Steve runs up to God and asks Him, "When will Mac OS be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Mac OS will be completely secure and bug-free in about 20 years." When he hears this, Steve becomes very depressed. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

Bill walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a long time God still is pondering, and Gates asks him again, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" Time passes and soon God replies, "I may not live to see that day."

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Bill Gates was riding a small private airplane in a remote region, along with some economists and a wilderness hiker. The hiker marveled that the world's smartest man was riding in the same plane.

All of a sudden, the pilot and copilot ran from the cockpit, grabbed two parachutes from the rack, and jumped out of the plane. Inspection showed the left engine was on fire, and that there were five people left on the plane, and four remaining parachutes.

They were discussing how to decide who got the parachutes, when Bill gates said, "The world needs my genius. He grabbed a pack and jumped out of the plane.

The hiker said, "I'm the least valuable, so the rest of you can go."

One of the economists then said, "That's not necessary. We have enough parachutes now. The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing your knapsack."

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Upon passing on, an engineer finds himself outside of Heaven. St Peter
sees him on line, and says:
"Wait a minute, you're an engineer, aren't you? I'm tired of
engineers. You're always screwing things up down on earth with all your
inventions and your fancy ideas. You're going to Hell."
With that, the engineer is cast down to Hell. Within weeks, Hell has
air-conditioning, indoor plumbing, nice escalators...all the comforts.
Shortly after the improvements have been made, God happens to call
Satan, to see how things are.
"Still miserable, I trust?" God says.
"Actually no", says Satan. "Now that you sent us an engineer, things
are quite nice in Hell. People are happy to be here. Thanks so much."
God is furious.
"You send that engineer back up here. That was a mistake, sending him
to you!" he says.
"Nope" says Satan. "You sent him, we're keeping him."
God can't believe the insolence.
"You send him back here, or I'll...I'll...I'll sue you!"
Satan says:
"Yeah, right. And where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

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Upon passing on, an engineer finds himself outside of Heaven. St Peter
sees him on line, and says:
"Wait a minute, you're an engineer, aren't you? I'm tired of
engineers. You're always screwing things up down on earth with all your
inventions and your fancy ideas. You're going to Hell."
With that, the engineer is cast down to Hell. Within weeks, Hell has
air-conditioning, indoor plumbing, nice escalators...all the comforts.
Shortly after the improvements have been made, God happens to call
Satan, to see how things are.
"Still miserable, I trust?" God says.
"Actually no", says Satan. "Now that you sent us an engineer, things
are quite nice in Hell. People are happy to be here. Thanks so much."
God is furious.
"You send that engineer back up here. That was a mistake, sending him
to you!" he says.
"Nope" says Satan. "You sent him, we're keeping him."
God can't believe the insolence.
"You send him back here, or I'll...I'll...I'll sue you!"
Satan says:
"Yeah, right. And where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

This one was already posted... see post #9

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I know, I don't get the joke.. where's God going to find a lawyer. Is that it? Oh wait, did he send them all to hell or something?

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I know, I don't get the joke.. where's God going to find a lawyer. Is that it? Oh wait, did he send them all to hell or something?

By gosh you got it!

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I guess I got to redeem myself, or somebody will demote me to Sergeant Retard:

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks, if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The young man leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

Where is the High Tech you might ask, and I say: "Have you been shopping for those things lately?"

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The Titanic is going to be drowned....
Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God...
Just then a Italian asks the nearby British on the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
British : Two miles.
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I
have got the experience of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off
the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.

Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?
British : Downwards......

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My favorite computer science / math joke.

Q: Why do computer scientists always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

Yes, it's terrible. Be happy if you don't get it.

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Boss: "Why are you throwing away half of the nails?"

Worker: "The heads are on the wrong end."

Boss" "Idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

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An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

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"ASCII and ye shall receive."
"Will the information superhighway have any rest stops ?"
"I get mail, therefore I am." — Scott Adams.
"In fact, you can throw away the last three syllables of 'superhighway'. It's a soup. Call it Information Soup and we're getting somewhere." — Charles S. Murray.
"E-mail — When it absolutely, positively has to get lost at the speed of light." — Jerry Vuoso.
"Plonk /excl./: The sound a newbie makes as he falls to the bottom of a kill file."
"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howeU r89nvyowmc63Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

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A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

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Bill Gates was riding a small private airplane in a remote region

when he hears "BING! - Autopilot has encountered an error and needs to close" ;)

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Bill Gates was riding a small private airplane in a remote region


when he hears "BING! - Autopilot has encountered an error and needs to close"

Score!

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