Three nuns decided to quit the convent so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said sheepishly, "I urinated in the holy water!"

An old man is driving down the freeway, his cell phone rings. It's his wife Cindy, "John, dear, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," answers the old man, "It's hundreds of them!"

Thanks to Salem for the ref on this:

Govermentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of "Name That Animal". The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bahstard!" called out Eddie.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

The Marlboro man

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly, as he hobbled into the pub on his crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow!" said the barkeep surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A rusty old shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's right boob." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

A nobleman decided to march in the holy crusades against the muslims. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for one minute I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. One minute later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

Nice collection williamhemsworth!

Laura and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

Q: "How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs."

commented: ROFL some californians! +1


Trying to decide if it is The wheels of life or Life on wheels.

Q: "What do you call a cow with no legs?"
A: "Ground beef."

q: If the Internet had a dark side and a light side who would be the dark side
a: whoever owns doubleclick *coughs* Google.

Local health officer tries to show the members of his community the dangers of taking a particular gin. He demonstrates to them what it does to the intestine by putting a worm into the gin & the worm gets dehydrated & dies
Then he asks them what they have gotten from this demonstration and the spokesman goes
'Worms have no business shortening our ration of the local gin;)

What did the proverbial aborigine get from a sermon in a foreign language?
Frozen feet and a pain in the head:icon_smile:

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: "How did you get that pegleg?"

Pirate: "Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the world war."

Interviewer: "How did you get that hook?"

Pirate: "I got me hand cut off by a big knife."

Interviewer: "What about your eyepatch?"

Pirate: "It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye."

Interviewer: "That put your eye out?"

Pirate: "No, it was the day after I got me hook!"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Caveman1 (to caveman2): What will you be doing today?
Caveman2: Nothing
Caveman1: But you did that yesterday?
Caveman2: Yea, didn't quite finish

Who says elephants don't have a sense of humor?

Hope not ....
Q: "What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?"
A: "An elephant with diarrhea."

Accidents happen (explains why I didn't get a Xmas present):

Who is the Designer of the Human Body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Q: "How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
There is no answer, just another question:
"Will this be on the next test?"

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
~~~ William Somerset Maugham's dry sense of humour

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

“A man and a woman making love in a park,” the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

“A man and a woman making love in a boat.”

He holds up the third picture.

“A man and a woman making love at the beach.”

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, “It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.”

In outrage, the man replies, “Well, you’re the one with the dirty pictures.”

Here is an old one...

So they were going to hunt for the notorius Foo bird.

As a warning, their leader said, "Remember, if this enormous
bird does it's business and any of it gets on you, you leave it
alone - don't wipe it off, understood?".

So they went deep into the wood, and lo and behold, there
went the Foo bird.

As one rifleman took a shot, the Foo bird swept overhead
and splattered two of them straitaway.

One was so disgusted by the mess he immediately went
to a brook and began to clean it off.

He died immediately.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.