HUMOR - Page 2

[Lardmeister]

Chinese Voyeur: Peking Tom

[maydhyam]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "

And they say blondes are dumb...

[Lardmeister]

Bigamist: Italian for heavy fog.

[maydhyam]

You Know You've Been on the Computer Too Long When...

1. When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
2. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
3. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
4. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
5. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
6. When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
7. When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
8. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
9. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
10. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
11. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
12. You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.
13. You try to sleep, and think ... "telnet xxx.dreams.heaven"

[itdupuis]

Guilty as charged for number 7 above!!

[maydhyam]

The Story of Micro
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PRIME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight", he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"

They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to see my benchmark routine', but Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM", she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"

"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested.

"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a coltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"

[Ene Uran]

For unknown reasons, consumers have been uninterested in the 1-inch cube-shaped snack known as Wheat Thicks.

[sreein1986]

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire.

The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

[sreein1986]

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"

[sreein1986]

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

[sneekula]

Just on the news, a Florida couple has spotted the image of Jesus in the image of the Virgin Mary that had gradually appeared in their worn out bathmat.

[sittas87]

Just on the news, a Florida couple has spotted the image of Jesus in the image of the Virgin Mary that had gradually appeared in their worn out bathmat.

I actually saw that .do you actually believe that crap??I mean anythings possible but I mean the father himself said that it aint true

[sneekula]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[bumsfeld]

Q: "How many blonde jokes are there?"
A: "One. The rest are all true stories."

[GrimJack]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mail box?

Bill.

[bumsfeld]

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

[maydhyam]

HOUSE BOY: BAKARI

Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).

Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank however, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.

When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as thief!!! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The Boss told his wife, 'Mary, you will see today,he will be obliged to acknowledge'. So he calls Bakari.

He shouted: 'Bakari!'
Bakari answered: 'Yes, Boss'
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?'Still;
No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't
answer me?

Bakari retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at
all, except the name.

Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, me, I go in the
kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Bakari shouted: 'Boss'.
He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'.
Bakari continued: 'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.
Bakari shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'

The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!

Have a great day....
:):):)

[GrimJack]

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on your lap?

[sittas87]

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on your lap?

?????????

[GrimJack]

Joy (it's a guy joke - I made it up back when these jokes were all the rage - I was younger then)

[GrimJack]

Originally Posted by GrimJack What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on your lap??????????

Joy!
(I made it up back when these jokes were popular and I was young).

[sittas87]

lol.so not funny (but then again my jokes sucked even more when I was little )

[vegaseat]

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
(one of Rodney Dangerfield's lines)

[Wiki_Tiki]

Heres a good one :) :

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants.'

[ZZucker]

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

[GrimJack]

A Jew, a Christian, and Barak Obama were on a boat in the ocean - Barak says "Hey, this joke isn't going to work -- there's no Muslim"

[Ene Uran]

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is real good, he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is real good, he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's real good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 17:00 and is already home by 13:30!"

[farooqaaa]

Ene Uran, I can't get that joke... Whats does this mean:

"I've got you both beat. My dad's real good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 17:00 and is already home by 13:30!"

[GrimJack]

farooqaaa, The humor lies in the speed - he gets off work at 17:00 and gets home by 13:30, that is fast; but you have to understand, in New jersey - it is possible to have a couple of no-show jobs, this is usually the kind of thing Toni Soprano does for one of his soldiers on the east coast; whereas, in Chicago - it is usually a ward captain who hands out this sort of thing

[bumsfeld]

A woman is on her deathbed, with her husband at her side. She keeps trying to tell him something, but he keeps saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispers, "I need to make a confession before I die; I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweety," replies her husband, as he wipes the tears from her cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"