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Hot Air Baloon

A man is standing on a hilltop when a man riding in a hot air balloon starts to drift by. The man in the balloon asks "Do you know where I am?" The man on the ground replies "In a hot air balloon." The man in the balloon says "You must work in Information Technology. What you told me is 100% correct, but does not help me at all" To which the man on the ground replies "You must be in Business Administration, because you are in the same mess you were in before, but now it is my fault!"


Why we love kids

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boybefore?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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Last Post by jbarry315
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    Good ones [B]Twilli[/B]. Now some from my side.... [B][U]Newton's Law for Engineers[/U] [/B][I]Law - 1[/I] Every Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager. [I]Law - 2[/I] The rate of change in the Work is directly proportional to the payment … Read More

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Good ones Twilli.


Now some from my side....

Newton's Law for Engineers

Law - 1

Every Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

Law - 2

The rate of change in the Work is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate when deadline force is applied.

Law -3.

For every appraisal there is an equal but opposite Work Implementation.

Bonus Law - 4

Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from the software. They can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remain constant.

;)

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Bonus Law - 4

Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from the software. They can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remain constant.

LOL :lol:;)

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17 Truths

  • Men are like slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still
    can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
    think, "Well, that's not going to happen".
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
    of nothing.
  • The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
    argument going.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no
    one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
  • You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just
    on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the
    last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
  • According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice
    about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they
    notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
    criticism.
  • Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
    substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
  • I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
  • In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS
    weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
    realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
    what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
    disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
    inexplicable; there is another theory which states that this has
    already happened.
  • How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
    a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
    appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."
  • You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally,
    but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
    years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
    video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
    charge of immigration.
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the phrase "I've got a bug in my computer" was coined by Grace Hopper in 1945, when her computer began acting erroneously. She did in fact find a bug in her computer... a moth.

:D

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How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

6. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

7. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

9. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

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hehe, good stuffs. hows about some smartass?

BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006
SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says.

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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Some related to the all favourite tech support...

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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tech phone calls are genius

Not from what I've seen...usually the reverse. Think about it...

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