Here's the problem:

I have a folder /tests/ which contains all my unit tests. I want the test runner to be able to go and include all of the unit test classes from that directory, and then run all the tests in those classes. So the first part of the problem is to require() all files that end with .test.php

Can anybody point me in the right direction to even procure a list of the files in a directory?

NOTE: i understand this method isn't safe, it's for a class project, and is more proof-of-concept than anything else.

PHP provides you with all the necessary functions to access the filesystem just as you would do through the command line. for example listdir.
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