So I noticed that the joke threads are pretty old ones, and if you're like
me then you like to laugh.

Well, let's start a new one! (Come on, you know you want to!) ;)

So, let's hear some (programming) jokes!


codeorder commented: :) +0

Okay, so here's one joke:

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"


Haha i dont have an IT joke, but i had this kind of joke

Once there was dog who is a sex maniac, he raped many of the animal in the forest, he raped chicken, cow, goat, pig etc. Almost all animals were raped and his crime continues for a long time. The animals of the forest are praying when will it stop that one day the lord will hear their prayers and punish the dog for his sin. One day when the cat was wandering in the forest... he saw the dog laying in the ground face down quivering horribly, Then the Cat says "Ha! good for you! The lord has punished you with your sin and deliver a quick death! die fool!". Just as the cat walk away the dog suddenly replies "Who's fool!? just wait i finish raping this ant and your next" ^_^

commented: hahaha That's a good one! xD +0
commented: LMAOOO!!!:D +0

Dad and daughter are chilling at the house and the Dad comes up stairs and into the daughters room and says
"what in the hell are you doing and what is this ??" as he see's a dildo sitting on the nightstand. The daughters starts to yell at him and says daddy damn it, I'm 42, still live back at home, i don't have a man or a partner, i hate living here and i hate my job. Damn it daddy i got to have a life.

So the dad says well ok whatever and leaves.

Everything seems fine and then the next day dad comes home and sits at the bar for a bit.

Well the daughter comes home and seems like a great happy day and see's her dad sitting at the bar all alone and then looks over and notices he isn't alone. She notices he is sitting there drinking a Beer in one hand and has the dildo in his other hand.

and... she says " DADDY what the hell are you doing?".

he say's what the hell does it look like im doing ??

I'm sitting here having a drink with my son-in-law for god sakes.

commented: Had me laughing. +0

commented: Good pictures +0

hahahah, its funny i really enjoyed it a lot, i am also looking forward for more jokes.

Old software engineers never die, they just reboot.

Software development cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Old C programmers never die. They are just cast into void*

A new joke page is up and running!

Thanks guys for all the great jokes!

If you think about it this is kind of like open source ware!
Everyone can contribute!

And you can feel good about this thread because...you're making people laugh!

Thanks everyone,


In the office today, lady said to me, ask the other IT guys! no i can handle it easily! your taking forever, there is no I in team!... no your right, but there is an I in IT and an i in Million which i am earning and you are not so sit down and shutup :) I know, i have good customer service :)

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howeU r89nvyowmc63Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

When your only tool is OOP everything becomes objectionable.

i am laughing.hahaha...................

Well here is a few jokes
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just declare darkness the standard

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse?

10. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?

13. Do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?

20. Tell me about your childhood.

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows

Now that is true.

A stranger from the land of Woot came to Master Foo as he was eating the morning meal with his students.

I hear y00 are very l33t, he said. Pl33z teach m3 all y00 know.

Master Foo's students looked at each other, confused by the stranger's barbarous language. Master Foo just smiled and replied: You wish to learn the Way of Unix?

I want to b3 a wizard hax0r, the stranger replied, and 0wn ever3one's b0xen.

I do not teach that Way, replied Master Foo.

The stranger grew agitated. D00d, y00 r nothing but a p0ser, he said. If y00 n00 anything, y00 wud t33ch m3.

There is a path, said Master Foo, that might bring you to wisdom. The master scribbled an IP address on a piece of paper. Cracking this box should pose you little difficulty, as its guardians are incompetent. Return and tell me what you find.

The stranger bowed and left. Master Foo finished his meal.

Days passed, then months. The stranger was forgotten.

Years later, the stranger from the land of Woot returned.

Damn you! he said, I cracked that box, and it was easy like you said. But I got busted by the FBI and thrown in jail.

Good, said Master Foo. You are ready for the next lesson. He scribbled an IP address on another piece of paper and handed it to the stranger.

Are you crazy? the stranger yelled. After what I've been through, I'm never going to break into a computer again!

Master Foo smiled. Here, he said, is the beginning of wisdom.

On hearing this, the stranger was enlightened.


There was a novice who learned much at the Master's feet, but felt something to be missing. After meditating on his doubts for some time, he found the courage to approach Master Foo about his problem.

Master Foo, he asked why do Unix users not employ antivirus programs? And defragmentors? And malware cleaners?

Master Foo smiled, and said When your house is well constructed, there is no need to add pillars to keep the roof in place.

The novice replied Would it not be better to use these things anyway, just to be certain?

Master Foo reached for a nearby ball of string, and began wrapping it around the novice's feet.

What are you doing? the novice asked in surprise.

Master Foo replied simply: Tying your shoes.

Upon hearing this, the novice was enlightened.


Master Foo once said to a visiting programmer: There is more Unix-nature in one line of shell script than there is in ten thousand lines of C.

The programmer, who was very proud of his mastery of C, said: How can this be? C is the language in which the very kernel of Unix is implemented!

Master Foo replied: That is so. Nevertheless, there is more Unix-nature in one line of shell script than there is in ten thousand lines of C.

The programmer grew distressed. But through the C language we experience the enlightenment of the Patriarch Ritchie! We become as one with the operating system and the machine, reaping matchless performance!

Master Foo replied: All that you say is true. But there is still more Unix-nature in one line of shell script than there is in ten thousand lines of C.

The programmer scoffed at Master Foo and rose to depart. But Master Foo nodded to his student Nubi, who wrote a line of shell script on a nearby whiteboard, and said: Master programmer, consider this pipeline. Implemented in pure C, would it not span ten thousand lines?

The programmer muttered through his beard, contemplating what Nubi had written. Finally he agreed that it was so.

And how many hours would you require to implement and debug that C program? asked Nubi.

Many, admitted the visiting programmer. But only a fool would spend the time to do that when so many more worthy tasks await him.

And who better understands the Unix-nature? Master Foo asked. Is it he who writes the ten thousand lines, or he who, perceiving the emptiness of the task, gains merit by not coding?

Upon hearing this, the programmer was enlightened.


- WolfShield

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.

"Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Can't do it...it's a hardware problem.

haha all jokes are funny :D

The Ten Commandments

char * commandment[10]; 
  commandment[0] = "Thou shalt not dereference a null pointer.\n";
  commandment[1] = "Thou shalt not dereference a null pointer, in any case whatsoever.\n";
  commandment[2] = "dmr cannot stress this enough: thou shalt not dereference a null pointer.\n";
  commandment[3] = "Thou shalt not dereference a null pointer.  We really do mean it.\n";
  commandment[4] = "We cannot tell thee enough how important it is that thee not dereference a null pointer.\n";
  commandment[5] = "Under no circumstance shalt thee dereference a null pointer.\n";
  commandment[6] = "Move not all null pointer, for great justice.\n";
  commandment[7] = "www.thoushaltnotdereferenceanullpointer.com\n";
  commandment[8] = "When we tell thee not to dereference a null pointer, thou shalt do it.  I mean not do it.  I mean ... I knoweth what I mean.\n";
  commandment[9] = "Steve Ballmer will fucking kill you if you so much as think about hiring someone who dereferences a null pointer.\n";
  commandment[10] = "There shall be no eleventh commandment.\n";
  commandment[11] = "This fucking program crashed at the previous line\n";

Russian version of C:
#включите <ставв.к>

инт главнымобразом (инт арго, хара **(**аргв)) {
хара внымота[][][][];
печатьф("Здравствулте!, мир!\н"); //wrote it myself :))


Sure, Unix is a user-friendly operating system. It's just picky with whom it chooses to be friends.

Everyone knows, "Time is Money". Everyone also knows, "Knowledge is Power".

Fair enough. Let's do some algebra. We can convert the above statements as follows:
Time = T
Money = M
Knowledge = K
Power = P

T = M
K = P

We know from physics that Power equals Work divided by time. So,
K = W / T

Since we know that Time is Money, we can substitute:
K = W / M

Now, if we solve for Money, we get:
M = W / K

Let's think about this. This equation states that Money equals Work divided by Knowlege. So, as Knowledge goes to zero, Money goes to infinity, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH WORK IS DONE.

Makes you wonder about all the rich people...

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Theme: Church Humour

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighbourhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbours were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic. They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, " You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighbourhod was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighbourhood men could not believed their noses! What was going on? They called each other and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, " You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?