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Here is my contribution ...

Two Scotts talking to each other:

"This morning I threw my toothbrush away because one bristle fell out!"

"Why would you do such a thing?"

"It was the last bristle!"

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Last Post by crunchie
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    I was speeding down the highway when I suddenly see a police car behind me, so I speed up. After a while, unable to get rid of him I pull over. When he's beside the car he says: "Well, I've stopped a hell of a lot of speeding drivers today … Read More

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In a worldwide survey UN asked a question:

:?: "Would you please give your Honest opinion about solution to the Food Shortage in the rest of the world?":!:

:sad: Drastically the survey failed because :

:idea: Africans don't know the meaning of 'Food'.
:idea: Indians don't know the meaning of 'Honest'.(Except meeeeeeee....:cheesy: )
:idea: Europeans don't know the meaning of 'Shortage'.
:idea: Chinese don't know the importance of 'opinion'.
:idea: People of central-east(?) countries don't know what is 'Solution'.
:idea: South American people don't know what is 'Please'.
& lastly....
:idea: Americans don't know what is 'Rest of the world'.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

:cheesy: :cheesy: I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.All the names & statements used in this joke are just fictitious.So, don't take it seriously,& let's make this thread a place to laugh:cry: :cry:

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Here is some of my favourite jokes... tee he he

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama.

Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.

Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.

Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her.

Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful of pardons.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains.

Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.

Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out.

Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck.

Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup.

Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/

If you have broadband the prank call section, with Jack Nicholson, is a MUST!

Edited by Dani: Formatting fixed and fake sig snipped

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Just Following Directions...

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping

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TWO SCOTTISH NUNS
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by
boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the
people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall
live in America, we might as well do as the
Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points
to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the
cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is
very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin
to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She
begins to blush and then, staring at it for a
moment, leans to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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well i dont know if it is a clean joke but this joke is a curse joke it goes like this: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Once an Indian, a Briton and an American are ordered to face a firing squad. The Indian goes first. While the squad is taking aim, he yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!". The entire firing squad runs for cover and the Indian runs away.

The Briton goes next, and while the squad is aiming, he yells "HURRICANE!!!!". The entire firing squad again runs for cover and the Briton nimbly escapes.

The American, having seen this, says to himself "I see what's going on here. I just yell out a natural disaster and while the squad's disoriented, make a dash for freedom."

The American is now put in front of the firing squad. As soon as the squad takes aim, he yells "FIRE!!!!!"

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A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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What is the difference between truck full of babies and truck full of sand?


You cann't unload truck full of sand with a hay-fork.

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The blond walks down the street and notices a flyer with an apartmant rent ad sticked on a streetlight post and she starts knocking on the ad. The cop approaches her and asks:

- What are you doing?

- I'm knocking on this apartment, but I think that nobody's home.
Answers blonde.

The cop looks up and says:

- There must somebody home. The lights are on.

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A boy and a girl went to school together for years. Every day, they each brought a chicken sandwich to lunch. One day, the girl brought a different sandwich. The boy asked, "What's wrong? don't you like chicken anymore?"
"I can't eat it anymore because I'm growing feathers on my private area!" She said. "Show me!" said the boy, and was amazed when she did.
After a few months, the boy quit bringing chicken, too. He told her, "I got feathers growing there, too!"
"Let me see!" she asked. When he showed her, she said,"Oh no! It's too late for you! You already have the neck and gizzards, too!"

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here is one more from me....
:mrgreen: An Office Humour!:!: :)
For thirty years, Johnson arrived at work at 9A.M. sharp.He had never missed a day and was never late.
When one day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival,it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. :?:
Finally at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn,his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfullyto the time clock,punched in, and said,aware that all eyes were upon him,"I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
:eek:
And the boss said,"To roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
:lol: :lol:

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Whats blue, yellow and floats along the bottom of the pool?

A baby with slashed floaties.


Whats red, yellow and floats on top of the pool?

A slashed baby with floaties.

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An Irishman goes to the blacksmith in search of a job. The blacksmith asks "Have you ever shoed a horse?" "No", replies Paddy, "But I've told a pig to go away."

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Snail walks into the Ferrari dealer. He asks to test drive a new car, agrees to buy, but requests a large 'S' is painted on the front top and back of the car.

The sales guy asks whether this stands for 'S'nail and the snail replies "no, but when I zoom past people I want them to say wow look at that s
car go."

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God was looking down on earth one day and decided that things were not going to get better, in fact they were getting worse every day. He said to himself thet it is time to start over again with a new batch who might be able to do better than this bunch of humans are doing.

So he called up three men, George Bush, Bill Gates and Vladimir Putin. They are the three best media for getting his message across. He told the that he was disapointed with mankind as it is and that he was going to destroy the earth in 30 days.

They had to go back to earth and tell everyone this message.

Bush called a press conference and said I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that our belief in God is true, I met with him this morning. And the bad news is that he will destroy the earth in 30 days.

Putin went back to his people and told them he had some bad news and some realy bad news. First the bad news, our denial of God is not true, there is a God and I met with him this morning. The really bad news is that he is going to destroy the earth and we only have 30 days to repent.

Bill Gates went back to his people and told them that he had some good news and some great news. First the good news is that our belief in God is founded, I had a talk with him this morning and the really great news is that we will be able to stop releasing security patches for WindowsXP in less than a month!

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Guy walks in a bar holding a big turd in both hands, showing it around and saying: "Look at what I almost steeped on!"

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Silly Computer Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
CD-ROM: Consumer Device -Rendered Obsolete in Months
WWW: World Wide Wait
RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

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Guy walks in a bar holding a big turd in both hands, showing it around and saying: "Look at what I almost steeped on!"

hahhahahhahahahhahahaha

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I had to think very carefully about a joke i would put on here, thanks to the C word in the title...

A man is driving down a road, and suddenly a rabbit jumps out in front of him. He swerves, but still squishes the little bunny. He stops the car, gets out, and starts mourning over this little lump of dead fluff. A woman then drives by, and sees the man. She stops the car also, and asks him what he is doing.
"I tried to swerve, but I couldnt miss it..." replied the man. THe woman rummages in her handbag and pulls out a can of spray. SHe sprays it all over the corpse, and suddenly the rabbit springs back into life. It hops down the road, waving at them all the time, and then hops out of sight. THe man says "Wow! What is that stuff? Show me! I want some!". SO the woman shows him the canister : "Hair spray. Gives new life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave".


What is the best way to catch a fish? Have someone throw it to you!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because of they flew over bays - they'd be bagels!!! (read that one out)


A man walks into a bar with a fish under his arm. "Do you sell fish cakes?" he asks. "Sorry mate, this is a bar. We dont sell them here". "Aawww - but it's his birthday"


Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

A vampire bat flys back to his cave one night, covered in blood. THe other bats keep pestering him all night, not giving him any sleep, untill he eventually says "Right. If I show you where I got the blood, will you leave me alone?" "Yer!!!" reply the bats in unison. SO the bats all set out, following this blood covered bat. An hour later, one asks "Are we there yet?" The bat covered in blood replies "yes" and stops in front of a tree. He says "You see that tree?"
"Yes"
"Well i didnt."


I wont make you suffer some more bad jokes....

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the ! final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take
your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. after a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the
sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to
death with the chair."

MORAL
Women are evil
Don't mess with them !!!

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