>>Definition of a Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

I often say smoking is the most stupid thing a grown up can do. not that it should be reccomended for teens. but just think about it. You pull in...Blow...and then what... STress relieve :) .
i had people smokking that admits thats the dumbest thing. never mind


Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and

their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the

first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even

named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom: "Your

obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's

name, Penny." He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.

This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this

point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand

and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Two men are drinking at a bar and talking about hunting.

The older man says that he can tell what type of animal and how it died just by touching it.

Well the younger man says ok lets get a blind fold and i bet you a beer you cant do as you say.

the man leaves and returns with some animals, blindfolds the other man, places the animal in front of him and says ok go.

With that the older man says "deer shot with a 22".

Thats a fluke the younger man says ill bet you two beer you cant do that again.

Well they try again and the older man says its a moose shot with a 303.

Well holy sh t the young man says.

This continues through the night with the amazment of everyone.

The next day the older woke up and when to the washroom when he noticed he had a black eye and fat lip.

so he yells to his wife "honey do you know what happened? I dont remember getting in a fight last"

And then she yells back "you never got in fight ***hole. You got in bed started to get frisky
then yelled out - skunk, ran over by a transport truck"


# Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Q - Whats the best thing about babies?


Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?


Q - What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U' and 'N' in the middle?



Q - Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty?

A - When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S SHOWTIME!


Definition of a Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

I usually end it with "and a sucker at the other end" - it works on 2 levels.

A guy is sitting at the bar, drinking a LOT. H finally says to the bartender "I bet you $20 I can bite my own eye"

The bartender says "you're on!" and slaps down a 20.

The guy pull out his fake eye and bites it.

He drinks for another hour then calls the bartender over and says "I bet you another $20 that I can bit my other eye"

The bartender thinks - I know he can see so he does not have 2 fake eyes so says "your on"

The drunk pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

The bartender is really p*ssed now and slaps another 20 onto the first.

Another hour goes by, and the drunk is now completely blasted; he tries to stand up a couple times but can't seem to stay up.

He calls the bartender over and, slurring his words really badly, says "You want to win your money back? I bet you $40 that I can pee on your leg without getting you wet"

The bartender is so pissed that he says "your on".

The drunk walk around the bar and p*sses on the bartender's leg and the bartender yells and jumps back stuttering "you, you got my pants all wet"

The drunk says "Can't will 'em all" then laughs and walks out of the bar.

<there are other ending s for this but this is the one I like>

Q: "What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?"
A: "A small medium at large!"

This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania, buddy?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist ... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals."

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A man was locked up in an institution for the insane. A new worker came in and asked him why he was there. The man said " I communicate with aliens and they control me through an implant on my shoulder." The new worker thought the guy was out of his mind and said " May i see this chip?" The man warned him that anyone who saw the chip has their mind controlled by aliens. The Worker didn't believe him so he pulled up his sleeve unwillingly and showed the man a chip implant. The next day later the man was in the insitution next to the man with the chip. The man said " I warned you."

Message to the joke: Tell me if you find one.

"I'm thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America -- we can feed ourselves."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by one reception committee of angels. After whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming the linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears one loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

The monk version was slightly better.

Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence.


  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  6. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
  7. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  8. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

a little bird was having a heck of time partying and getting it on with the locals when he suddenly noticed that he missed the migration. He thought he would try to head south any way. He struggled against terribly cold winds, then came the rain and sleet. finally he was so cold and his wings started to ice up - he just could not make it any further. His wings locked up and fell into a barnyard. To his great fortune, he fell into a fresh cow patty. this warmed him up and gave him so much more energy, that he started to sing. along came a cat who ate him.

There 3 morals to this story - here are 2 of them:

If you find a warm place in the barnyard, don't sing about it.
Just because someone is helping you out of the sh*t, it does not mean he is your friend.

A lawenforcement officer pulls over a car and says to the older man:
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating too many doughnuts?"

Three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and told me to take what you wanted."

The first IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

That will get your mind going:

Heh,heh - love the pic. You know that pigeons are cliff-dwellers which is why the find cities so home-like - hawks take pigeons in the air so the pigeons stay on the ledges when they can. The hawks have started landing on the ledges and nudging the pigeons until one falls off, then bam - lunchtime.

Heh,heh - love the pic. You know that pigeons are cliff-dwellers which is why the find cities so home-like - hawks take pigeons in the air so the pigeons stay on the ledges when they can. The hawks have started landing on the ledges and nudging the pigeons until one falls off, then bam - lunchtime.

I was in Phoenix getting my hair cut one day about 2 years ago and while I waited I looked outside through the glass and noticed a pigeon in one of the brick pillars. The pillars were solid brick accept for at the top on the outside of the pillar in one row every other brick was missing so there were little square holes in the pillar about 6 inches deep. This pigeon was standing in one of the holes which was just narrow enough to prevent it from turning around. For about ten minutes in went from one way to the other trying to turn around so that it could get out. After a while I forgot about it and assume that it eventually figured out that it could get out by going backwards.

A programmer gets on a train to go to New York. There is a farmer in his green overalls next to him. To pass the time, the programmer decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first."

The farmer thinks for a while.

"Okay, what has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?"

The programmer is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the programmer takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the programmer.

"I don't know either."


Great site!

Read in the news:
English-speaking French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner was quoted saying:
"Israel could eat Iran if it wanted to!"

What he meant to say:
"Israel could hit Iran if it wanted to!"

(the h is silent in French)

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

I should save this joke for a different thread but what the hey:
Q: What's the difference between a Lehman trader and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

commented: LOL; hell ya +2

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 10 cents to beat on the cans."

"A freakin' dime?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a dime, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

Form this point on the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line and has been watching these proceedings with interest. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brows and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.

The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''


The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the duckman says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.''

So the duckman calls and asks for some condoms. The room service woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''Can't do that,'' the duckman says, ''I would suffocate!''

Great site!

Read in the news:
English-speaking French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner was quoted saying:
"Israel could eat Iran if it wanted to!"

What he meant to say:
"Israel could hit Iran if it wanted to!"

(the h is silent in French)

You are funny girl!

A: "How many programmers does it take to screw in one light bulb?"
Q: "Two programmers and it better be very large light bulb!"