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there easier to buy than cigarettes...

The question was more related to the variety, should you buy the ones with mickey mouse ears, the ones with passion sound, the ones with sexy underarm odor, or the ones that glow in the dark!

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Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25.

Error # 3454: Punchline already present, at WaltP, post #63 references AustinK, post #50.
Please reboot punchline.

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Q: Why did the tech open the computer boxes upside down?

A: Each box was printed with the word "up" in lowercase, and an arrow pointing up. But when you turn the box upside down, you see the word "dn" and an arrow pointing down.

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ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Some old DOS bootup messages
Reality.sys not found - universe halted.
Unable to load breakfast.com, cereal port not found.

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Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25.

By golly, I finally got it! Thanks WaltP! You are true genius!

This is an actual alert to IBM field engineers that went out to all IBM branch offices. The person who wrote it was indeed serious. The rest of us may find it somewhat humorous:

Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

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My favorite PC boot error message (real):

"Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue."

One time, we came up with some fake assembly language instructions for the IBM-360:

BRH - Branch and Hang
EPI - Execute Programmer Immediately
EMW - Emulate Maytag Washer
SDD - Spin Dry Disk
EEV - Emulate Evil
IIB - Ignore Inquiry and Branch
BCF - Branch on Chip box Full (now called chad box)
ESS - Emit Strange Smell
CLS - Console Light-Show
FJD - Frisbee-eJect Disk
BDC - Braid Disk drive Cable
CPF - Cause Power Failure
EM4 - Emulate IBM 407 (A wire-and-plug programmed computer)
SFB - Steal From Bank account
OAS - Overheat and Act Strange
EOC - Electrify Operator's Chair
BYS - Bypass Security
SSC - Start Second Coming

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I forgot. One of those instructions we invented persisted:

DWIM - Do what I meant.

We also accidentally started the use of FOO and BAR in computing.

We had a UNIVAC card reader that refused to feed the cards without tearing them. I found that a little guide had broken off the hopper weight, causing it to stub against the side and lift off the cards. Cutting a punch card to fit where the guide was supposed to be, and taping it to the top of the weight, I got the card reader to work "long enough to get my job to run."

Because the maintenance man was a former military man, I wrote on the punch card:
"This thing is FUBAR." (Fouled Up Beyond Any Repair - a term he always used), expecting him to get a new one. But it seems that UNIVAC hopper weight cost $500. Little did I know that sign would still be there 3 years later.

Programmers started calling the hopper weight the FUBAR: "Don't forget to put the FUBAR on."

The psychologist who originated the 5 original metasyntactic syllables (FOO BAR ZOT REN TOG) for an experiment also used that computer. In an amazing coincidence, I was a subject in that original experiment (guinea-pig was required for all students in Psychology 101).

Programmers then latched onto the syllables for variable names (psychology was required for computer science students). But somewhere along the line, they substituted BAZ for TOG, and placed it third.

Incidentally, FOO has a prior history. Smokey Stover (a comic-strip fireman with a two-wheel fire engine that predated the Segway by 60 years) always said "Where there's foo, there's fire." Of course, that came from World War I (The French word for fire is Feu, pronounced FOO.)

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Somewhat off topic, but has anyone here actually used a papertape punch computer??? I used one once...it was part of the Fire Control (weapons firing control) system of the nuclear submarine I was stationed aboard...It was a backup to a backup to a backup of the current system in place but it actually worked once I figgered it out...(Took about 8 hours of studying the tech manuals, but I finally figgered it out...)

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Somewhat off topic, but has anyone here actually used a papertape punch computer??? I used one once...it was part of the Fire Control (weapons firing control) system of the nuclear submarine I was stationed aboard...It was a backup to a backup to a backup of the current system in place but it actually worked once I figgered it out...(Took about 8 hours of studying the tech manuals, but I finally figgered it out...)

I am sure glad they never fired one of those missiles an anger!

Kaplan's first law of software development:
Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.

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'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.'
-- James Holt McGavran

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The latest and perhaps most insidious of the recalls of Chinese products has been the recall of hundreds of thousands of rolls of toilet paper impregnated with highly radioactive grains of phosphorous designed to cling to bodily tissues; molecules of these grains enter the body thru the most sensitive and personal tissues of the private parts and are attracted to the cortal brain stem, where they tend to collect as formative cells, instigating a previously unknown form of brain fever causing a huge desire for egg-drop soup and resulting in a form of diarhea called Yangtze Drool. Yangtze Drool has been identified now in over a hundred cities and towns in the northern hemisphere, and its presence has been confirmed by the Health & Human Services Administration, where it had been erroneously categorized as Limbaugh Rush Disease.

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Dang it Lardmeister, I fell for that one! I was just about to check my toilet paper to see if it was made in China. May you have the Yangtze Drool for a week!

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Dang it Lardmeister, I fell for that one! I was just about to check my toilet paper to see if it was made in China. May you have the Yangtze Drool for a week!

I imagine you fell for the radio version of "War of the Worlds" too!

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Four engineers are driving to an engineering conference: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. They're out on the highway in the middle of nowhere, and the car suddenly dies and forcing them to stop at the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says "Did you hear that 'crack?' We must have blown a rod. We'll have to rebuild the drive train."

The electrical engineer says "No, no. That sound was a 'bzzt.' We obviously blew a fuse, and we need to rewire the electrical system."

The chemical engineer says "That was no 'bzzt,' it was a 'sputter.' The fuel injector must be clogged. We should clean out the fuel line."

The computer engineer says "Why don't we close the window, get out of the car, get back in again, and see if it starts?"

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This one's fairly well-known, as I've heard it from several sources, but I still enjoy it:

If Operating Systems Owned Airlines

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

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Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

You forgot the part where they also had to emerge the window and get it to work correctly with their version of the seat they installed if they wanted a view while flying. Not all landscapes outside the plane will be compatible with the view, but the most popular portions of the flight will probably look okay. The other parts aren't worth seeing anyway and are just fluff for those who have no imagination themselves.

Then of course, if they needed to use the restroom, that needed to be configured as well. Once inside, the bathroom may not look like any bathroom you have ever seen before in your life, but luckily there is a manual for it and after tweaking the toilet configuration files for an hour or two you can probably use it to at least some degree of relieve.

Back in your seat again, you are ready for that wonderful in-flight meal that you have heard so much about. It arrives in fourteen separate packages, each with their own manual for building the portions and configuring them to your particular tastes. Some of those packages emerge other packages that make a mess of portions that you had already gotten just right to suit you. That's okay you think, whoever promised that having a full meal just to your liking required no effort from the consumer anyway? Some lazy fools will just settle for whatever is thrown on their plates.

Leaving the flight, you pack up your seat, your window configurations, the bathroom settings, and your meal script revelling in the thoughts that your next flight will be so wonderfully relaxing now that you can just restore those settings at will. At least you should be able to, as long as the next flight is the same distro and there haven't been any version changes...
:)

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